We'll see...

Anyone who spends any time talking to me will have noticed that this has become my tagline of late. To pretty much everything I'm asked - I say "We'll see."
I am very non committal.
What's the new boss like? "We'll see"
What's happening with the job application - "It's on hold, we'll see."
This Summer I'm beginning the task of redrafting and with luck, finishing my book for children, which I began many moons ago. I was asked how it was going today.............."We'll see"

I think my attitude to life is a healthy one though. The days of allowing the birds of worry to nest in my hair are mostly behind me and I am looking at my future as more of an interesting journey and I have no idea about the destination. It used to worry me. Now it doesn't. I tend to think that whatever happens, I'll be ok and that old chestnut "What will be will be" is a good one to which I am subscribing. 

I decided this week, on the anniversary of when I went on a Buddhist retreat, to contact someone I met there who is as bright and sunny a person as I've ever met. I had an incredible time at the retreat. I'd never done anything like it before and was not even that familiar with Buddhism. It was wonderful. We lived without TV and phones and ate simply, spending our time chatting and drinking tea...oh and there was the getting lost in the Badwell Ash Triangle. The best part was the people. I can't say I have ever met a more likeable group of people as I did that weekend. Despite the age of communication we live in, I only  keep in touch with one. I wondered how he was doing. He's doing well and has had a good year. I told him I had too and we sent each other some messages about what we'd both been up to. He's done some holidaying, he's met some great people, he's loving his job still and so am I. We've both been a bit slack on the meditation front! When I finished talking about what I'd been doing and what was in the pipeline for the future, including my 101 list, I signed off,
"We'll see"..... and I really meant it. I am not worried about what lies ahead and whatever is meant for me will not pass me by. I have to just settle in and enjoy the journey there.

Bridget Bread

 In my last week at work, we had a tea party at school which was entirely catered for by the children. Each class prepared something different. For one class it was sandwiches. As staff we had to go and get everything for our mass catering session. Two of us doing the catering, live alone. We have no idea how much a bog standard sliced loaf is. Not because we don't eat bread, but because we buy Bridget Bread.
Bridget Bread is those small 3/4 size loaves for those who live alone. Even with this size loaf, I inevitably end up giving a fair bit to the pigeons.
Shopping and queueing up at the checkouts at the supermarket is a revealing thing. You can make a lot of observations about someone by what's in their trolley/basket. Tesco could learn a lot from me. I think I make better jugdements than they do. For a while, they assumed I had become a parent and sent me all manner of things about babies and becoming a parent. They had based this assumption on the fact that I purchase Baby Wipes. I buy them because they are an all purpose wonder tool. They clean my face, my hands after I fill my tyres with air, spillages of nail polish...they are indispensable. Whoever at Tesco decides you have had a baby because you have purchased Baby Wipes is an idiot.
"YES, everything I need for my helpless infant is here in this moist wipe. I have no need for nappies, food, lotion, cotton wool etc etc. It is all here in this wonder wipe!" 
However, I am obviously a singleton. I buy Bridget Bread, I buy a 2pt bottle of semi skimmed milk, and apart from cake ingredients, I rarely buy food which I will have to prepare from scratch. I cannot see the point, and neither do I have the time to slave over a meal for an hour just for me. Unlike the L'oreal advert...It's not worth it.
More revealing about my home status is the fact that I never take advantage of any fresh ingredient BOGOF offers. I would end up binning it. I do the frozen or cupboard ones, but not fruit, veg, chiller cabinet or the like. Why do they never offer me BOGOF make up or CD's?
I went around to my neighbour's house yesterday. She had taken in a dress for me which I bought some years ago, wore to a wedding, then lost a stone so it fell down every time I tried it afterwards. I stayed for a cup of tea. They have two types of milk- she likes full fat, him semi skimmed. They talked to me about the garden and the fact that the hedgehog family are enjoying the slugs which in turn are enjoying the plants. She has suggested slug pellets, but he refuses to kill anything in the garden.
I never argue over my Bridget Bread.

Random Objects

 I lost £5 the other day. This never happens to me and it irritated me beyond all reason - to the point where one of my friends said she'd give me the bloody fiver.
I searched through my bag thoroughly but somewhere between the pet shop and home, it had gone. I did however discover a unique and interesting selection of objects in my bag. I challenged the others to have a more random selection than me but of course, I won hands down.
In my bag I had;

• a sock (briefly worn - just one)
• hayfever tablets
• a change of name deed
• two colours of nail polish
• a speech transcript
• a usb lead for my ipod
• a plaster

I could go on and I daresay if I went and checked the bag now it would have a whole array of more random objects than I've listed but I may appear even more of a loon.
My desk is a similar story. As I look about now there is the fairly normal pen, post it notes, calculator.... but then there is also a fir cone, more nail polish, two lots of tablets, some craft materials, leaflets about befriending, two hello kitty memory sticks, some strawberry earrings, and a spare mobile phone. This is a good day- there have been far worse days!
The letter from the local MP has now made it to the bin as I have decided I can no longer deal with the pointless battle I have with him over his prehistoric views.

I strive to be tidy and organised both at home and at work. I fail. I have too much stuff. Too much clutter and too many treasures. Maybe I should take inspiration from some of the people I've worked with over the last ten years. Firstly there was Chris. She put all her 'this is beyond disgusting and I will not afford it houseroom' gifts from children at the end of term on a special shelf in the classroom which she had labelled the Treasure Shelf. This means she never gives them houseroom, but shows the children the value of their treasures by having them on permanent display. Genius!

Then there is my current boss. I have been to her home twice and last time I was there, I was shown the now famous antique post sorting cabinet. It has its many sections and these are carefully labelled with each letter of the alphabet. Then all the toot is filed thus- sellotape under s, with string, superglue and scissors, blu tac under b with buttons and batteries etc, p is for pens, pencils and paper.... you get the picture. It is always a talking point, it sorts the clutter and everyone knows where to find all the stuff!

Today is the last day of term. I bid my boss goodbye after seven very happy years working for her and I'm more than a bit devastated. Up until our final gathering at half two, we shall all be having a tidy up. I wonder how far I'll get. At the last supper last night, we talked about how one of us at the table thinks drapes are the solution to all ills. "Cover it with a drape, no one will see", and how that by next parents evening, a new drape is needed. Before long it can become something that Tony Robinson and the Time Team can come and excavate. At our place of work, the other place is under the staffroom table which drives our finance lady  nearly to tears. She drew the line at many, many pots of mud from the layers of soil dug up during the building project and consigned these to the final resting place at school- the shed.

My own place is the spare room. Challenge me...ask if I have a bauble, pop up puppet theatre, Fisher Price record player, board game, boxing gloves?....
They are all here.

Feeling Fabulous

 I have a close friend's wedding to attend in just under two weeks time. She is a very pretty girl and has been preparing for this day for three years. I do not wish to feel like Shrek next to her so I am going all out to look and feel fabulous.
Firstly, I did cave and bought a dress from Coast. It is not the pretty coffee coloured one I posted on here, but is a body-con bright red Jessica Rabbit number. No missing me then.
Then I tried many pairs of shoes I already own with the dress and discovered none were acceptable and that new shoes must be sought. Fortunately Vivienne Westwood had designed the perfect pair, so they are now mine too. It troubles me slightly that the same design has been seen on Katy Perry's and Pamela Anderson's feet. I was more relaxed when I saw Leona Lewis wearing a pair as she does not have the same slightly promiscuous reputation.

It then occured to me that I will not want bad roots showing, so I booked myself a hair dyeing appointment. At the same time, I thought, maybe I should not have GHD straightened hair as is always my look, and as I am incapable of doing up my own hair, I've booked in to have this done too. I have selected a picture of Heidi Klum's updo and shall expect to leave the salon looking just like her.
Then, over the last few weeks, we have had some gloriously sunny weather and I have caught the sun on my face and shoulders but my legs are still frighteningly white. This will never do, so when my sister talked of the Fake Bake spray tan at her spa, and the family discount I would receive, it seemed foolish not to book in for one. Whilst looking at the spa brochure, it also occured to me that it would be rather nice to have a pedicure, even though you will not see my feet. But why have a pedicure without a manicure? So I have this booked too.
Like a fool, I then realised THERE IS NO BAG. What to do? It must be gold and heart shaped. I have now rectified this but have been slightly more sensible and got this from Ebay. 
I am now on a severely low food shopping budget in order that I look fabulous and do not get into a fight with the bank. Priorities.
I have upped my fitness regime and ran my best time this week. I went swimming this week and ran twice.
I hope none of my other friends plan to get married any time soon. I will need to sell a kidney.

Reining in the crazy

 I cannot hide the crazy from the people I am most comfortable with. Friends I have lived with over the years are aware of the crazy. My family definitely are.
From the rest of the world, I try to keep it hidden. Doesn't always work. I write this blog for a start.
I think the crazy helps me to be good at my job. I am certainly in touch with my 'inner child'.

My sister is often horrified at my lack of shame. She would, I think, prefer me not to dance on the pavement outside her home. There are times my mother would prefer me not to sing 'The Kitty Tea Song' to her elderly cats let them know it is 6pm and their meal is about to be served. They are 16 and 17 year old and know this song so well, they will come running even at their advanced years, at the first few notes of my song.

I sing to magpies. I always did the 'Hello Mr Magpie' but my brother said that I said it such a way as the magpie would know I was not genuinely enquiring about his wellbeing as I sounded so disinterested. Now I have a tune.
Recently I was out with someone who I don't know that well and accidentally started to sing one of my many songs. Then it's out there and you cannot undo the crazy. You just have to hope the person will accept it as part of you and not offer you a nice white jacket which does up at the back. There are times when I know I should rein in the crazy and pretend I am sane and that I come from a sane family (my brother in law sings a lovely song about his cat's washing habits). There are other times I forget to.

I add an s onto the end of any silly, affectionate name I have for my cat or dog. Little Mans, Stink Dogs etc. I have large wooden letters on display as you would for your child, but mine spell out the names of my cat and dog.

When I go shopping, I will run and skid with the trolley every time, without fail.
I cartwheel and am proud that I can do it so well at my age.
I paint my nails all colours of the rainbow and sometimes each one a different colour.
I have a vast collection of Hello Kitty kitsch which is the envy of the seven year old girls in my class.
I wore fairy wings to work on my 30th birthday.
I co-invented Fakemas - and Snowga but then was devastated that some git in Canada had already used this name!

I could go on but I think I have probably shared enough of the crazy.
In our daily lives we are many things to many people. I am daughter, sister, teacher, colleague, friend, professional. We are good at keeping people in boxes and knowing how far our boundaries stretch with different groups. Sometimes, we lapse and let someone from the wrong group see the wrong side of us. It is important to judge when you can let go and be a little nuts, and when you should really rein in the crazy.

Tradition

 I have to make a public speech next Thursday. Well, two actually.

One of them is about the Pupil of the Year. This will be fine. I did it last year and managed to make the audience cry with my touching words. Now I feel a bit like Monica in that episode of Friends. I've done it once, I must make them weep again.
The second speech is for my boss who retires this year. This is the real test. I have written it and will run it by some trusted people before I go public with it. However, reading and writing it have left me feeling awfully sad about some of the traditions we have had over the years. I hope very much they will continue.

It has been a tradition to do a Secret Santa at Christmas with a raffle to win the weird and wonderful things my boss has found on her shopping trips. One Valentine's Day she got the staff socks with hearts on.
Then there is the Maypole Dancing and Morris Dancing, made up songs, eccentric sports.... the list could go on forever but I won't retype my speech!
As a staff we are all hoping our twee and silly traditions won't become a thing of the past. They give our school its unique character.

So then I started thinking about other traditions. In our family we have many. Some I love, some not so much.
I love our annual trip to the sea for the dog's birthday, followed by shepherds pie made just for them. I love the Halloween trip, the crazed look in my mum's face as she collects together the wood/paper/anything that might vaguely burn for our bonfire party.
I don't love the stuffing jokes made at my expense at the Christmas dinner table;
"Camellia likes a good stuffing"
"I hope you've had planty of stuffing Camellia"
My brother in law TEXTED a joke last Christmas. I could do without this particular tradition.
Other silly ones include seasonal names for our family cat. We call him 'Cakes'. I can't even remember why - but he's a very plump and cuddly cat. At Christmas he is Christmas Cakes, then throughout the year; Birthday Cakes, Easter Cakes....you get the idea.

There is some indication that things will be very different at work in September under the new regime. We will be hoping very much that our traditions are upheld. There will be trouble if they are not!

25 Things About Me

 I have taken this post directly from my FB site. Currently I am totally bogged down with end of term stuff and the many functions and responsibilities I have before my boss retires in just over a week. It's an emotional time. I have taken on a lot of extra work, so for today- I'm recycling.

1) I have drunk a mug of chocolate Nesquik nearly every day for the last 14 years.
2) I once won a competition on the radio for the fact that I only buy cheese if the price ends in 5 or 0.
3) I clean my ears to a silly degree and have given myself ear infections.
4) I have some of the same friends I have had since I was 9.
5) I once convinced a lot of people at school that the yellow haired old man supply was a friend's Grandad. She didn't laugh as much as me.
6) A fat man once sat on my hand and broke 2 of my fingers at center parcs. It did get me out of all cross country sessions!
7) My only Valentine card was from an elderly dog this year.
8) I am very untidy.
9) I have a horrible singing voice but have to sing a lot at work.
10) I love my job.
11) I can learn 30 children's names in half an hour..try me!
12) When I sneeze, I always get goosebumps.
13) I have been a vegetarian since I was 13 except from the time at a Girl Guide event when I forgot and ate a sausage roll.
14) I swam by a barracuda on holiday in the Maldives...it was massive and a bit terrifying.
15) I hated P.E, Maths and ICT at school. Now I am responsible for them in my job and have grown to love them.
16) I am very close to my brother and sisters. A friend of ours said they would "do the set".
17) When I taught Italian twins, the only words I learnt were Polar Bear and starfish.
18) I nearly lost the end of my left middle finger when I was very little. You can still see the stitch marks.
19) Barry Manilow's Copacobana is one of my all time favourite songs.
20) My cat Frodo has his own Facebook page.
21) I cry at E.T, Gladiator and Awakenings...other films leave me cold.
22) Me and my sister laughed until our sides hurt once when we watched our Grandma picking baked beans off the grass....we told her my dad didn't like them on the grass because birds don't eat them.
23) I am scared of caterpillars and slugs make me gag.
24) I once tried to bleach my hair and it was white yellow at the top and orange at the bottom. I was then followed by a man in a posh car who tried to proposition me.
25) I always sing to magpies to wish away their bad luck.

Love

I'm reading 59 Seconds at the moment. I'm not reading it avidly because it's not that sort of a book, but I am paying interest to it. I read a chapter about love the other day and whether you can 'manufacture' it. Interesting reading. Apparently if you look deeply into the eyes of someone else, the sort of feelings you get when you do so with the person you love, can be recreated.
Worrying! Makes me think I should wear my sunglasses more frequently.

Today I was asked about a boyfriend of mine from the very distant past. I was asked what had ever possessed me. I replied that I'd been young and that it didn't matter anyway because I hadn't been in love with him anyway. No harm done.

In a conversation I had with someone last month, I said that I thought you (and I can only account for myself on this one) only know if you were in love afterwards. In reflection.
I can say this as a singleton, someone for whom love has not yet worked out, it's easy for me to reflect.
I think I've been in love twice. Genuinely in love.
The first time I was terribly happy and thought the world of my boyfriend. He was, and still is very clever, funny and always made time for me. When we split up it took me over two years to bounce back from it. Shockingly sad but true. It didn't help that I had to live with him.
The second time I fell in love, I married him and was not happy very much of the time but I let so much go; so many things I was unhappy or uncomfortable with, because I loved him. I cannot say what it was he felt for me. I don't think it was a healthy relationship for either of us.
Anything else I have been involved in has either never amounted to love or has been infatuation. It's easy to see after the event, but at the time, you can be convinced otherwise.

I'm always puzzled by people who seem to jump from one relationship to the next. Particularly those who get involved seriously very quickly. This is alien to me. I cannot get my head around it because it's the opposite of what I do. The person who asked me about this long time ago boyfriend, is unhappy being alone. He has been alone since the beginning of the year and hates it.
I am quite sure he did not want to hear my 'you need to be happy alone first'. But it is true. It took me a long time to reach this point, but I am there. It is a nice place to be.

I also had the 'soulmates' conversation a while back too. I think I know one couple who I truly believe are soulmates. I don't think they could function without the other one. They have been together for over 35 years and are still crazy for each other. Impressive. I'm not sure I believe in soulmates for everyone. If you've found yours, then I am delighted for you and well done. Love is a minefield and I don't have a good track record in this particular minefield. I wear heavy boots and tread in the wrong places.

I leave you with this quote which is apparently taken from Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."