Three stars and a wish....

I'm off work at the moment. In fact I've hardly been at work this term. It's not working out well with the new boss who has taken a massive dislike to me for some reason and seems to be making it her personal mission to wear me down until I leave or at least have a nervous breakdown. I'm now on my 6/7th week of time off I think. It gives me time to regroup for the next time I see her. So far I have done no more than a 3 week period before she is so vile to me I cannot cope and get signed off.

A number of things have been suggested to me about why she is this way with me. I am not singled out for the toilet brush treatment but I do get it worse than the others. I am the only one who is really fighting it and standing up to her in any way - ie seeing governors and making a loud noise about how bad things are. So perhaps it is that I pose her greatest threat.
The other more shallow reason suggested to me is that I am everything she is not. I am not a cow. I have friends and a life outside work. I am popular in the workplace and have good relationships with parents children and staff. Finally I don't look like the back end of a bus and I have more years experience. I am not a fast track arsehole like she is - I went into the job for the love of it and not to tread over everyone to get to the top of the tree.

On my last return to work- I had to sit with her and fill out some pointless stress evaluation- very hard to write - YOU ARE THE PROBLEM - I HAVE BEEN FINE FOR YEARS HERE BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG AND SUCKED THE JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
So instead I had to be more tactful unfortunately, I gave her one of my analogies. 

I have used a few analogies about my current situation. One is that I now work in the 3rd Reich - the other is that I am Frodo Baggins and my colleagues are the fellowship of the ring- we turn up every day under the ever watchful eye of Sauron the all seeing evil eye and are trying to stay alive in the fiery bowels of Mordor.
 I decided these were not wise to share with her and instead gave her some teacher speak about marking work. Some schools use 3 stars and a wish- pick three positive things about a child's work and then one area for improvement. I pointed out to her that all any of us had had was negativity and wishes but no stars. She has also made a massive impact on our workload. None of us feels able to keep up. I said that she could not expect any of us to be on board with her wishes if our self esteem is on the ground because we'd all give up.

It's a simple thing but places like ours do run on good will. There is none at the moment. It used to be in abundance. I'm left wondering why anyone comes into a new job like this - determined to make enemies of people and fail to have any empathy at all. I don't know many people who don't want to be liked by others. It would really upset me to think I was not liked- she doesn't seem to give a crap. She said something a while ago to one of the teacher's dogs. He came over to her to say hello and she said - at least someone here likes me! How utterly stupid- of course no one likes you- you are a bully!

So until next Monday I am at home pondering the future for me again and enjoying the warmth of my fire and the Christmas lights. I aim to make this my last rant about her as I don't wish to focus more attention on her. Merry Christmas.

Glamour

 A friend of mine has just popped round to discuss my volunteering. It's taken a really long time but I'm almost to the point of being matched with a 'friend'. I'm looking forward to it. It'll be a challenge, but a good one.
As a showed my friend out, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had panda eyes from mascara and the sort of hair that can only be achieved in under ten seconds after recent shower.

I have aspirations to be one of those eternally groomed women who look effortlessly glamorous. It is doubtful I shall ever be such a woman. A year or so ago, I bumped into a girl I went to school with. She is always pristine. Hair and make up perfect. She was shopping for her son's birthday cake. I had just been swimming. I was wearing track suit bottoms with chlorine infused wet hair and I am quite sure the panda eyes.
When I lived in Bath I made a trip across town to the doctors surgery, catching two buses and walking through the University and through town. Only in the doctors waiting room did I realise my coat was inside out. It was also at university that I decided I could pull off blond hair. I was mistaken. My hair is naturally dark. I used a pre-lightener and my then boyfriend and I carefully followed the instructions on the pre-lightener and then the dye. The outcome was quite frankly terrifying. My hair was white blond for the first two inches, changing to a quite vivid yellow throughout the next 4 or 5 inches, finally blending into carrot orange. In my infinite wisdom, I had spent all my money on these dyes and would now be stuck with my comedic hair for some time. During the weeks I sported this look, I was followed by a man in a BMW and propositioned. Nuff said.

I have been painting my bathroom this week. There is no call for glamour here. But I would prefer that my mother give me some warning she is coming over if I am dressed for painting. I was wearing a pair of very old paint splattered jeans, a green t-shirt with bright yellow lettering, pink fluffy socks and some ballet pumps as I'd just put the bin out. My mother is not good at the art of subtlety when she sees such a look on her daughter.

I am not religious. However, I religiously buy a high street fashion magazine in order that I do not become a shin length floral skirt wearing teacher with whiskers growing from her chin and with a smell of cat pee about her. Or like the teacher at my old school who was near skeletal and owned one pair of stained beige slacks which she teamed with many a grotesque jumper and the overwhelming stench of fags. Last week I tried out a pair of tweed city shorts with floaty fabrics and some ankle boots. At my sign language class, I tried a more Peter Pan look with green tights under my green dress. I will not become a stereotypical teacher. However, the glamour still evades me and on a daily basis I come home smothered in paint, glue, plasticine or the like. It is not unknown for me to have a googly eye or sequin attached to me- usually my backside.

This Summer, I went to a friends wedding. I wrote about my preparations for the wedding. I had a spray tan. I liked it a lot. Made me look healthy. So the following week I went back for another. This time I looked as though I had been creosoted. I have added the creosote pictures to my FB page but under restricted access. I was asked to put them up for my family's general amusement.
I have now remedied the panda eyes.

Fragility

 I just had to check that fragility was actually a word. It is.
I'm calling my post that today because you often don't realise how fragile something is until it isn't there any more. This month has been tough. I'm writing this at 3.40pm on a Thurs pm. I ought to be at work. I'm not. I've just been signed off for a month. This was a compromise. The doctor wanted me to be off for two.
My immune system is pretty shocking at the moment and I've come down with all sorts. I know that there are many factors contributing to this. Mainly it is my job.
I've been secure and happy there for a long time and am the first to say that my job keeps me sane when all else is going wrong.
I don't have that now and it is remarkable how quickly that has had an effect on my health. My health is more fragile than I thought. My doctor said in mocking tones- 'you're a bit of a wreck, aren't you?'
I'm off with amongst other things; a nasty ear and chest infection and some kind of skin bug. Yuk. I feel revolting. Revolting in that I feel unwell and that I have a skin bug.
Urlgh. See I KNEW the blisters were NOT ok.
 My body and brain have reached a point now where they have decided enough is enough. I don't seem to be able to deal with any more emotional trauma and this month there has been A LOT of it. Some of it was expected, some was not.
Fortunately, my boss was quite understanding and has wished me well and intends not to send me home work to do over the next four weeks.
Some of my friends are being great too. They know who they are. 

Also proving to be very fragile this month are two of our family cats. One we said goodbye to on Sunday. Another we have bid our goodbyes today. She is off to the vet soon and she won't be coming home. We are very sad. Very recently, the two of them seemed fine. Old and showing signs of age, but not sick like this week.

So what do I intend to do about it?
Well I now have a month. The first thing I began doing was looking for pastures new with regards to my job. I've signed up to various sites that are education based and I will be mailed suitable jobs. But I've been looking further afield too. I also applied for a job yesterday which is not related to school at all, but one of my other passions. In my own over used words, 'we'll see!'
I'm disappointed in this post as I always intend to keep an upbeat tone and it's not been so obvious recently. I need some very big changes again in my life.


For the rest of today I will be watching crap on TV, reading trashy mags and novels and picking up the rest of my very long prescription if I can muster up the energy.

R and R for me then.
And RIP for my pussy cats. We love you very much!

I quit

Right. Decision made. Going to hand my notice in. I have 5 weeks to find a new job.

Pedestals

 ....or maybe I should call it pedal stool, as a friend of mine thinks the word may be.

I have not been having a good few days. Nor have some of those I love and care about.
I have made no bones about the fact I dislike my boss intensely. I have been crying most days and nights and been spoken to as if I were some backward, carrot-crunching, simpleton who has somehow managed to forge a career and good reputation by staying under the radar.
Bitch.

It has been suggested, and alluded to, that I may have put my previous boss on some kind of pedestal.
In fact no. She is thought of in high regard, because she is a good person, who pretty much always treated me well, and was funny and magical. There is no pedestal about that.
My new boss is Jeckyll and Hyde.
We are to 'accept the governors knew what they were doing'.
NO they didn't- you were Dr Jeckyll then.
You have saved the bloody Mr Hyde act for us!

I am guilty of putting some people on a pedestal however. I  have Mr Derren Brown on a pedestal. He is genius. This is my final word on the subject and I will not hear otherwise.
Apparently I put my sister on a pedestal too. More than one person has suggested I think she is 'better' than me.
She has what I think is a very exciting life with no real ties. I am envious of that...but not in the way my RELATE councillor understands envy (different to jealousy as envy was about wanting to destroy what the other person has). I do think it would be rather excellent to just jet off to another country and build a life there. And to just throw myself into a new career. I'm not able to do that but I think I'd like to.
There are other people whose opinion I trust above my own and I will seek it out. People who I cannot imagine having to live without. What would I do? How would I make decisions?

Returning to my opening and it not having been a good few days....
It has also been a horrid few days for one of my best friends. Her life has just come crashing down around her through no fault of her own.
Her partner beat her up. Another case of Jeckyll and Hyde.
I'm so very angry, sad for her and disappointed. I cannot say shocked unfortunately as I knew there was some background of this. I have never liked him. He is the one I have written about before and called a sleazebag. I don't have a word for him today. Certainly nothing I'm prepared to write.
She had him on a pedestal. Thought the world of him. People will always surprise you, for good, or for bad.
I hope those she loves, and a few she didn't know care, step up and surprise her for good. I intend to be one of them.
It is a good week for me to throw myself back into Buddhism and the Metta Bhavana.

On a happier note, we had some wonderful news yesterday about a family friend who is recovering from a horrid illness. I will continue to wish her well in my thoughts.

Time

So the new regime has begun. I've been back at work four days and already I'm dragging my heels and sulking. It's not a good sign. It's my eighth year in this job and I've never been less keen to get up in the morning.

I said I'd try and be positive and everyone says I have to give it time, but I'm not crazy about the new boss and I'm even less crazy about some of her ideas and the accompanying workload. We had our first meeting today. One member of staff was crying almost hysterically so I think that should give you some idea about how we're feeling. Her tears were met with a somewhat aggressive response and impenetrable glare.
I for one am already very tired of the constant 'Really?' to everything I say and accompanying sneer. It's a good job I am not a violent person. I don't like being talked to as if I were on the end of her toilet brush.

The nice things have gone already too. First day back and we didn't even get a 'Hello team, how are you all, it's good to see you' etc... We had ...... a marking policy given to us that resembled the magna carta in length.
Play times are now so short that staff have to drink tea/coffee at volcanic temperatures. And if any of us thinks about staying out a couple of minutes longer to give the others a break, and the children some more freedom, she comes out to glare.

We have also been told that the three after school meetings next week are all to be attended and that , yes, there will be a staff meeting because the after school things fall into 'directed time' anyway. Seriously, if she wants to start getting pedantic about times, I will be raising the fact I get nothing like my 10% non contact time.Negotiation and discussion seem to be alien concepts. We are not used to this, we don't like it.
I wonder why new bosses come in like some Tom cat, peeing all over their territory and stamping authority. It's rarely met with enthusiasm. How much nicer, and more sensible to have let things run a while and see what needed a tweak, rather than bulldoze all the many things we love and make our school what it is.

I hear rumours that she plans to issue late slips to parents arriving after 9am. This will go down like a cup of cold sick with our parents. People have complex lives. Many of our parents do. You don't get them on side by issuing late slips. 

With luck, I hope she has gone home this evening feeling a little bit shit about today. It can't have been the sort of first meeting you hope for when it's clear you have pissed off ALL your key players in a very small team. Even though she looked like she couldn't care less that it was all falling apart round her, it must have smarted a little.

Only time will tell whether things will improve or whether the three of us jump ship or at least attempt mutiny.

Television

 Until the school holidays, I could count the number of times I have had the television on in the last few months on one hand. I pretty much gave it up when my new life partner, the internet took over my life and because TV is shite.

It's not new or exciting to say there is nothing on television, but there really is NOTHING on television.

When I do have it on, I am stunned at the number of vacuous shows about dancing, singing and general scraping of the barrel for 'talent'.

This Summer I have watched my beloved Project Runway- (fashion does not count as scraping the barrel I might add), and various other drivel as the weather has been so appallingly bad, I haven't spent the Summer in a sun chair reading as I wished to.

Today I was horrified at The Wright Stuff. Firstly I was surprised to be agreeing 100% with Matthew Wright, and secondly for the amoeba that were ringing in with their 'opinions'. Dear God, spare us from your delusional crap about how Raoul Moat was somehow a spokesperson for the working class and 'felt trapped' by his circumstances. As Nitin Ganatra pointed out, we don't all start killing each other when life gets tough. It was also pointed out that Moat had been proved not to be a psychopath.It's a little like the Jeremy Kyle show. People with very little to recommend themselves, see an opportunity for a public voice and ring in or appear on the TV show, unaware that people who have more to recommend themselves, are horrified at what they see and hear.

This weekend the travesty that is the X Factor begins again, something I clearly share opinion again with Matthew Wright about. Barely does one ridiculous money making circus from the Cowell Empire finish, than another begins. I see Dannii Minogue received an award in February for 'Best TV Star' off the back of X Factor. I have nothing against her personally but she was in some bad soaps, made some bad records. Then made one or two average records, and thus became one of the all-knowing judges/mentors on X Factor, and is now BEST TV STAR. Please. It is the same with Amanda Holden who is at best a very average actress, passing judgement on the 'talents' of others.

From this weekend and for the foreseeable future, it's all going to be X Factor. Hooray. As soon as it finishes, Britain's Got Talent will be back on our screens as Cowell bathes in a pool of  money and self loving. My class love it all and I get regular updates in the latter stages of competition about who is in and who has gone. I rarely know who they are talking about.

I think my dog has better taste than some of the general public. He is at least discerning about his viewing habits. Usually, on the rare occasions I do have the TV on, he leaves the room or goes to sleep, knowing that I am watching something banal. Last weekend, he obviously decided I had become more high brow as he rushed in from the garden to see what wonders I was watching. Usually I can guarantee he will like it if it features; dogs, meerkats, rabbits or lions, though he very much enjoyed this years Boat Race. But this time, 101 Dalmatians was on and as I flicked through the plethora of crap on the many channels, he heard barking. It was the part in the film where the dogs send out a distress call. It has no dialogue, but for the barking of dogs for several minutes, and lots of shots of dogs barking and running about. I left it on for him and did some washing up.