Worse things happen at sea....

I'm doing a nightly meditation under strict instructions from my mother. Once again I have reached 'danger zone' on my worry and stress levels and something has to give. With luck it won't be me.
Every night when I go to bed, I have a 15 minute guided meditation with soothing music and some nice person saying nice things to me for a quarter of an hour. It's worth a shot. It's certainly nicer than Apeface next door hollering and banging on the wall.
I've mentioned Apeface before, in my post Leopards never change their spots. He's a prat of the highest order. I now have a battle on with my neighbour who is trying to pretend her dumb-arse boyfriend Apeface is not REALLY living there (her benefits will suffer) and that he isn't REALLY keeping us all awake. Silly little girl- I will win.

A friend of mine said to me today that despite this and other things I am currently worried about, Worse things happen at sea and that there are monsters there too. Apparently worse than the kraken, though I find that hard to believe - Unless of course you mean the woman who until then end of February, I worked for- now she I DO believe is a monster. Incidentally, last man standing at my previous workplace is no longer standing. We did all jump ship as I predicted. Time will tell whether jumping into monster ridden seas was a better option than working for one.

Meanwhile I wait for my CRB check to come through and have never been more painfully aware that a watched pot never boils. I'm as squeaky clean as they come so it's all very frustrating.
Next Tuesday I have to travel to Cambridge to register at another agency. I cannot WAIT to get this all sorted. This leads me nicely to my next thought...

 I have also been thinking a lot about William and the very lovely Kate now the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Some years ago...and we're talking a loooong time now, I thought it would be rather nice if William married me. We share a birthday (though he never sends me a card). This is about all I can think of that we would have in common. Watching Kate and her father walk down the aisle of Wabbey (they call themselves that on Twitter) I thought it was probably for the best that William had not met me at Bath Spa University and seen me in some see through lacy get up. If my father made it up the aisle of Westminster Abbey, that would be a remarkable feat in itself. He is about as unfit a man as you can imagine, having decided to give up on food and concentrate solely on alcohol as fuel. We are also estranged, him having pretty much decided that his children were of little importance to him. My parents have been divorced a long time. I'm pretty sure that would be 'frowned upon' by the Palace too. Yes they have their divorces, but in 'commoners' coming in, NOT so desirable.
I'm also pretty sure they would not like my attitude to their pastimes and sporting interests. I'm in camp 'fox' and not in camp 'twat on a horse'. Like my mother frequently says, the idea of sport should be a genuine competition. Not where one side is HUGELY outnumbered and had no choice about their participation. I think it'd be interesting to send the royals out and chase them down on horseback for fun. See how sporting they thought it was then?

I'd not have been as dignified as Kate either. Her peering over her shoulder at the crowd as she left the balcony and her 'Oh wow' would have been me jumping up and down and making a show of myself. I wore a green dress on my wedding day - I'm guessing that wouldn't have been ok either.

Tomorrow it is the AV vote. I shall be voting the way Mr Cameron does NOT want me to vote. What will be will be. Worse things happen at sea. David Cameron and George Osborne could be running the country.
Oh wait.....

and the next line is.......

 A short one today and probably tedious but I'm less ranty today and feeling upbeat. So you can share in my sunnier mood. FYI the flower is one we sell and it is today's favourite. 
This week at work it's been alright. I earn sod all. There is no earthly way I could continue living in my house and earn what I'm on now for very long.
However, as people keep reminding me, I am healthy and I'm considerably healthier than I was in Autumn and Winter and I'm certainly not blaming the seasons.
Up in the call centre this week I was a little taken aback when I was on a call and had a giant tub of Cadbury's Creme eggs waved under my nose to help myself to. This was followed by tubs of chilled drinks and yesterday, ice lollies.
Today I was approached by my team leader, and in my usual way, I expected I'd cocked up. No, I was being invited to take a break from the phones to come and play a quiz game with some fellow employees. It was a finish the next song line game. We did alright. (I got 11 right and came 2nd to Joe who got 13.) "We" as in the people who work the same contract as me, are playing against "them" the other major contract our firm deals with. Yes I really did just say 'our firm'. I'm starting to feel part of the furniture. All the major players in the office know my name - not sure if that's good or bad but I've not yet been kicked up the arse for anything. I have my group of buddies I sit with every day and it's ok. I'm SO much happier than I was in Mordor. I have my sanity.
There was a point just before Christmas back in Mordor where I really did think I'd lost the plot. I know I haven't now.

I've just got off the phone with my mum. I am panicking about the future and whether this supply work will start when I need it to but we both said that everything really does happen for a reason and maybe at the time you just can't see it. We think I might have had this time to get better from the three years of stress that have been accumulating. I certainly felt more stress free than I did at all since last August coming out of work today. The sun was shining, I had a purse full of vouchers for Tesco with which to eek out a week's shop but I didn't feel like my mind had gone.

There is much to be said for my friend's words of wisdom.
Health is wealth.

Bear with me...

So I wasn't sure what I was going to blog about today and there is little idea of structure in my head so 'bear with me'. I was going to blog about 'Men' and then decided it would be either;

• full of stereotypes
• repetitive 
• insanely boring
• too personal and a little too revealing about my barren love life and latest traumas

So I decided not to. Instead you can read about the joys of my minimum wage job.

I am REALLY tired of hearing above phrase. 'Bear with me'. I am determined NOT to use it as it rings in my ears all day from the office I work in. I am currently fortunate enough to work in a call centre, taking orders and customer service calls. Unless you have worked in a similar scenario, it would be hard for you to imagine the type of moron you have to deal with on a daily basis. A lot of the people I have to talk to are bloody lucky I am bearing with them for less than £6 an hour. I'm not allowed to say - "it's not the end of the fucking world- you were expecting 'pink' and you have 'peachy-pink', YOU ARE NOT IN LIBYA, YOU ARE NOT REBUILDING YOUR LIFE IN JAPAN. You have an item which is not 100% as bloody perfect as you hoped. Well shit. You paid £9.99. You didn't lose an eye."
They record your calls so I have to bite my tongue.

Yesterday a customer rang in barely understandable tones about some goods he had received in 2009 that he wanted to get credit for in order to get new things this year. He had not bothered to ring in in 2009 and I as the phone operator was apparently meant to take his word that the goods from 2009 were a bit shit and give him lots of free stuff.
Even if I believed him, which I don't as his story was very sketchy, I would not be thanked by the powers that be for sending out free goods/vouchers etc on the say-so of slightly confused elderly man re goods received in 2009.

Today a nasty snappy woman rang in wanting me to resend goods whilst her order is still being dispatched. Apparently I am to 'get on to the courier and have a word'. The courier is Royal Mail. My office is based about 300 miles from where the goods are dispatched. When I say 'my office' I mean my bit of desk with a decrepit computer and a headset that is so precious to me now, I get in 15 minutes before my shift will start in order to have THIS chair and THIS computer and headset which I clean daily with germ killing wipes as a man in the office has recently been off with impetigo.
I know that if I get in later, I will have to sit opposite miserable 'J' or next to very loud 'G' or cannot do anything for herself  'D' barely holding onto her job, under a flickering fluorescent tube with a phone with a non-working transfer button. Customers don't like when you cut them off instead of transferring them.

I'm aware I am bemoaning a job and I ought to be grateful I even HAVE a job under the Tory Reich but it is hard when you have studied for 4 years, trained and built a good reputation for yourself, to be doing this. Hard isn't the word. There are days I have total meltdowns and think I should run away and join the circus. I won't. I would have to have an act that incorporated my dog and cat. My dog is stubborn as a mule and my cat is half wild.

So for now, you and my family will have to 'bear with me' while I feel my brain soften or as in the words of Bernard Black- 'fall away like wet cake' and clock watch, knowing that in the last 15 minutes I will have earned enough to buy a sandwich at lunch. I had a five minute conversation with some old bat today about a picture in the catalogue. It was 6.04pm and I was there 4 minutes past the clocking out time. Precious, non-paid minutes wasting my life.

Minutes are not just precious to me, but for the company I work for. If I am at lunch- I have to enter a code onto my phone- the same for a break. I even have a number for loo breaks, an; "I am going to the toilet" code. I am a machine. Mary Portas would have a field day here. There are NO incentives to work harder- and if you do not take enough calls, your name goes on a name and shame list in red. Nice.

I am learning to find small things interesting to keep me from drowning in a pool of my own drool whilst I rock slowly and bang my head on the desk. Today I found the street name 'Electric Avenue' highly amusing. And when a customer has an incorrect code - I like to say - 'computer says no' but this is wasted on pensioners.

God help me I need a new teaching post.

Three stars and a wish....

I'm off work at the moment. In fact I've hardly been at work this term. It's not working out well with the new boss who has taken a massive dislike to me for some reason and seems to be making it her personal mission to wear me down until I leave or at least have a nervous breakdown. I'm now on my 6/7th week of time off I think. It gives me time to regroup for the next time I see her. So far I have done no more than a 3 week period before she is so vile to me I cannot cope and get signed off.

A number of things have been suggested to me about why she is this way with me. I am not singled out for the toilet brush treatment but I do get it worse than the others. I am the only one who is really fighting it and standing up to her in any way - ie seeing governors and making a loud noise about how bad things are. So perhaps it is that I pose her greatest threat.
The other more shallow reason suggested to me is that I am everything she is not. I am not a cow. I have friends and a life outside work. I am popular in the workplace and have good relationships with parents children and staff. Finally I don't look like the back end of a bus and I have more years experience. I am not a fast track arsehole like she is - I went into the job for the love of it and not to tread over everyone to get to the top of the tree.

On my last return to work- I had to sit with her and fill out some pointless stress evaluation- very hard to write - YOU ARE THE PROBLEM - I HAVE BEEN FINE FOR YEARS HERE BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG AND SUCKED THE JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
So instead I had to be more tactful unfortunately, I gave her one of my analogies. 

I have used a few analogies about my current situation. One is that I now work in the 3rd Reich - the other is that I am Frodo Baggins and my colleagues are the fellowship of the ring- we turn up every day under the ever watchful eye of Sauron the all seeing evil eye and are trying to stay alive in the fiery bowels of Mordor.
 I decided these were not wise to share with her and instead gave her some teacher speak about marking work. Some schools use 3 stars and a wish- pick three positive things about a child's work and then one area for improvement. I pointed out to her that all any of us had had was negativity and wishes but no stars. She has also made a massive impact on our workload. None of us feels able to keep up. I said that she could not expect any of us to be on board with her wishes if our self esteem is on the ground because we'd all give up.

It's a simple thing but places like ours do run on good will. There is none at the moment. It used to be in abundance. I'm left wondering why anyone comes into a new job like this - determined to make enemies of people and fail to have any empathy at all. I don't know many people who don't want to be liked by others. It would really upset me to think I was not liked- she doesn't seem to give a crap. She said something a while ago to one of the teacher's dogs. He came over to her to say hello and she said - at least someone here likes me! How utterly stupid- of course no one likes you- you are a bully!

So until next Monday I am at home pondering the future for me again and enjoying the warmth of my fire and the Christmas lights. I aim to make this my last rant about her as I don't wish to focus more attention on her. Merry Christmas.

Fragility

 I just had to check that fragility was actually a word. It is.
I'm calling my post that today because you often don't realise how fragile something is until it isn't there any more. This month has been tough. I'm writing this at 3.40pm on a Thurs pm. I ought to be at work. I'm not. I've just been signed off for a month. This was a compromise. The doctor wanted me to be off for two.
My immune system is pretty shocking at the moment and I've come down with all sorts. I know that there are many factors contributing to this. Mainly it is my job.
I've been secure and happy there for a long time and am the first to say that my job keeps me sane when all else is going wrong.
I don't have that now and it is remarkable how quickly that has had an effect on my health. My health is more fragile than I thought. My doctor said in mocking tones- 'you're a bit of a wreck, aren't you?'
I'm off with amongst other things; a nasty ear and chest infection and some kind of skin bug. Yuk. I feel revolting. Revolting in that I feel unwell and that I have a skin bug.
Urlgh. See I KNEW the blisters were NOT ok.
 My body and brain have reached a point now where they have decided enough is enough. I don't seem to be able to deal with any more emotional trauma and this month there has been A LOT of it. Some of it was expected, some was not.
Fortunately, my boss was quite understanding and has wished me well and intends not to send me home work to do over the next four weeks.
Some of my friends are being great too. They know who they are. 

Also proving to be very fragile this month are two of our family cats. One we said goodbye to on Sunday. Another we have bid our goodbyes today. She is off to the vet soon and she won't be coming home. We are very sad. Very recently, the two of them seemed fine. Old and showing signs of age, but not sick like this week.

So what do I intend to do about it?
Well I now have a month. The first thing I began doing was looking for pastures new with regards to my job. I've signed up to various sites that are education based and I will be mailed suitable jobs. But I've been looking further afield too. I also applied for a job yesterday which is not related to school at all, but one of my other passions. In my own over used words, 'we'll see!'
I'm disappointed in this post as I always intend to keep an upbeat tone and it's not been so obvious recently. I need some very big changes again in my life.


For the rest of today I will be watching crap on TV, reading trashy mags and novels and picking up the rest of my very long prescription if I can muster up the energy.

R and R for me then.
And RIP for my pussy cats. We love you very much!

Pedestals

 ....or maybe I should call it pedal stool, as a friend of mine thinks the word may be.

I have not been having a good few days. Nor have some of those I love and care about.
I have made no bones about the fact I dislike my boss intensely. I have been crying most days and nights and been spoken to as if I were some backward, carrot-crunching, simpleton who has somehow managed to forge a career and good reputation by staying under the radar.
Bitch.

It has been suggested, and alluded to, that I may have put my previous boss on some kind of pedestal.
In fact no. She is thought of in high regard, because she is a good person, who pretty much always treated me well, and was funny and magical. There is no pedestal about that.
My new boss is Jeckyll and Hyde.
We are to 'accept the governors knew what they were doing'.
NO they didn't- you were Dr Jeckyll then.
You have saved the bloody Mr Hyde act for us!

I am guilty of putting some people on a pedestal however. I  have Mr Derren Brown on a pedestal. He is genius. This is my final word on the subject and I will not hear otherwise.
Apparently I put my sister on a pedestal too. More than one person has suggested I think she is 'better' than me.
She has what I think is a very exciting life with no real ties. I am envious of that...but not in the way my RELATE councillor understands envy (different to jealousy as envy was about wanting to destroy what the other person has). I do think it would be rather excellent to just jet off to another country and build a life there. And to just throw myself into a new career. I'm not able to do that but I think I'd like to.
There are other people whose opinion I trust above my own and I will seek it out. People who I cannot imagine having to live without. What would I do? How would I make decisions?

Returning to my opening and it not having been a good few days....
It has also been a horrid few days for one of my best friends. Her life has just come crashing down around her through no fault of her own.
Her partner beat her up. Another case of Jeckyll and Hyde.
I'm so very angry, sad for her and disappointed. I cannot say shocked unfortunately as I knew there was some background of this. I have never liked him. He is the one I have written about before and called a sleazebag. I don't have a word for him today. Certainly nothing I'm prepared to write.
She had him on a pedestal. Thought the world of him. People will always surprise you, for good, or for bad.
I hope those she loves, and a few she didn't know care, step up and surprise her for good. I intend to be one of them.
It is a good week for me to throw myself back into Buddhism and the Metta Bhavana.

On a happier note, we had some wonderful news yesterday about a family friend who is recovering from a horrid illness. I will continue to wish her well in my thoughts.

Simple Pleasures

Today I went and spent the day at the British seaside. The day involved paddling in the sea, watching my dog swim, watching my dog swim with my newly retired boss, fish and chips (in my case just the chips) - my dog ate a battered sausage and everybody's leftover fish skin, strawberries and ice cream, a walk and afternoon tea.
You understand of course my dog did not take afternoon tea? Or eat strawberries and ice cream...?
We spent the day at my new retired boss's caravan ( I am going to abbreviate to MNRB). There were none of the things I dislike about the coast- high winds, crowds, and worst of all- arcades.
I am a horrid snob about arcades. To me they are everything that is bad about the seaside. Noise, lights, a terrible waste of money and they prevent people from actually enjoying the outdoors. I actually think it is quite tragic when I see families spending their time in arcades shooting at pictures on a screen and chucking money away, instead of building sandcastles on the beach. My father used to take such pride in the sandcastles, they would always have a working moat, be enormous in size and would inevitably draw a crowd. We NEVER visited arcades.
I used to work in a seaside town before I came to where I work now and was continually asked why I did not move there and instead, drove 45 minutes to work every day. Unless hell had frozen over, there was no way. For our regular staff meals out, the 'Entertainments Committee' would organise a dinner at the local 'All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet'. I do not think I need go any further with my description of this establishment. Needless to say, I was often unavailable for these occasions. Did I mention I was a horrid snob?
Today involved no flashing lights, rob-you-blind arcade games or all you can eat buffets. We did eat fish and chips and they were rather good. MNRB went swimming in the sea with my dog which kept him amused but he was a little disappointed I would not join them. (NOTHING would tempt me into the sea in the UK.)
Even the caravan was nice and reminded me of my holidays when I was growing up, in my grandparent's caravan near Lowestoft.
Yes I am a horrid snob when it comes to arcades and all you can eat 'restaurants' but I do enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. A pleasant walk, seeing those I care about happy, and drinking tea and eating cakes with lovely people.
This post would have read nothing like this however, if we had had grey weather, high winds and rain!

Random Objects

 I lost £5 the other day. This never happens to me and it irritated me beyond all reason - to the point where one of my friends said she'd give me the bloody fiver.
I searched through my bag thoroughly but somewhere between the pet shop and home, it had gone. I did however discover a unique and interesting selection of objects in my bag. I challenged the others to have a more random selection than me but of course, I won hands down.
In my bag I had;

• a sock (briefly worn - just one)
• hayfever tablets
• a change of name deed
• two colours of nail polish
• a speech transcript
• a usb lead for my ipod
• a plaster

I could go on and I daresay if I went and checked the bag now it would have a whole array of more random objects than I've listed but I may appear even more of a loon.
My desk is a similar story. As I look about now there is the fairly normal pen, post it notes, calculator.... but then there is also a fir cone, more nail polish, two lots of tablets, some craft materials, leaflets about befriending, two hello kitty memory sticks, some strawberry earrings, and a spare mobile phone. This is a good day- there have been far worse days!
The letter from the local MP has now made it to the bin as I have decided I can no longer deal with the pointless battle I have with him over his prehistoric views.

I strive to be tidy and organised both at home and at work. I fail. I have too much stuff. Too much clutter and too many treasures. Maybe I should take inspiration from some of the people I've worked with over the last ten years. Firstly there was Chris. She put all her 'this is beyond disgusting and I will not afford it houseroom' gifts from children at the end of term on a special shelf in the classroom which she had labelled the Treasure Shelf. This means she never gives them houseroom, but shows the children the value of their treasures by having them on permanent display. Genius!

Then there is my current boss. I have been to her home twice and last time I was there, I was shown the now famous antique post sorting cabinet. It has its many sections and these are carefully labelled with each letter of the alphabet. Then all the toot is filed thus- sellotape under s, with string, superglue and scissors, blu tac under b with buttons and batteries etc, p is for pens, pencils and paper.... you get the picture. It is always a talking point, it sorts the clutter and everyone knows where to find all the stuff!

Today is the last day of term. I bid my boss goodbye after seven very happy years working for her and I'm more than a bit devastated. Up until our final gathering at half two, we shall all be having a tidy up. I wonder how far I'll get. At the last supper last night, we talked about how one of us at the table thinks drapes are the solution to all ills. "Cover it with a drape, no one will see", and how that by next parents evening, a new drape is needed. Before long it can become something that Tony Robinson and the Time Team can come and excavate. At our place of work, the other place is under the staffroom table which drives our finance lady  nearly to tears. She drew the line at many, many pots of mud from the layers of soil dug up during the building project and consigned these to the final resting place at school- the shed.

My own place is the spare room. Challenge me...ask if I have a bauble, pop up puppet theatre, Fisher Price record player, board game, boxing gloves?....
They are all here.

Tradition

 I have to make a public speech next Thursday. Well, two actually.

One of them is about the Pupil of the Year. This will be fine. I did it last year and managed to make the audience cry with my touching words. Now I feel a bit like Monica in that episode of Friends. I've done it once, I must make them weep again.
The second speech is for my boss who retires this year. This is the real test. I have written it and will run it by some trusted people before I go public with it. However, reading and writing it have left me feeling awfully sad about some of the traditions we have had over the years. I hope very much they will continue.

It has been a tradition to do a Secret Santa at Christmas with a raffle to win the weird and wonderful things my boss has found on her shopping trips. One Valentine's Day she got the staff socks with hearts on.
Then there is the Maypole Dancing and Morris Dancing, made up songs, eccentric sports.... the list could go on forever but I won't retype my speech!
As a staff we are all hoping our twee and silly traditions won't become a thing of the past. They give our school its unique character.

So then I started thinking about other traditions. In our family we have many. Some I love, some not so much.
I love our annual trip to the sea for the dog's birthday, followed by shepherds pie made just for them. I love the Halloween trip, the crazed look in my mum's face as she collects together the wood/paper/anything that might vaguely burn for our bonfire party.
I don't love the stuffing jokes made at my expense at the Christmas dinner table;
"Camellia likes a good stuffing"
"I hope you've had planty of stuffing Camellia"
My brother in law TEXTED a joke last Christmas. I could do without this particular tradition.
Other silly ones include seasonal names for our family cat. We call him 'Cakes'. I can't even remember why - but he's a very plump and cuddly cat. At Christmas he is Christmas Cakes, then throughout the year; Birthday Cakes, Easter Cakes....you get the idea.

There is some indication that things will be very different at work in September under the new regime. We will be hoping very much that our traditions are upheld. There will be trouble if they are not!

Instinct is when you just KNOW

Yesterday I listened to 4 of my class read the same book, one after the other practically. Fortunately it was not too dull. It was about tigers. A word which popped up was 'instinct' and because they're clever and have a good teacher, they used the glossary to look it up.
We talked about the fact it's when you just KNOW something, you're not told.
I should trust mine more.
My neighbour tried to panic monger the other day by telling me he thought my cat's collar was too tight. I said- didn't you take it off him then? I pointed out the fact that he sees my cat far more than I do and that I had not seen him in 2 weeks. His partner then said- 'I'm sure it's alright, he seems to be able to eat ok'
OH MY GOD!
So I am left standing there, trying not to hyperventilate with thoughts of my small strangulated cat wandering the village, slowly starving. I should have trusted my instincts. He came in this morning at 3am, miaowed and I got up, checked his collar and fed him. The collar is perfect. It has not moved. I have taken it off anyway. It was to discourage people putting their own on him, which happened once. I trust that the little ginger man will come home every so often so I'll check he's collar free when he does.

My instinct told me a few weeks ago, the school inspector was an arse. Before he came, we had our pre visit calls. Amongst many other demands, he asked for "a platter of mixed sandwiches". I was quite outspoken (not like me) about the fact that he seemed to think he was Elton John giving us his rider. I was told that he was a nice man and not to pre judge.
Some weeks later, I was right. He is an arse.

First impressions are often correct. Very often correct.
I've made this mistake before, decided I don't like someone on first impressions, then been convinced to give them the benefit of the doubt. In one case, this was a MASSIVE error.
When you go to someone's home for the first time and they
a) don't offer you a drink/seat etc and then b) offer everyone except you a doughnut, you are not mistaken in the fact that this person is a malicious cow.
When some years later they begin bombarding you with imtimidatory text messages telling you that you only give people the time of day if they have a degree and that you look down your nose at all and sundry, and that they intended to give your mother a hard time, but had been prevented, you can sit back, satisfied that your first impressions were correct.

What I often do, apparently to my detriment, is be quite harsh on people in the early stages of meeting.
I never liked a friend of my ex. Every time I saw him he would make some comment about how it was good to see me washing up/cooking/cleaning as that's what I should be doing as the little woman. I let this go a while, asked the ex to have a word, which he didn't. This friend came to the house where I live now. He came only once. It went a little like this;
Idiot- Ah there you are, washing up, good to see,
Me - Do you know, that is all you ever say to me?
This is MY house, I work full time and I pay ALL the bills.
I'm a bit sick of you speaking to me like that and actually I won't have it in my own home anymore.
He never came back - shame.I missed the misogynistic gems.

Today I am going to meet the woman who may be my boss in September. I will go on my first impressions and will hope that the interview panel does the same. For us staff, we are to enjoy a breakfast meeting this morning to get to know her. We'll see.

"Could be you’re here because you’re good with words and know the right thing to say at the right time. I know the words to Candle in the Wind. It don't make me Elton John." Sir Alan Sugar

 This week at work I have lost my mind a little and decided to run a project about making profits with small children. We are baking Healthy Snacks to sell at a profit. This way I tick a load of the government's Every Child Matters targets and hopefully we learn lots in a fun way;

• be healthy
• stay safe
• enjoy and achieve
• make a positive contribution
• achieve economic well-being

We did 'market research' to find out what our would be customers wanted, used a vote to pick 4 top ones and this week we're making and selling. The class have had to write to the head for permission, advertise the week, think of a name for our project 'SNACK ATTACK' and then hopefully make some money.
We'll see if I have any budding Sir Alans in the making. I am not convinced yet whether this week will be a success. Today I have missed all break time whilst I have run around like a mad thing checking on cakes, supervised icing and placing into airtight containers. We have discussed how much I have spent on ingredients and that I need that money back or I am out of pocket. We have also discussed that we need to make a profit but that the children in our school need to pay a reasonable amount. I hope this week will be a steep but beneficial learning curve.

 What annoys me intensely about popular culture today is that you can be rich and famous for nothing at all. There is no sense of having worked hard to achieve. Role models are men and women who do very little or at worst have no talent or even redeeming features at all. There is no link made between working hard and having nice things. Not that I think life is about this- clearly I don't. But I do think children need to be aware they will not be handed a nice life on a plate or that it comes with no skills, effort or work. Our society paints a skewed picture. Footballers can behave as abhorrently as they like, without conscience or consequence. My argument here is not that they are not talented, just they are disproportionately paid for what they do- yes I know football earns a HUGE amount of money but it also ruins men. Men who go into it as boys and are given insane wealth and privilege and are actually kids who have no idea how to be responsible adults.
Women must be thin and pretty - and if they are, they can turn their hand to anything; fashion, singing, acting, TV presenting, writing etc. I will get off my soap box now.
Some of the children are already understanding the concept behind our project but others are lagging behind. When the 'icing team' had showed everyone the finished cakes today, one child said, "when are we going to eat them?"
We'll see how the week goes.

Victoria est mei!

My rant on Monday paid off. I am so relieved and starting to feel a bit better about my work situation.
Really kicking off and leaving people with no doubt about my feelings and the course of action I wanted taken, have paid dividends.
What I wanted done with a proposed letter was done, and the changes I wanted made, were made. I am very pleased, both for myself and for my colleagues - justice. I also had it confirmed by someone I respect from high up that I am as good as I think I am at my job. I also had it stated that if this were not the correct judgement in the first place, the changes to this letter would not have been made - something that apparently NEVER happens and means he got it wrong and he knows it.
Pussy cat I may be, but I do get my way......mostly. 
So this news has been good medicine.

What I'm not so thrilled about is my knees. I wanted to be in training most of this week so that I can do this run on Sunday in half an hour- not really fast, but not shameful either. My knees have decided otherwise and I will most likely be wearing very attractive knee supports and consuming giant green horse tablets of chondroitin and glucosamine. It's a good job fun runners don't get drug tested- I'd rattle my way in to the testing centre. I wonder why my body must fight my attempts at serious fitness. First shin splints and now the knee thing. This came on last Summer when I began to hear a worrying 'velcro' sound in one and then both knees. I was told to strengthen the muscles in my legs around the knee with weights - which I did. Now this issue is back. Grrrrr.
But I shouldn't moan. A friend of mine spent half her school life on crutches. We barely recognised her without them. She injures herself less now but it really was quite ridiculous for a while.
 
In other news, I wait to see what will happen with the very odd coalition between progressive left wingers and traditionalist right wingers in our country. It doesn't seem a popular decision. I watched Cameron drive from Buckingham Palace to Downing Street while Nick Robinson assured us the crowds were cheering.
Jeering maybe. As he made his speech, David Cameron's wife looked nervous - hardly surprising with loud taunts of 'Tory Scum' from the crowd.
He talked about the difficult times ahead and how he intended to work with Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats. What an odd alliance this will be and how long will it 'work'?

 But as he stepped inside No.10 and closed the door behind him, Cameron must have felt a little bit of my victoria est mei, even if it hasn't gone quite as he had hoped.

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Wow, I don't remember the last time I was this angry. I always say I don't do angry and that is true...ask my mum!
I have been thinking about this lately and discussing a bit with others. My temper that is. I don't have much of one. Feisty, yes, but I'm not an angry person. I get upset and cry when things go wrong. I'm a delicate flower, a pussy cat.
Tonight I lost my temper. I think I swore in front of the local vicar and I banged my bag down on the table in rage. Not pretty.

I have made a promise to myself that I won't live with anger again- in my personal life. When I did, it made me a shadow of myself and made me miserable. One day I had enough and realised I was scared of my own partner and asked him to leave. I cannot explain how different my home felt afterwards- it was quite remarkable, tangible even. I have never regretted that decision.

If my poxy knees weren't giving me loads of trouble again I'd be out running off the anger. As it is, I'm blogging and then I'm going to read my new book. I just bought 59 seconds and I have to start 5 days of writing about things that have been good this week. I am ignoring school, and instead concentrating on my running, improving fitness and the wonderful people who have sponsored our Race for Life so far!

Ooh, did I mention I LOVE Ed Norton? I do. He is great!

Being a doormat

Well it took me a week, but I have now responded to the person who let me down. There was much flustering and trying to dig herself out of ever increasing hole and suggestions that I misinterpreted 'context'. I quoted her directly and pointed out that I thought that pretty much did set the context.
I am becoming myself again. I never used to be a doormat, then had a few years of it, now I'm back and it's how I should be. I don't shout or lose my temper but I make sure my feelings are known.

This week a man sent me a text message asking how I was and what I'd been up to so naively I answered and said I'd been to Istanbul, got my dog back, applied for and turned down an overseas job etc etc.
He replied- 'I meant guys.'
Nice- how much more clearly can you say - I don't care what you've been up to, I only care if I still stand a chance?
I gave him my Tesco analogy to which he replied 'LOL you're too fussy! I am an ALDI man- good value but you know what you're getting'
Idiot.
I then ignored following messages until he wrote 'so do I stand a chance?'
No.
His final message was 'remember you deserve a good man'.
Ummmm yes, I know - evidently that was my point.
People will always surprise you, for good or for bad...

So, returning to my earlier issue; I would like it on record that in a silent building, but for a room of people having a meeting, wooden doors are not soundproof and I do not have WELCOME stamped all over my arse.

Narnia

 When I moved to my current home, I showed everyone around and saved the best bit til last. The best bit being my wardrobe. My bedroom is not huge but it does have an excellent wardrobe. I stood by the doors and my sister asked.."Is it Narnia?" at which point I opened the doors to reveal my decently sized walk in wardrobe with shelving to the ceiling, a shoe rack and double rail for clothes.
OH, it's better than Narnia!" she gasped. And it is.

When I moved here, I was not alone and shared this wardrobe...I reckon I had about 60% of it and would squash up my clothes to accomodate his crap. I often tried to hide my new purchases too which was retarded and unnecessary as it was my bloody money. Anyway, now I have it all to myself and it's a little bit bursting at the seams. Whoops.

The other day at work we discussed where we might like to go for a staff trip and treat. We came up with 5 ideas to please everyone. We can dream, but here they are;

• Ladies Day at Ascot
• The Ballet at the Royal Opera House
• Dinner at Heston's Fat Duck restaurant in Bray
• Afternoon Tea at the Ritz (I've done this once already...it is most pleasant)
• Go Ape - some staff members not so keen as me on this! 

We discussed the need for new outfits for most of these occasions and one of my colleagues looked at me laughing and said...
"You? You have more clothes than anyone I know...you MUST have something!"
True enough I have already bought and dismissed an outfit for a friend's wedding in July, knowing that I simply MUST have a new dress from Coast rather than something I have owned for a few weeks.
I am then quizzed about whether I fill up the charity bags that come through the door...yes I do, on a regular basis, but then I restock! I defend myself by saying that I rarely drink, I do not smoke, and have few vices but this. I was asked recently how many pairs of shoes I own. I think it's 40. I think that's fine and in fact quite modest. But it is true that I forget what I own in the way of clothes and have lovely moments of rediscovering things when I'm putting the odd item into a charity sack.

Crimes I AM guilty of are;

• Wearing a pair of £150 shoes twice in 5 year period. 
• Finding the 'perfect' item and buying in bulk
• Coveting items- giving myself a 'next month you can have it -rule' then buying it the next day. 

At university my shoe habit was worse. I had a part time job in a shoe shop where I'd put coveted items aside til pay day. I had a daft amount of shoes for a student and my flatmates would laugh that had so many Saturday night shoes but couldn't afford to go out on a Saturday night. I cared not. 
I am of course guilty of a crime far worse than the above though. I am ALWAYS ALWAYS moaning that I have NOTHING to wear...I will be the same tomorrow for work. On a Sunday I move about things I think I'd like to re-air that week...then never do because I have NOTHING to wear.

Oh dear God, I have just looked at the Coast page....whoops.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix

 I'm doing my weeble bit today. I'm bouncing back from last week's disappointment and feelings of being undervalued.

I'm making plans for my future and possibly doing something that's a bit risky. If I can do these things, I will never regret them but it's the how.

I am looking into gaining BSL Level 1 which I've wanted to do for years. Today I mailed the college that runs the course to send me the info. I'm also going to try and take a Biology A Level so that someday I can do a second degree. This time in Marine Biology, something I'm becoming increasingly interested in. People I love and respect whom I have spoken to today about my plans have been really supportive which helps.

I think this is not too knee jerk and both are positive. Yes I'm nearly 33 but no reason why I can't do something brand new! I looked at Marine Biology degree courses too and they looked great. I don't know how I'll do it or fund it but I think I'd love it. I just have to sort the sea legs issue then!

I also plan to apply for AST status which I've said I'll do forever but never have.
The other thing I did today was enroll for Race for Life. I started running just a couple of weeks ago and I never thought I'd volunteer to run but I am. My reactions to bad news are never negative for long. I never turn to drink/drugs or playing the field. I hope I will always be this way. Change will always happen and it can be a great thing - a time of rebirth.

A leopard will never change its spots

Today I feel let down. I am hugely disappointed and upset. It does not help that I am exhausted and my Thursday night did not help this. I had to call the police out at 3am Friday morning as there was a nasty domestic going on next door...culminating in him shouting "Do you need an ambulance?"  Arsehole.

Anyway, I am let down and furious. I have not decided what I will do about this yet as I don't wish to be reactionary. I heard something yesterday that I was not meant to hear and it was about me. It was not nice, but more importantly it was untrue.
It was also about my work. I may not be a perfect human being. I may have flaws. I do. I am good at my job. I am very good at my job.
I heard that I needed to embrace creativity and become less 'static'. I am fuming. My work is so beyond static I cannot say. I am so very upset.
Evidently I write in short abrupt sentences when I am upset!

The person saying this was the very person who should have been backing me up and talking about my very creative work. They did not. Walls have ears. I have not decided yet whether I confront her. I want to. She will be cross I have heard this and try and turn this on me. I will not let her. I think I am the injured party here.
This happened to me several years ago. I was not backed up by this person over something I absolutely should have been. I said then I would never trust her again. Leopards do not change their spots. 

A short entry, but I am still debating my response and my reaction. But rest assured there will be one.

The Workplace

I watched Office Space a couple of weeks ago. I watched it with family who work in offices and they sat round commenting on how their work was just like that.
How depressing. I sat watching it thinking, 'my workplace is NOTHING like this'.

At my workplace we never have a dreary version of Happy Birthday round a cake that we share with people we don't like.
Today is my bosses 60th birthday. I spent last night filling her office with balloons, butterflies, fairy lights and banners. There is confetti EVERYWHERE and this afternoon we're having a massive party where I hear there will be a giant jelly cat. It will be fun.
So I don't work in an office, and do in fact work in a school, but nonetheless, it's always nice to hold a proper celebration for birthdays.
I wore fairy wings on my 30th at work. And last year our secretary had a Bear Grylls themed 40th birthday and her office was a jungle. We played Bearngo (bingo with Bear theme) and all day she found random plastic insects in her printer, drawers and anywhere we had hidden them. I got her a Survival Kit which I'm sure she finds useful on a daily basis and I hand made all her jungle themed party bags too.

So it's later on the 21st now. We had an English Country Garden themed tea party. There were cucumber sandwiches with no crusts, bunting, crisps and sausage rolls and jelly. We listened to 'Bananas in Pyjamas' and other such classics. We played pass the parcel, the Queen of Sheba and other silly games. It was a lot of fun.

I don't think things would be any different if there were no children in my workplace, we'd still do all this. Well, maybe not the games but we'd certainly still have themed rooms and a lot of genuine fuss made of birthday girl or boy!
Everyone I work with is great and throw themselves into the fun.

Today is a happy blog about why I love my job, love my workplace and love my colleagues. A day for gratitude.