Television

 Until the school holidays, I could count the number of times I have had the television on in the last few months on one hand. I pretty much gave it up when my new life partner, the internet took over my life and because TV is shite.

It's not new or exciting to say there is nothing on television, but there really is NOTHING on television.

When I do have it on, I am stunned at the number of vacuous shows about dancing, singing and general scraping of the barrel for 'talent'.

This Summer I have watched my beloved Project Runway- (fashion does not count as scraping the barrel I might add), and various other drivel as the weather has been so appallingly bad, I haven't spent the Summer in a sun chair reading as I wished to.

Today I was horrified at The Wright Stuff. Firstly I was surprised to be agreeing 100% with Matthew Wright, and secondly for the amoeba that were ringing in with their 'opinions'. Dear God, spare us from your delusional crap about how Raoul Moat was somehow a spokesperson for the working class and 'felt trapped' by his circumstances. As Nitin Ganatra pointed out, we don't all start killing each other when life gets tough. It was also pointed out that Moat had been proved not to be a psychopath.It's a little like the Jeremy Kyle show. People with very little to recommend themselves, see an opportunity for a public voice and ring in or appear on the TV show, unaware that people who have more to recommend themselves, are horrified at what they see and hear.

This weekend the travesty that is the X Factor begins again, something I clearly share opinion again with Matthew Wright about. Barely does one ridiculous money making circus from the Cowell Empire finish, than another begins. I see Dannii Minogue received an award in February for 'Best TV Star' off the back of X Factor. I have nothing against her personally but she was in some bad soaps, made some bad records. Then made one or two average records, and thus became one of the all-knowing judges/mentors on X Factor, and is now BEST TV STAR. Please. It is the same with Amanda Holden who is at best a very average actress, passing judgement on the 'talents' of others.

From this weekend and for the foreseeable future, it's all going to be X Factor. Hooray. As soon as it finishes, Britain's Got Talent will be back on our screens as Cowell bathes in a pool of  money and self loving. My class love it all and I get regular updates in the latter stages of competition about who is in and who has gone. I rarely know who they are talking about.

I think my dog has better taste than some of the general public. He is at least discerning about his viewing habits. Usually, on the rare occasions I do have the TV on, he leaves the room or goes to sleep, knowing that I am watching something banal. Last weekend, he obviously decided I had become more high brow as he rushed in from the garden to see what wonders I was watching. Usually I can guarantee he will like it if it features; dogs, meerkats, rabbits or lions, though he very much enjoyed this years Boat Race. But this time, 101 Dalmatians was on and as I flicked through the plethora of crap on the many channels, he heard barking. It was the part in the film where the dogs send out a distress call. It has no dialogue, but for the barking of dogs for several minutes, and lots of shots of dogs barking and running about. I left it on for him and did some washing up.

OCD

As a teacher I have been off work for a few weeks now and still have nearly two more to go. This gives me a lot of time. None of it I have used wisely. I blame the weather for my lack of doing any gardening except mowing the grass and my other task was to write a book, maybe think about two. A fiction book and a non fiction book. The fiction has turned out really average. I began writing it years ago and it stemmed form the being dumped by the very gorgeous man I'd be seeing for a while, just before Christmas.
It wasn't a good Christmas and I got through it with Meet The Parents, laughing.
Anyway, one evening drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Pinot, I decided my disastrous love life would make a good book, if you watered it down and exaggerated/toned down some of the characters. It was going well for a while and I'd written a few chapters which people said were good.
Then I lost it all.
That was a good 7 years ago I think. This Summer I planned to pick it up again from what I'd remembered and change the end - as the princess never did end up with the carriage mender - (see blog description). Now I think it would be sort of nice if she ended up being happy as she was but I can't write it for toffee.
My other book is one I have discussed with a colleague - but the new coalition government may decide to rain on our parade with the changes it plans for the curriculum.
So, this Summer I have done........ not a lot. I am now in a nice routine of staying up late, waking up at about nine, wasting most of the day and then repeating it all the next day. I also have a several times a week wake up in the early hours from my cat, asking to be let out. I have rigged the cat flap so he can come in but not out because I never see him, need to know he's ok and sometimes administer treatment to prevent fleas etc. I say rigged. It is sellotape. The carriage mender didn't put the catflap in properly so it has never offered the choice of in but not out without the aid of sellotape. I bought him a collar which said DO NOT FEED. I haven't put him on him yet. I obsess about whether I should and the safety of collars.
My mother said this week she thinks my OCD has got worse. Maybe this is purely down to time spent living alone, or maybe it's because I've had too much time on my hands. I certainly think during term time I am more focused. I seem to work better, the more I have to do and am much better at managing my time. All this time off has made me lazy.
But I do obsess.
I obsess about whether my front door is locked. I'll check it as I leave, walk down my path or out to my car through the garage, then go back and check again. Sometimes twice. I do the same with my GHD's. I should add, the door IS always shut and the GHD's are always off, unplugged and the socket switched off. Yes I am mental. I am better with my ears now - I won't go into this one again.
Other than this, I can't see that I have really bad OCD. Perhaps I am becoming a little bit DYSON-happy this last couple of weeks but that's no bad thing.....My mother also felt I was obsessing about my blisters. She contented herself and me though by saying she felt very sure that when they did clear up, I'd have found something else to worry and obsess about. She is right.
Who knows what the new head, year, class etc will bring but maybe it'll be a curb on my increasing OCD!

Being a hypochondriac

 There is a small chance that I may be a hypochondriac. It is rare for me to visit the doctor and I wish to stress this quite strenuously to you. But, on the times I have been, there has sometimes been absolutely nothing wrong with me and I am in fact making a giant fuss over nothing. This week I am suffering most terribly from two blisters on my lower arm, caused by insect bites. Normally I get a bit of an itch, stick on some cream and it's all fine. This time, I have developed blisters. And they won't go. It's been 5 days now and they show no signs of improvement and are in fact spreading. This troubles me.
It does not however trouble my mum (a nurse), the rest of my family, or the phamacist I showed it to yesterday who was completely underwhelmed. He took a look, asked if I had scratched it, asked if it had been infected. I said no to both. He has given me.....Savlon.
At my sister's home yesterday, they all laughed at me again because I had administered some Savlon and covered both blisters with a giant dressing. It does look a little like I might have made a rather feeble attempt on my own life now, but never mind. My sister suggested that next time they all see me, I will have my arm in a sling. This then escalated and apparently I will be dragging a drip behind me. You may remeber that when I got a SAD lamp - they commented - of course you have, it's so you! Why wouldn't you have one?
They do not take my dilemma seriously at all. I told them that they would all be sorry when I became like The Fly or Wickes van de Merwe and started growing alien/insect limbs instead of my own. Fly impersonations and suggestions that I would start vomitting black goop ensued. My younger sister finished my slice of cake off, so I told her I had vomitted on that - as flies do. It was a high-brow conversation.
It was suggested that my new appearence with fly limbs, may frighten my new class, and that I should perhaps consider a new career. As I will have fly eyes and be able to view all directions at once, I could work in CCTV, or for London Underground?

Bravado

 Bravado is defined thus; pretended courage or defiant confidence when one is really afraid

Somebody made me very mad today, hit my dog, swore repeatedly at me and raised his fist at me. All the time I stood my ground, not swearing or backing down. Nobody hits my dog. 

Afterwards, when the woman, who I can only assume was his carer, dragged him away, did the upset kick in. Until then I was running on bravado and adrenalin- (note to Universe- this sort of adrenalin rush was NOT what I had in mind). 

My dog is fine fortunately- an expensive 5 minute visit to the vets has confirmed this. I, on the other hand am fuming but relieved that I have not got a broken nose/jaw etc. 

I've never been in a fight. Not even close - but I will always stand my ground and fake the confidence until the other party is out of sight - and then I will lose it. ha ha- what bravery.

A few years ago some stupid drunken girl stood all over my foot in a club and I was displeased. I told her she had stood on my foot and that 'sorry' was the usual response. She was so horridly drunk that her reaction was to call me all manner of names, tell me she had a degree???? and then lunge at me with her talons. Hmmm- not quite what I had hoped for. Some bouncers were there, and for once, actually stepped in and dealt with the correct party. She was removed, I kept my cool. 

It amused me some weeks later when she turned up at my regular kickboxing class and was a beginner. I had been there some years and was wearing a belt of such a colour that clearly demonstrated I could kick her arse. 

She never showed up again.

I think I probably won't go and take my rage out on the punchbag- my book, 59 Seconds, says this has the opposite effect, and maybe my broken finger is proof of this. Instead I may make muffins and watch Project Runway.http://www.bravotv.com/project-runway

I love it. Genius television. 

Rant over. But seriously, don't EVER hurt my dog. You will have to sleep with one eye open.

Taking Risks

Though I have little sense of embarrassment and will happily be seen wearing fairy wings to work, or cartwheel and dance in public, I am pretty rubbish at taking risks. The closest I got to it yesterday was braving my weekly run shortly after having my Fake Bake treatment. I was quite scarily brown. My brother in law did well to contain his laughter, but my sister didn't even try and has taken some very lovely pictures of my tan. Think Ross in that epidode of Friends where he gets a tan...or in fact the one where his teeth are flourescent. That was me yesterday.
From yesterday I have learnt two things;
1 Do not show anyone the tan on day 1.
2 Do not go running- you will cause patches. :(
My sister thought it was hilarious when I sent her out last night to buy me more fake tan to rectify the patches. As if I was not brown enough. Even the dog was not quite sure who I was. My mother says I am well on my way to Katie Price. Excellent. Definitely the impression I want to give my new boss. 
But it was on my way to get the tan that I thought about how rubbish I am at taking risks. Everything scares me- heights, fast cars, wild water, - anything that's a bit dangerous. I thought about it because I timed my arrival at the traffic lights just wrong. I was first in the line as the traffic came through from the other side at some speed. As cars and then an enormous HGV came towards me head on (at speed) it was mildly scary but also made me think that I never do anything that gets my andrenalin pumping. I have mentioned before how useless I am at Alton Towers etc.
Anyway so now I'm thinking I ought to try something a little scary and really put some fun into my life. I continue to make changes but I'm not doing so well on the whole fun side.
I told my sister at 'Running Club' (my brother in law insists on calling it this which sort of implies fun- I assure you there is none) that I wanted to try something a little scary activity wise.
"What like base-jumping?"
"Yeah!" I said - having a vague idea about what it is (turns out base jumping is ridiculously terrifying and involves throwing yourself off tall buildings and other very tall things with a parachute- and it is often illegal)
But maybe I do need to try it. Or a parachute jump, or Rally driving or something. So I'm going to have a look at that. I have been putting too much pressure on myself to do too many things and move on in my life whilst forgetting to have enough fun. It can't all be career and doing things for others. I have few ties - I ought to take advantage of that and stop buying cupcake and muffin recipe books. Extreme baking is not the way forward.

Simple Pleasures

Today I went and spent the day at the British seaside. The day involved paddling in the sea, watching my dog swim, watching my dog swim with my newly retired boss, fish and chips (in my case just the chips) - my dog ate a battered sausage and everybody's leftover fish skin, strawberries and ice cream, a walk and afternoon tea.
You understand of course my dog did not take afternoon tea? Or eat strawberries and ice cream...?
We spent the day at my new retired boss's caravan ( I am going to abbreviate to MNRB). There were none of the things I dislike about the coast- high winds, crowds, and worst of all- arcades.
I am a horrid snob about arcades. To me they are everything that is bad about the seaside. Noise, lights, a terrible waste of money and they prevent people from actually enjoying the outdoors. I actually think it is quite tragic when I see families spending their time in arcades shooting at pictures on a screen and chucking money away, instead of building sandcastles on the beach. My father used to take such pride in the sandcastles, they would always have a working moat, be enormous in size and would inevitably draw a crowd. We NEVER visited arcades.
I used to work in a seaside town before I came to where I work now and was continually asked why I did not move there and instead, drove 45 minutes to work every day. Unless hell had frozen over, there was no way. For our regular staff meals out, the 'Entertainments Committee' would organise a dinner at the local 'All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet'. I do not think I need go any further with my description of this establishment. Needless to say, I was often unavailable for these occasions. Did I mention I was a horrid snob?
Today involved no flashing lights, rob-you-blind arcade games or all you can eat buffets. We did eat fish and chips and they were rather good. MNRB went swimming in the sea with my dog which kept him amused but he was a little disappointed I would not join them. (NOTHING would tempt me into the sea in the UK.)
Even the caravan was nice and reminded me of my holidays when I was growing up, in my grandparent's caravan near Lowestoft.
Yes I am a horrid snob when it comes to arcades and all you can eat 'restaurants' but I do enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. A pleasant walk, seeing those I care about happy, and drinking tea and eating cakes with lovely people.
This post would have read nothing like this however, if we had had grey weather, high winds and rain!

Wisdom

I was going to write a post about what we affectionately call Jay Z Syndrome in our family. By this, I mean, when a man has landed a woman who is so ridiculously out of his league looks wise, you can only imagine that he pinches himself each morning as he wakes up to his enormously attractive partner.
Then I decided it was mean and thought better of it.

Instead, I am simply calling this post 'Wisdom' and shall impart for you some of the wisdom I have gained over my 30+ years. Some of it you may be familiar with if you read anything I have written before. But I hope that there is some wisdom here for all!

• If you intend to wear a very close fitting dress for an entire day, exercise restraint when it comes to the canapes, 3 course meals, truffles and evening buffet. 
• Do not use a jar of honey to deter wasps from your drink in the garden- you will only succeed in attracting the entire wasp population of your town.
• Do not take a cream cardigan to put on after you have been for creosote spray tan - you will stain it - it is probably best to make your way swiftly home and not go to the cinema with your scary tan which will have developed nicely in the 2 hours you were in the dark.
• Don't do your family a favour and walk their dog in an area where the dog cannot resist rolling in every cowpat he can see, (the greener and slimier the better) when he is not happy to jump in the river and you must push him in, therefore killing his trust in you. 
• When packing a case for two, remember you will also need some choices of clothing. Do not just consider their wardrobe.
• If you plan to bake a large number of cakes somewhere other than your home for an event later in the day, remember cake cases as well as the ingredients. This avoids panic trips to small and badly stocked local shops.
• If you know it is a BAD idea to go to a certain bar/club when you are sober, and NOTHING good can come of going there, try VERY, VERY hard to keep this in mind after a few beverages.
• Seeing the film Schindler's List is traumatic enough. Try to see it without young German students who are fairly naive about the whole Holocaust. It may lead to several days silence from said nice young German students. 
• It is not necessary to tell people you barely know that you are in hospital with suspected dysentry. Just because they know you via work does not mean you need to justify your presence in A and E.
• When entering into a new sport...TAKE IT EASY. This avoids amongst other things, dodgy knees, shin splints, sciatica and a broken finger. 
• I cannot take the credit for this culinary knowledge, but I pass it onto you freely.. Korma is best with chicken, vegetables etc. Sausage Korma is very nasty. Likewise, Crispy pancakes are an acquired taste, They are best when cooked for slightly less than 8 hours. 
• Puppies and Bonsai trees are not a good combination. Neither is a bored puppy with a box of Christmas decorations, a puppy with lino, puppy with wallpaper, puppy with GHD's etc etc. In fact, puppies should be supervised at ALL times.
• Always check your passport before you hand it over to anyone at the airport. You never know when your mother may have stuck a picture of Lionel Ritchie over your face.
• Never fill your best friend's Roland Rat snow boots with snow. They will NEVER forgive you and will be telling the story more than 20 years later. (Your mother will also be cross with you and make you give your snow boots to your friend.) 

Again, I cannot take credit for the following entries, but they are all yours.

• When going out with someone new, if they introduce you as Justin Flowers and your name is neither Justin nor Flowers, say something. Do not let it go on for the evening or in fact for several more dates.
• NEVER kiss someone who has eaten a kebab with lashings of chilli sauce. You will look like Fred Flintstone the next day.
• Tiger Balm is not good for the under eye area but it will excuse you from dull lessons/school based activity.
• Stabbing the ground with a penknife is pointless and you will end up cutting yourself. It is adviseable then, not to go canoeing in mucky water. A scary red line will appear on your arm.

I may add to this list as and when, but for now, I think it is a useful guide to life.
It is my gift to you.
In return, can I please have Tom Hardy? He is lovely - if a little odd on the Jonathon Ross Show.