Wisdom

I was going to write a post about what we affectionately call Jay Z Syndrome in our family. By this, I mean, when a man has landed a woman who is so ridiculously out of his league looks wise, you can only imagine that he pinches himself each morning as he wakes up to his enormously attractive partner.
Then I decided it was mean and thought better of it.

Instead, I am simply calling this post 'Wisdom' and shall impart for you some of the wisdom I have gained over my 30+ years. Some of it you may be familiar with if you read anything I have written before. But I hope that there is some wisdom here for all!

• If you intend to wear a very close fitting dress for an entire day, exercise restraint when it comes to the canapes, 3 course meals, truffles and evening buffet. 
• Do not use a jar of honey to deter wasps from your drink in the garden- you will only succeed in attracting the entire wasp population of your town.
• Do not take a cream cardigan to put on after you have been for creosote spray tan - you will stain it - it is probably best to make your way swiftly home and not go to the cinema with your scary tan which will have developed nicely in the 2 hours you were in the dark.
• Don't do your family a favour and walk their dog in an area where the dog cannot resist rolling in every cowpat he can see, (the greener and slimier the better) when he is not happy to jump in the river and you must push him in, therefore killing his trust in you. 
• When packing a case for two, remember you will also need some choices of clothing. Do not just consider their wardrobe.
• If you plan to bake a large number of cakes somewhere other than your home for an event later in the day, remember cake cases as well as the ingredients. This avoids panic trips to small and badly stocked local shops.
• If you know it is a BAD idea to go to a certain bar/club when you are sober, and NOTHING good can come of going there, try VERY, VERY hard to keep this in mind after a few beverages.
• Seeing the film Schindler's List is traumatic enough. Try to see it without young German students who are fairly naive about the whole Holocaust. It may lead to several days silence from said nice young German students. 
• It is not necessary to tell people you barely know that you are in hospital with suspected dysentry. Just because they know you via work does not mean you need to justify your presence in A and E.
• When entering into a new sport...TAKE IT EASY. This avoids amongst other things, dodgy knees, shin splints, sciatica and a broken finger. 
• I cannot take the credit for this culinary knowledge, but I pass it onto you freely.. Korma is best with chicken, vegetables etc. Sausage Korma is very nasty. Likewise, Crispy pancakes are an acquired taste, They are best when cooked for slightly less than 8 hours. 
• Puppies and Bonsai trees are not a good combination. Neither is a bored puppy with a box of Christmas decorations, a puppy with lino, puppy with wallpaper, puppy with GHD's etc etc. In fact, puppies should be supervised at ALL times.
• Always check your passport before you hand it over to anyone at the airport. You never know when your mother may have stuck a picture of Lionel Ritchie over your face.
• Never fill your best friend's Roland Rat snow boots with snow. They will NEVER forgive you and will be telling the story more than 20 years later. (Your mother will also be cross with you and make you give your snow boots to your friend.) 

Again, I cannot take credit for the following entries, but they are all yours.

• When going out with someone new, if they introduce you as Justin Flowers and your name is neither Justin nor Flowers, say something. Do not let it go on for the evening or in fact for several more dates.
• NEVER kiss someone who has eaten a kebab with lashings of chilli sauce. You will look like Fred Flintstone the next day.
• Tiger Balm is not good for the under eye area but it will excuse you from dull lessons/school based activity.
• Stabbing the ground with a penknife is pointless and you will end up cutting yourself. It is adviseable then, not to go canoeing in mucky water. A scary red line will appear on your arm.

I may add to this list as and when, but for now, I think it is a useful guide to life.
It is my gift to you.
In return, can I please have Tom Hardy? He is lovely - if a little odd on the Jonathon Ross Show.