The Child Catcher

(other pic is little reef shark scaring the shoal of fish)

Remember him? From Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? If you remember nothing else of this film you should remember Neuschwanstein, the castle where some of the scenes were shot (and where one day I shall live) and the child catcher. A singularly terrifying individual, who sniffs out children to lock up. I’m not alone in finding him terrifying. Everyone I know did, or still does. I’ve never seen IT or Nightmare on Elm Street, so for me, this ballet dancer was the epitome of scary.

Why am I banging on about the child catcher you may ask? Well, being here alone, I have no one to take pictures of me in pretty locations. So, because I would like to look back at my photos and KNOW I was here, I’ve taken some myself. It also means my family can see I did ‘cope’ and didn’t sit on my balcony feeling sorry for myself. I took one of myself last night and was so disgusted with it, it went straight into the little bin in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. In my attempts to have different angles, I caught myself at a particularly nice angle and looked exactly like the child catcher.

I have my father’s nose. Not literally as this would be most inconvenient for him and I’d get thoroughly sick of dealing with the nasal hair. But I have his family nose and not my mother’s family nose. So does my brother. While I was growing up, I hated it. Now I rarely think about it. I have the sort of face that looks fine now, but that needed growing into, not size wise but the maturity of my more ‘elegant’ than cute and squashy features. I have most definitely improved with age.

So having dwelled upon my similarity to the child catcher, I then dream I AM the child catcher in some bizarre play and for which I must source my own costume from a mall. I could get NO-ONE to understand what the costume was like and kept being shown outfits in manner of Cheryl Cole in the Fight For This Love video.

In the cold light of day and safe from my odd dreams, I spent some of this afternoon in the hotel lobby. They provide free WiFi – it’s $23 a day in my room. I may as well crack open the mini bar, take a robe and be done! So I make a daily trip to the lobby with my laptop. Today there was an offensive and precocious Chinese girl there with her mother, arguing the toss over the bungalow they were in. She wanted an upgrade. This is the child and not the mother I must add.
Children under 12 are not allowed in a water bungalow for safety reasons. The precocious brat was not accepting this and argued with the girl at the desk whilst her simpering and ineffectual mother looked on, unable to contribute due to language barriers. 
My problem with her is the way she allowed her daughter to speak to the girl at the desk. Certainly one for the child catcher to round up.

There aren’t too many children here which is a good thing. The Maldives is NOT a family destination. I like children, OBVIOUSLY. My life revolves around them at work. I don’t like brats. I like brats even less on my relaxing holiday.

A few years ago I had the misfortune to holiday in Cornwall with a family. It was a camping trip. This had nothing whatsoever to do with the child who was an absolute delight and a total credit to his mother. I will not credit his father as he and my ex-husband (peas in a pod) spent the whole week being thoroughly selfish and never allowing the 7 year old child the kind of fun he should have been having. The week revolved around them and their smoking of cannabis. The child was an angel and had the patience of a saint.

Recently I met up with his mother. She and I are now both blessedly free of the selfish men and congratulated each other on this. Perhaps there should be a useless waste of space ex partner catcher as well? 

Holiday me, At home me

After my healthy lunch of Toblerone and paprika chips from the overpriced tat shop, I went back to the beach to work on looking less like a beluga whale. There are some flaws to applying your own suncream to your back. I’m going to start looking ‘special’ soon. Anyway, after lengthy but futile application of suncream and armed with; water, beach towel, ipod, two books, keys, spare phone, hairbrush, suncream, hat and snorkel gear, I headed down the steps of my room to the beach. Once there I discovered I had no sunglasses and had to go back. I did this dressed only in my bikini. 

It occurred to me as I was coming down the stairs thusly, on what is a main thoroughfare through the island, how I wouldn’t be caught dead like this at home. Essentially what I’m wearing is a non-padded, non underwired bra and some brightly coloured lycra knickers that scream –look at my arse! I’ve looked better. I also have with me a straw cowboy style hat that I know I shall never wear again when I’m home. Here it’s great.

At home my breakfast consists of a daily mug of chocolate Nesquik. Here, I have a buffet breakfast of tea AND orange juice. I also have at least two courses. There is the ‘savoury’ part of hash browns, grilled tomato, toast, beans and eggs and then the breakfast ‘dessert’ of croissants, nutella, mini doughnuts, pastries and fruit. Some people shove it all on one plate. To me that is barbaric. My sister says the secret to half board is to stuff yourself at breakfast until you feel sick, and then lay in the sun until the sick feeling wears off. I have followed this plan to a certain extent but am now stealing an apple at breakfast and having a 5pm drink with bar snacks before dinner. Today’s lunch of toblerone and crisps was fit for a king.

Tonight is the first night I have been in anyway ‘holiday experimental’ with my clothes. I’m wearing a dress I bought from the Next online sale. Never worn it. It’s a difficult length and is sheer and multi coloured. We’ll see if I like it or not. On my last holiday here I dressed like an absolute moron. Why on holiday you should abandon all the rules you usually follow at home is anybody’s guess but I did it too.

At home I’d kick up a stink if I was served tea without milk. Here I think I look ‘European’ and sophisticated so I drink it black.

Today I resisted the tat in the shop. Last holiday we came home with half a suitcase full of it. I have bought myself one single carved fish to go with the two from the last trip. This way, I’ll HAVE to keep coming back to build a collection.

It’s my sister’s birthday today. I looked in the shop with her in mind. Bloody hell. Unless she wants some stupidly ornate shell vase or a ludicrously priced bejeweled calculator, she’s out of luck. I’ll get her something when I get home. 

Something I am universally agreed on is poor behaviour from children in restaurants. Never ok. Never acceptable. 

People Watching

I had a mail today from someone. It mentioned amongst other things, people watching in the Summer. I get important emails..

Today I have been watching and have obviously been watched too. The female flight attendant who is in a group with flashing pilot came over to me this pm whilst I’m lying on the sunbed like Silas Greenback and she is like Kylie Minogue and said she was making coffee, would I like some? She’d noticed I was on my own like she was. So I did. She had assumed I was also cabin crew as who in their right mind would come to Honeymoon capital the Maldives on their own…especially when their own honeymoon had been here. Yes I am mental but this place is sooo beautiful and who knows when I’ll get to return otherwise.

A male friend of mine has unpleasantly suggested that she was coming on to me. I think not. But he says that IF it does happen, he’d like it recorded. Men.

In the hut block next to ours (me and the flight attendant)  there is a couple who are so physically mismatched it is untrue. She is tall, young, athletic and beautiful and dresses with chic ease and class. He is short, fat, very baldy with greasy hair, has been sporting a pink shirt and unforgiveable brown shoes today. He is not a pretty man. I will assume he is loaded. Though if he is, he should have rented out a sunset villa and not a beach cottage. Cheapskate.

Then there was the Australian couple at shark feeding. They were sitting with a large German woman who I’m drawing massive conclusions about, but I suspect to be the General Manager type woman who responds to the TripAdvisor comments about the resort. She was telling them about the resident heron, the fish….including the Titan Triggerfish which I’ll go on to. It was the woman who I found particularly intriguing. She’s an Aussie. They know a thing or two about sun safety, right? Slip Slap Slop and all that? Well she was lobster pink sitting looking out to sea this evening. Silly woman.

The German couple are funny. She looks about 15 and him late 20’s/early 30’s. Dunno where he was this morning whilst she was on the beach but she was frigging useless on her own. Not like me with my books, ipod, snorkel mask and colouring book.

There are some loud Arabs here too. They sat in a massive group at the bar and it’s incredible to me that someone didn’t throw their approx. 9 yr old child into the sea this evening, especially when in front of the parents, he tried to snatch a reed from a small Chinese boy’s hand when he was pretending to fish. He then shouted ‘here’ a lot at the guy throwing tuna offcuts to the sharks. I bet I wasn’t the only person to think he should be diced in the bucket if he carried on with his loud obnoxious behaviour. His family seemed oblivious.

This morning I've been flashed!

It's not what I expect or want from a holiday here and quite frankly he's playing a dicey game in a Muslim country. But then I suspect he is a pilot and therefore doubtless a bit arrogant. Perhaps taking his trunks off in the sea and standing up and seeing if female beachgoers are paying attention works. I paid none.

Been snorkeling under the water huts and seen some cool fish. Happier now!

Napoli Pizza

Today I discovered some more exciting fish. After braving it a bit further from the shore, I saw a couple of bigger fish ahead. Decided too get closer and then saw that they were titan triggerfish.  On my last trip to the Maldives (hahah that makes me sound like I come here all the time) a guy at the resort I was on had to be medevaced out because he’d tried to feed one of these notoriously territorial fish and had his nose bitten off. Needless to say I sodded off pretty quick. They have some evil teeth. Oh and I rescued a bee from the see who’d flown in and was drowning. The bees here look terrifying. Massive black shiny things.

So it turns out the make-do reef the fish are shacking up in is under the water huts. Saw loads there today and can stop sulking at the lack of fish now. Tomorrow I’m going to swim the length of the huts and see what’s there.  There was a HUGE puffer/box fish today. About 60cm-70cm I reckon.

This evening I thought I’d leave the buffet restaurant and take advantage of my other half board option here. Sand Coast. Setting is lovely – on the beach lit by candles and tables under the palm trees and the equator stars. (If like me you take an interest in the sky, the stars here are so fantastic- there’s no light pollution to speak of and so different to the skies at home). They showed me the menu and said that apart from the lobster I could anything on half board.  I did my usual and explained I was veggie. And lo and behold they had an entirely veggie menu. So I’m sitting on the beach feeling truly blessed and happy having ordered myself a pizza with olives and caramelized onions. Life should be like this I decided, having just come away from sunset drinks watching shark feeding again and listening to some Arabic inspired music. I’m going to make SURE my life is like this.

Then my pizza came. It had an odd smell about it- one I didn’t instantly recognize as ‘food’ and found a bit off-putting. On closer inspection with the candle it’s covered in fish bones and anchovies! Life doesn’t want to be covered in anchovies thanks!

I did what anyone would do- sulked for a minute then called the waiter who proceeds to laugh at me and tell me I ordered Napoli with anchovies. I ask to see the veggie menu again and point out the lack of anchovies mentioned. They serve 2 Napoli- one veggie, one with anchovies. Apparently it was not enough to request a veggie menu, order from it and expect them to know I wanted the veggie version. Grrr.

Didn’t finish the pizza – was sort of put off. Maybe I’ll go back in a couple of days and try again.

Someone I know today said they wouldn’t want to be here – that all that luxury isn’t for them. At first I accepted this. Hours later I decided that’s bullshit. No one in their right mind doesn’t want this.

Being Mortified...

I’m mortified. Actually mortified. I’ve just come in from buffet breakfast- (where I MUST try and get it into my head I do not need to eat everything in the first 2 days and that I can spread my breakfast enjoyment over the 7 remaining days. There is a happy medium between not having any lunch provided under half board, and as my sister suggested, eating til I feel sick and laying on the beach til the sick feeling wears off) and the cleaner was here changing the towels etc. I knew this as I’d seen the mop outside. This is fine – I thought I’d sit on the balcony til he was done. Then noticed that on the bedside table, he’d had to put last night’s abandoned underwear, scrunched into a ball that I’d left in the sheets when it was hot in the night. MORTIFIED! He then walked in and said he was now finished. I’ll be tipping this guy for sure.

Now to my other insane OCD thing. I’m getting ready to hit the beach again, and was glad at breakfast to see my German neighbours just coming in for their meal. This means I can get the sun longers with partial shade and not give myself a hernia trying to beat them out there.

I would LOVE not to be mental. 

I've seen some reef sharks in the shallow water today right by me. It was good but there was no one to tell. They were circling a little shoal of fish. One of these here pics is the shoal which is still hanging about. 

In other news, I'm reading Caitlin Moran's How to be a Woman. It's a different read for me but I'm liking it. 

God alone knows what I've done with my copy of To Kill A Mockingbird which I should be reading for Book Club. However, Caitlin is making me laugh, not sure Harper Lee would....

Later...

 Later on on the 26^th…

I’ve seen a titan trigger fish. This makes me happy. I’m more hopeful I’ll see some exciting fish. Gonna wash the salt off then do a wander round the island…should take me all of 15 minutes, and see where’s good for snorkeling.  There are some clown fish and angel fish under the water huts but it’s not quite like the drop off in Finding Nemo like it was at Lily Beach.  However this place is a bit shinier than Lily Beach was. Next Maldives trip- all new shinier Lily Beach then! Best start saving now…

In a massively shallow way, I’m also loving the fact I already have a holiday glow about me and the merest smudge of eyeliner makes me look ok. In fact if it’s slightly smudgy,  all the better.  AND I’ve not packed like a remtard in my usual fashion.  I have stuff to wear. Sensible, appropriate stuff.

Seen some lizards and my first fruit bat as well today and picked some fallen frangipani flowers off the ground.  In the evening the beach gets covered with teeny crabs, some hermit ones too. Oooh shark feeding in a bit!!

 A bit later still…

I’m at the bar. I’ll post some pictures so you can see just how much I’m slumming it. I’ve ordered a coke to gulp and a mojito to enjoy. The mojito isn’t quite Bab al Shams quality but it ain’t bad. It’ll be shark feeding in a bit – looks like some of the bigger fish have already come in so I’m gonna go look!

It would be nice to be here with someone else but on the other hand I can do what the frig I like. Debating whether it’s too sad to order a shisha for one….

Big fish super cool. Decided not to do the shisha tonight, Went for 2 mojito instead, What’s the plural of mojito? Mojito? Mojitas?