Fragility

 I just had to check that fragility was actually a word. It is.
I'm calling my post that today because you often don't realise how fragile something is until it isn't there any more. This month has been tough. I'm writing this at 3.40pm on a Thurs pm. I ought to be at work. I'm not. I've just been signed off for a month. This was a compromise. The doctor wanted me to be off for two.
My immune system is pretty shocking at the moment and I've come down with all sorts. I know that there are many factors contributing to this. Mainly it is my job.
I've been secure and happy there for a long time and am the first to say that my job keeps me sane when all else is going wrong.
I don't have that now and it is remarkable how quickly that has had an effect on my health. My health is more fragile than I thought. My doctor said in mocking tones- 'you're a bit of a wreck, aren't you?'
I'm off with amongst other things; a nasty ear and chest infection and some kind of skin bug. Yuk. I feel revolting. Revolting in that I feel unwell and that I have a skin bug.
Urlgh. See I KNEW the blisters were NOT ok.
 My body and brain have reached a point now where they have decided enough is enough. I don't seem to be able to deal with any more emotional trauma and this month there has been A LOT of it. Some of it was expected, some was not.
Fortunately, my boss was quite understanding and has wished me well and intends not to send me home work to do over the next four weeks.
Some of my friends are being great too. They know who they are. 

Also proving to be very fragile this month are two of our family cats. One we said goodbye to on Sunday. Another we have bid our goodbyes today. She is off to the vet soon and she won't be coming home. We are very sad. Very recently, the two of them seemed fine. Old and showing signs of age, but not sick like this week.

So what do I intend to do about it?
Well I now have a month. The first thing I began doing was looking for pastures new with regards to my job. I've signed up to various sites that are education based and I will be mailed suitable jobs. But I've been looking further afield too. I also applied for a job yesterday which is not related to school at all, but one of my other passions. In my own over used words, 'we'll see!'
I'm disappointed in this post as I always intend to keep an upbeat tone and it's not been so obvious recently. I need some very big changes again in my life.


For the rest of today I will be watching crap on TV, reading trashy mags and novels and picking up the rest of my very long prescription if I can muster up the energy.

R and R for me then.
And RIP for my pussy cats. We love you very much!

I quit

Right. Decision made. Going to hand my notice in. I have 5 weeks to find a new job.

Pedestals

 ....or maybe I should call it pedal stool, as a friend of mine thinks the word may be.

I have not been having a good few days. Nor have some of those I love and care about.
I have made no bones about the fact I dislike my boss intensely. I have been crying most days and nights and been spoken to as if I were some backward, carrot-crunching, simpleton who has somehow managed to forge a career and good reputation by staying under the radar.
Bitch.

It has been suggested, and alluded to, that I may have put my previous boss on some kind of pedestal.
In fact no. She is thought of in high regard, because she is a good person, who pretty much always treated me well, and was funny and magical. There is no pedestal about that.
My new boss is Jeckyll and Hyde.
We are to 'accept the governors knew what they were doing'.
NO they didn't- you were Dr Jeckyll then.
You have saved the bloody Mr Hyde act for us!

I am guilty of putting some people on a pedestal however. I  have Mr Derren Brown on a pedestal. He is genius. This is my final word on the subject and I will not hear otherwise.
Apparently I put my sister on a pedestal too. More than one person has suggested I think she is 'better' than me.
She has what I think is a very exciting life with no real ties. I am envious of that...but not in the way my RELATE councillor understands envy (different to jealousy as envy was about wanting to destroy what the other person has). I do think it would be rather excellent to just jet off to another country and build a life there. And to just throw myself into a new career. I'm not able to do that but I think I'd like to.
There are other people whose opinion I trust above my own and I will seek it out. People who I cannot imagine having to live without. What would I do? How would I make decisions?

Returning to my opening and it not having been a good few days....
It has also been a horrid few days for one of my best friends. Her life has just come crashing down around her through no fault of her own.
Her partner beat her up. Another case of Jeckyll and Hyde.
I'm so very angry, sad for her and disappointed. I cannot say shocked unfortunately as I knew there was some background of this. I have never liked him. He is the one I have written about before and called a sleazebag. I don't have a word for him today. Certainly nothing I'm prepared to write.
She had him on a pedestal. Thought the world of him. People will always surprise you, for good, or for bad.
I hope those she loves, and a few she didn't know care, step up and surprise her for good. I intend to be one of them.
It is a good week for me to throw myself back into Buddhism and the Metta Bhavana.

On a happier note, we had some wonderful news yesterday about a family friend who is recovering from a horrid illness. I will continue to wish her well in my thoughts.

Time

So the new regime has begun. I've been back at work four days and already I'm dragging my heels and sulking. It's not a good sign. It's my eighth year in this job and I've never been less keen to get up in the morning.

I said I'd try and be positive and everyone says I have to give it time, but I'm not crazy about the new boss and I'm even less crazy about some of her ideas and the accompanying workload. We had our first meeting today. One member of staff was crying almost hysterically so I think that should give you some idea about how we're feeling. Her tears were met with a somewhat aggressive response and impenetrable glare.
I for one am already very tired of the constant 'Really?' to everything I say and accompanying sneer. It's a good job I am not a violent person. I don't like being talked to as if I were on the end of her toilet brush.

The nice things have gone already too. First day back and we didn't even get a 'Hello team, how are you all, it's good to see you' etc... We had ...... a marking policy given to us that resembled the magna carta in length.
Play times are now so short that staff have to drink tea/coffee at volcanic temperatures. And if any of us thinks about staying out a couple of minutes longer to give the others a break, and the children some more freedom, she comes out to glare.

We have also been told that the three after school meetings next week are all to be attended and that , yes, there will be a staff meeting because the after school things fall into 'directed time' anyway. Seriously, if she wants to start getting pedantic about times, I will be raising the fact I get nothing like my 10% non contact time.Negotiation and discussion seem to be alien concepts. We are not used to this, we don't like it.
I wonder why new bosses come in like some Tom cat, peeing all over their territory and stamping authority. It's rarely met with enthusiasm. How much nicer, and more sensible to have let things run a while and see what needed a tweak, rather than bulldoze all the many things we love and make our school what it is.

I hear rumours that she plans to issue late slips to parents arriving after 9am. This will go down like a cup of cold sick with our parents. People have complex lives. Many of our parents do. You don't get them on side by issuing late slips. 

With luck, I hope she has gone home this evening feeling a little bit shit about today. It can't have been the sort of first meeting you hope for when it's clear you have pissed off ALL your key players in a very small team. Even though she looked like she couldn't care less that it was all falling apart round her, it must have smarted a little.

Only time will tell whether things will improve or whether the three of us jump ship or at least attempt mutiny.