Parents Evening

There are a couple of times in the school year that I do not relish in any way. They are, report writing time and parents evening. My workload goes throught the roof for the reports and when it comes to parents evening, there is the worry that you will be criticised or that you do all the talking for ten minutes to a stony faced parent.

I am quite cool under pressure and even though I have had this, I don't let parents know I am anything other than cool as a cucumber. In my first post, I had a particularly aggressive parent come to see me who refused to sit down and was not in any way friendly. I got through this unscathed.

Then there are the parents who look at you as if to say- "who is this child of which you speak?" Mostly because they are angels at school, and total monsters at home. Sometimes though, a parent will try and convince you that the rude, obnoxious child you describe in terms of 'not putting in enough effort, does not write ANYTHING, will NOT read, does not know how to speak to peers and adults...' is in fact reading War and Peace at home, has just collected second Nobel prize and is collaborating with Stephen Hawking on his next book.
Fine, have it your way.

Then there is the time-keeping. I am absolutely HOPELESS at keeping to the ten minute slot. By the end of the night I am running over half an hour late and that is with a planned break for catching up.

At the end of it all, you are inevitably left with the feeling you should be doing more. This is the nature of the job. Nothing is EVER good enough, whether it comes from parents or yourself.

Still, all over for another year. Reports are next, but I do not have to be there when they are opened.

The Joy of Dogs

I collected my dog this evening, in bi-weekly excruciating handover. He looked shiny, fluffy and smelled like fruit. He had had a bath. Instantly I was relieved that this job is not mine. He is impossible to bath single handed, needing one person to restrain him in the tub, and the other to shampoo and rinse. He is a large and very strong dog.
We got back from our walk, and when I put him in the car, there was a very unpleasant smell of manure. I hoped, perhaps a little desperately, that it was merely on his paws. Of course it wasn't.

He will find filth and muck wherever he goes. He detests the smelling clean and will try very hard to replace the smell of flowers/fruit/baby powder and all other fragrances I have inflicted on him over the years, with compost/manure/anything less appealing to the human nose.

I adore him. He just has the biggest personality. He is so ludicrously stubborn that when he will not get in the car, I have to pretend I plan to leave without him. He will then get in. I am however, less inclined to do this after so long apart from him.

He will run and lick the television at the mention of the word 'rabbits' though he has no desire to kill one.
As a puppy, he was fixated by a particularly nauseating downloadable tv ringtone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrC2774U2p0&feature=related
Over 5 years, it has been a level crossing advert featuring rabbits
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGXsS0_FITc,
the intro to N.E.R.D's She Wants To Move and various other things including mirror reflections.

His other speciality is having to have the last word. He will growl and bark at passers by in the middle of the night, which makes me feel protected, but also wakes me somewhat abruptly from sleep. I ask him to be quiet, he will grumble, so I call his name again and say shushhhh and he will grumble again, but quieter this time.
This will go on for as long as I call to him. He MUST have the last word.

A couple of years ago, he had a disagreement with a swan. Evidently the swan felt he was too close to her cygnets, and attacked him, which was terrifying. Luckily some brave young man sent the swan packing and my dog was fine. However, he has never forgotten this incident and when some months later, I took him for a swim at the river, I threw his toy into the water for him to fetch as water fetch is one of his FAVOURITE things to do, and he flat refused. It was 'in the vicinity of his attack'. I had to ask a fisherman to retrieve the toy with a net.

In his very young days, he had a puppy pen to keep him out of mischief when he could not be supervised. The pen began at about 1metre high but soon needed to be stronger and  taller, and for some weeks, it looked as though we were keeping lions at home.

He proudly destroyed a Bonsai tree, hair straighteners, peeled wallpaper of the wall, took glee in stealing socks and escaping from anything we constructed, even if it meant a long swim across a pond. Villagers would return him to us when they found themselves accompanied on their walk by our very sociable puppy.

He snores, inhales his food and then burps, passes wind loudly and looks horrified at his own back end when he has done so. He sleeps on his back with all four feet in the air and leaving nothing to the imagination. He runs away at the sight of his brush and will eat his feline friend's food as soon as my back is turned.

I cannot express how much I have missed him. As I write this he is snoring loudly on my bed.
This weekend I look forward to taking him to his favourite places.....and the fun I will have on Sunday when I will doubtless be bathing him again.

101 Goals

I was given a copy of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne et al for Christmas 2008 by someone who needed to absorb the book's message a lot more than I did. However, absorb it I did, and in fact went on to read The Key to Living the Law of Attraction (or A Total Muppet's Guide To Putting All That Stuff From The Secret Into Practice By Making A Lot Of Lists) by Jack Canfield.
Clearly I made a lot of lists.

One of my lists was 101 Goals for Life and I have made reference to it before. These goals can be as big or small as you like and are supposed to be visited regularly in order to ensure you are focused on them, which in turn, encourages The Universe to work towards your wishes too.
I don't look at my list as much as I should but there are now 11 ticked off and others are beginning to happen. They vary enormously from wanting to have longer thicker hair; by means of miracle or ludicrously expensive extensions, to wanting to be able to pay off mortgages for my family.

I have numbers 4, 10, 19, 31, 44, 46, 51, 55, 67, 90 and 91 ticked.
They have involved tidiness, travel, pets, pampering and reading amongst others.
Others are going to require me having lots of money. Huvafen Fushi here I come http://huvafenfushi.peraquum.com/, and New Zealand, the Auroa Borealis and for a bit less money.....the Chocolate Room at the Pudding Club's Hotel http://www.threewayshousehotel.com/pc_rooms.html

Some goals are going to require me overcoming my horse allergy and my total inability to cope with even the gentlest waves on a boat.

Anyway, The Universe will conspire to make them happen I am sure. Just a few months ago I would not have thought number 9 was possible, yet it is in the pipeline and I hope 85 and 86 as well.

One I have failed. I did not purchase anything from Tiffany and Co. by the end of last year and so this will have to roll on.
And one of my goals was not a SMART goal and needs rethinking....always having something to look forward to is never something I will be able to tick as DONE.
Having goals is something I am good at. I will make it a goal to look at the list more often.

Evaluation

I am asked to evaluate in my job on a daily basis, as many people are. I have to assess, refine, review, etc. Sometimes I get to go on a course where I am told how to be better at my job.
Today I went on a course. The highlight of the day was the journey there and back which would normally be all about panicking that I won't arrive on time and won't find the venue. I had sat-nav today. What bliss. No panic, no responsibility.
The course was mostly as dull and predictable as I had expected. It was run by someone who I think has his head up his own backside. Someone who thinks their message, and only their message has any place.
We were of course asked to fill in an evaluation sheet. I will summarise this man's crimes for you;

• very cheap pin-stripe suit
• spiked gelled hair (he is in his late 40's)
• instructing his audience to 'think about that silently for a minute'
• spending break times eavesdropping conversations so that he may come back and share quotes he has eavesdropped about the course from a post it note
• writing down 10 words that begin with E that described the demonstration we saw; energy, enjoyment, enthusiasm...etc etc
• telling the audience how much he enjoys coming and working with us in our own establishments (if he only knew what we think of him in my establishment)
• reading his own slides to us
• saying; write down 5 things you notice about this

I won't go on. Some people may like his brand of self-satisfied presentation. I do not. All the day he reminded us we must fill in our evaluation sheet. I have.
Usually I don't like to put my name to these sheets - and have been told off for refusing to do so before. Today I did. I have remarked that I dislike the 'you sit and think about that' style of presentation.
I hope he reads it. He assures us the evaluation forms are used to improve courses.
Perhaps I should have mentioned the cheap suit too?

Creatures of habit

This evening it is swimming night for me. I go every week, at the same time on the same day and have done for over a year. When I get there, I will park in the same spot, or thereabouts and I will use locker number 31 as I always do and I will be quite distressed if the key is missing.
At work, I park in the same spot, I will tell visitors that nobody is precious about their tea mug and then I will find my mug, which I had specially made and nobody else is allowed to drink from.
I will begin tomorrow with a chocolate milkshake as I have done day in, day out for well over a decade.

Clearly a lot of the above borders on OCD and I have more than a light touch of that too. I will not tell you about my one time cheese price problem, or my need for cotton buds wherever I am.
I am not yet David Mitchell-esque with his alarm clock routine, but I'm getting there!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9vhfvthI2k&feature=related (the clip is about 2 minutes in)

I crave excitiement and adventure. I have written myself a list of 101 goals and have said many times in the last few months that I am bored with a lot of my life, yet I am horridly stuck in this habitual routine.
On the plus side I have ticked off 11 of these goals.............only 90 to go - (and a lottery win to make a lot of the rest happen).
Maybe I just need to shake it up a bit. Someone suggested something to me today which normally I would run a mile from...maybe I should give it a go?
Or perhaps when I go swimming next I will go for a totally different number, or try strawberry milkshake instead. - But I probably won't.

Socks

Today I intend to look at one of life's great mysteries. My life's great mysteries.

Why does the phone always ring when I have just gone to the bathroom?
Why do I buy endless teaspoons and never have ANY?
How does my dog manage to find stagnant water wherever we go?
Why does it always rain on the days I have planned outdoor activities?
Why am I incapable of returning any CD's to their cases?
Why do I own approximately 100 socks and yet can never find a matching pair?

I am predominantly interested in the final question. I live alone. I have my washing to do and mine alone. There are only a small number of categories I tend to divide my washing into;

• darks
• lights
• towels
• delicates

Socks fall into either light or dark.
I have a tumble dryer.
There is approximately 50cm between the door of the washing machine and the door of the tumble dryer.
Where is this Bermuda Triangle where my socks go?
I have lived in my current home for over 4 years. In that time, there has been a permanent washing basket under my bed full of odd socks. It is also home to the occasional glove or washable belt from a dress - but mostly socks.
It would be nice if this basket did not become my albatross, but I suspect it will.
I made it a goal last year to be more tidy at work and at home and I have achieved this goal. However, I will procrastinate with the best of them when it comes to pairing socks.
What I should do is buy many, many pairs of one-colour-plain socks. But I do not. I am my own worst enemy.
Because I have half size feet, (and by this I mean size 5 1/2 and not that I have disproportionately sized elf feet) I tend to wear 2 pairs of socks every day in order that my shoes fit properly.
The Winter requires a large number of socks. This week I don't think I have had a single matching sock in the four I have worn each day. (In the Summer I rejoice in the non-wearing of socks.)
I have just put my weekend dark wash on. In there were approx 25 socks.
I doubt when they are dry, I will find a single pair.

Fiat justitia ruat caelum

Let justice be done though the heavens may fall.....

Today I did not quite get the outcome I had hoped for.
Neither did the other party.
We will both go away somewhat disappointed, particularly him as he has lost whilst I have gained.
It also means we must remain in each other's lives which neither of us wanted.
However, justice was done and there was a winner. The winner was our dog. He will now get the best of both worlds and he will see all of his extended pack on a regular basis.
He will have the attention he deserves and love from us both.
In the end, there was no choice about what would be done, we had to come to this agreement or both lose out. Selling our dog is not an option.
The Judge was very clever and made it so that we had no choice and that the winner was not either the claimant or defendent, but the 'chattel'.
I am also relieved that I turned down a job offer last month that I would now be unable to fulfill.
Omnia causa fiunt.
So now I look forward to becoming acquainted with my wonderful dog again and wonder what opportunities life has for me around the corner.

btw I have mailed back to the recipient of email, explaining that neither scenario a or b has arisen and that it is scenario c.

Erase and Rewind

I have just done something stupid. 'Oooooh that's new' - says everyone who knows me.
In my quest to stay ahead of the game, I have a back up plan for most eventualities. I had drafted (please note word drafted) an email to someone and put in 5 attachments. I was planning to send this should scenario b (not at all wanted) occur tomorrow.
Instead of attaching final document, I pressed send.

The email has no subject, has no explanatory note, just 5 unexplained attachments.
Wonderful. This will create just the sort of impression I want.
As I realised I had pressed send, panic swept through me like a hot wave and I clutched my head whilst desperately looking for an undo/erase/NO NOT THAT! button.
There is not one. Simply a box to say, message sent  - OK?
No it's not ok..I look like a moron.
I am a moron.
In desperation I called my sister who suggested recalling email. Of course Yahoo does not have this feature.
Now I either have to pretend it did not happen or send some kind of explanatory note as to why I have sent so many documents to someone I met once, briefly, at the end of January.
I have to hope to God now that the recipient does not see it before I:
 a)  can write a note to explain moment of insanity - or
 b) send it again with covering letter.
Either way, it was never meant to go today.
Lesson learned - do not add recipient to draft emails.

19.2.10 -
This morning I have woken up to find that , yes, of course the recipient has found the email.
He has responded in a very polite but justifiably confused manner.
It is positive though and does not suggest he thinks I am a moron.

P.E

At the moment, I am not teaching any P.E. I don't mind this too much as it is something I hated when I was at school. It lost all of it's appeal after primary school. In those days, I would pretend I had forgotten my P.E kit, in order that I would have to do P.E in my Wonder Woman knickers and vest.
Yes, sad but true. It was all music and movement and I remember it being a lovely time.
At the next school however, this changed. Suddenly P.E became something that was about competition and for me, failure. I am not sporty in the least. I swim once a week.I will always remember being reduced to tears in front of a whole class at 13 by a teacher who told me I hadn't even tried to do well at netball. In truth, I had tried and tried and tried but no one ever passed to me because I was rubbish.
Anyway, though still bearing scars from this, I endeavour to make P.E fun for all on those occasions I do teach it.
Currently we have a coach teaching one session a week, and though I can see she knows her stuff, she has no idea about keeping a class of children engaged or active. I seem to spend my time asking them to listen and stop messing about, but they are bored and I don't blame them. I honestly think I do a better job.
The same thing happened with a gym coach, who would ask the children to walk on their toes round 4 mats for a lot of the time and week in, week out, get them to perform certain static balances. All the children wanted to know was when the climbing frame was coming out and who can blame them, it was the highlight of gym for me at school.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this but it seems to me that if we want to inspire a love of physical activity in young people, in order that they want to continue to stay fit and active into adulthood, it must be enjoyable. If we cannot get it right at primary age, there is something very wrong.

Ring-Tailed Lemurs and Emperor Tamarins

I have nothing against ring-tailed lemurs, or in fact emperor tamarins. I am sure they are lovely.
What I question, is how efficiently they would run, for instance; a utilities company, or a bank, or a university administration office or ...let's say, a county court.
I think it doubtful they would run any of the above well. And hence, whenever I receive incompetent service, this is my comparison.
Today I have been at one of the above establishments. Having sent in the requisite paperwork some weeks ago, I was more than a little dismayed to see it had not got to its final destination. This was apparently my fault despite the fact that that was where I had been asked to send it, had addressed it with final destination and rung establishment in following days to ensure they had received it.
I am more than a little bit miffed.

I now have to return later this week to do something I had hoped would be over today (having already waited 6 months).
I know I am not the only one who finds such incompetence irritating in the extreme, but in my field, I would be hauled over the coals by my line manager, customers (of sorts) and outside inspection teams.

Recently I had a disagreement with my bank, who had issued me a replacement card but cancelled my old card days before the new one was due to arrive. When I rang to top up my phone with credit for my weekend away, it was refused. Odd, I thought - I have just been paid. I rang my bank who informed me my card had been cancelled- a new one had been dispatched. I had a bill to pay and was now facing a weekend away without money. IDEAL. The bank helpfully said I could come in with my passport and withdraw cash until new card arrived which meant no leaving work early for nice weekend and instead, trip home for passport and then to bank....and 1 hour in rush hour traffic across notorious junction.

In the same way, at University I eventually gave up trying to locate my dissertation which had received a First and had been sent away for moderation. I became tired of wandering from one office filled with tamarins to the next, no one knowing where I might find the work I had toiled over for weeks. I still do not have it, but I know I did well.

I wonder if the monkey and lemur above might have looked after my work better?

Dreams

I just got off the phone to my sister. We were laughing about something and I sang a line from a Prince record; "Could she be, the most beautiful girl in the world?" etc

Instantly my dream was broken and I remembered having dreamed of Prince, which is a little disturbing as I neither listen to his records or find him anything other than physically repulsive.

In my dream I was apparently quite friendly with Prince, who seemed nicer than I imagine him to be 'in real life'.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my dreams generally. Often I cannot remember them.

Sometimes they are great and good things happen...or are about to happen and then I wake up.

Sometimes I dream about someone and wake up a little bit in love with them. This happens to me a lot.

Even though you don't know me, I am not going to share these sleep crushes with you.

However, I will say that following one such dream, I began scouring the TV listings for opportunities to get my fix of a certain charismatic TV chef.

Yes, another sad but true moment.

But I am SO over you now Marco.

I never buy into any of that stuff about symbolism in dreams. I can pretty much see where MOST of my dreams come from. Don't ask me why Prince - it is still a little disturbing to me.

For instance, I dreamed I was doing a course recently. My sister has begun a course and is working VERY hard and achieving excellent results. Though in my sleep I had chosen a subject I know nothing of, or have any interest in (or had done any work for in my dream)- I can see where it came from.

I dream a LOT about fish. I don't believe this is because of any symbolism and I won't insult your intelligence by telling you what symbolic meaning fish have.

It's because I long to go back to the Maldives where I was 2 years ago today. I love it there. I would pretty much sell my own Gran to go back. - hence the profile pic. (not of me selling my Gran)

Sometimes your dreams will be cruel and do unkind things to you; like make you naked and have nothing but bin bags to wear...or the only toilet you can find has no door/glass door etc. Yes, I know it's so I don't wet the bed...

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'd like to spend tonight swimming with fish or with Sam Worthington and not studying for a Sports Science degree.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere." Glenn Turner

I wish my brain would understand the above concept.

At the end of 2008 I lost over a stone in weight. Not through any diet or exercise plan, but simply from worry. Now that those particular worries are dead and gone, the weight has stayed off....

How? I worry about that too!

I am one of life's worriers. I worry constantly about things that are beyond my control. People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross. ~Author Unknown

I worry about things that I should not worry about.

For instance, somebody I know posted something stupid and insensitive AGAIN on my Facebook page as they have done so many times before and to many people. Someone else who is a friend of mine, but not theirs, wrote in no uncertain terms, that the author of said comment was lacking in brain cells.

I felt bad about this. I worried about it. I worried about it to the point that I removed the offending comment. Not the original one, the reaction in my defence.

I worry about leaving my hair straighteners on, my plug sockets, my cat, the fact that my landlord does not know I have a cat, my workload, my family, my friends, my car....... etc etc.

Mostly I worry about whether I have upset people I care about.

All these things go totally against the whole idea which Rhonda Byrne, Jack Canfield, Anthony Robbins, John Assaraf etc have made a fortune from.

What you think about, you bring about.

I have read all manner of book on this subject, made Danny Wallace my idol, dabbled in Buddhism- LIVE IN THE NOW!, but do I learn? Quite simply no.

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. ~E. Joseph Cossman

This week I am trying VERY hard to stay focussed and positive.

Worry will not help me.

Tomorrow I am going for a one hour facial, an aromatherapy one. I did not choose a massage as last time I had one, my therapist practically had to use a toffee hammer to work out all the tension and I yelped in pain.

I like this quote, it says it beautifully and I will endeavour to embrace it! :

That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. ~Chinese Proverb

“The time has come”, the walrus said, “to talk of many things,”

“The time has come”, the walrus said, “to talk of many things..” Lewis Carroll http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/walrus.html

I used this quote recently – or made reference to it and decided to have a look at the walrus.
What a sad thing to do, you might think.
Yes, it is. But I was procrastinating and I’m very good at that when there is something I don’t want to do.
I used to have a ‘procrastination-pot’ for someone I knew, and every time they began procrastinating, they had to put a marble in it, and repay 1 minute per marble at the end of the day.
If I had a pot, it would be overflowing.
Yesterday I put off; writing a document, cooking, vacuuming, filing, hanging up my clothes etc etc.
I don’t want you to think I am lazy, quite the opposite. I am a worker and when my heart is into something, I work like a Trojan.
The document is proving hard because my heart is in it more than I can say, but it is hard emotionally.
To give you an idea about where my brain is, I sent an email asking for people to comment on my attachment and then failed to attach it.

So, because I KNOW you are interested; here are some walrus facts;

A walrus can live for up to 40 years. A walrus can weigh up to 1.5 tons. Both male and female walruses have tusks.The Latin for Walrus is odobenus rosmarus and it means - tooth walking sea horse. Walruses can reach lengths of up to 3.5m. Every two or three years in May or June, the cow will give birth to a single calf
The calf will be able to swim at birth and be about 1.2m. Aside from man, their only enemies are orca whales and polar bears. Walruses are endangered. They sound like a beach ball - if you don’t believe me, listen to this audio; http://animals.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/walrus/

Kung Hei Fat Choy

Hooray - it is Chinese New Year. 2010 is the year of the Tiger. I'm sure it's going to be a great year. I am so excited by this that any other celebrations that may be happening today have passed me by.
I don't have anything against Valentine's Day really - it's just for me, it has never been a day of spoiling.
I have never had the flowers, dinners out, and other gestures.
For me, Valentines Day over the years has been this;

• Buying my own card when my partner 'forgot'


• Clearing up dog diarrhoea when same partner suddenly had to rush to work


• Dinner out with my nanna and her bowling chums at a cheap pub where the only thing on the menu for me, was the worst omlette I have eaten in my entire life - (I was until that point unaware it was possible to create an omlette where main ingredient is water rather than egg)


• And today, being miaowed at by my own little tiger for breakfast, feeding him, being bitten by him and watching him leave when his tummy was full.
  

So today I say Kung Hei Fat Choy and wish you all a prosperous Chinese New Year.

Show and Tell

Every week we have 'Show and Tell'. The children love it. They get to show everyone their treasures and tell us all about their weekend. It's also a great time for me to assess speaking and listening.

Most of my children bring in the usual sort of thing, cars, teddies, dolls, stickers.

Go-go's are the latest craze.

One of my children does not fit this mould. He is unique in his choices for Show and Tell and they are always surprising.

Since the start of term he has bought in;

• radiator valves


• a light switch cover


• glow in the dark compass


• spirit level


• aeroplane engine parts


• keys


• AA membership leaflets

He also stops me from throwing ANYTHING away until he has seen it and checked to see if it might be treasure. I dread to think what his bedroom is like at home. His tray is full of pen tops, cardboard tubes, pasta shells and any number of things I did not make it to the bin with. He is also fascinated by the way things work and I have to try and explain many things to him that the other children are not concerned with.

I imagine that one day he will grow up and be a budding James Dyson. He will look at an existing product, decide it is useless and totally reinvent it.

I want it known I discovered him first!

Obligation

This evening I would rather sit at home, in front of my fire, or more likely in front of my computer screen, with a glass of wine in hand and some chocolates.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCLggnjbsqQ
However, my best friend has asked me to come over as she is in crisis.
It is of course man-related. I am now going to be spending my evening in a town I dislike, going out on a Friday night when I am shattered and sleeping in her spare room instead of my bed. Sigh.
But needs must and all; she would, and did do the same for me when I was in crisis. What I'd really like though is for her to meet someone who didn't cause her so much grief. She has children but last year took on another child in the form of this new boyfriend. I was witness to one of their rows last Saturday and was grateful for the company of another friend who I could pretend I was talking to, oblivious of their squabble.
But, because I have well and truly discovered who my real friends are in recent months, I cannot let her down.

On top of this, when I came home to pack my overnight bag, I discovered that on the last occasion I used it, I did not remove a bottle of shampoo. It has now emptied itself all over the bottom of the bag so I now have to take my small suitcase tonight and probably give the impression that I would like to move in for a few weeks.

The final reason I do not want to go out tonight is that her previous boyfriend is still in love with her, but if he cannot have her, then I will do. He comments on many of my facebook statuses (he has already done so this evening- twice) and recently sent me an entire poem in latin. Sometimes he thinks better of his comments and removes them.

He also uses LOL a lot which is unforgiveable.

Wish me luck - I am not relishing the night ahead.

Half term

Hooray - it is half term.
I need it, the children definitely need it. The last week has been hard work. They are tired and irritable and they are currently limited by the weather conditions at playtimes.
Simple tasks have proved nearly impossible, there have been tears and tantrums - mine as well as theirs!
P.E has been a riot with children forgetting various items of clothing when they line up ready, trying to wear plimsolls on the wrong feet and in some cases, two right footed shoes. One of my children realised with horror this week that he had forgotten to put on underwear at home as he got ready.
Today's lesson plans went out the window in favour of painting and model making and some role play and choosing time. To ask them to do more would have been a pointless waste of time. The highlight of the day was watching some of my older children 'teach' the younger ones how to make a lantern using an instruction leaflet they had written themselves. Their take on teaching is delightful to watch.
One of my favourite things to do is watch them and listen to them during free play times. Several of them like to pretend to be me. They sit on my chair, use my resources and have a group of children around them. I am pleased to say that they obviously don't see me as a tyrant.
My other favourite thing is to sit with them and listen to their conversations. Sometimes when they know I'm doing it and I will join in, and sometimes as a silent listener. Recently I had to stop myself laughing when one of my boys said to his table;
"Do you even know what a bra IS?", and when some did not; "It holds your mummy's boobies."
I thought it best not to let him know I had heard this.
I will miss them next week, I really will.

Fashion

I have a morbid fear of becoming one of 'those' teachers who dresses in shin length pleated skirts in floral fabric and wears K shoes.

I went through a scruffy phase a few years ago and now I look back in horror at the pictures. There was one particularly horrifying day when I had cooked fish the night before at home and came in the next day with the smell on my clothes. I am still stunned at the impregnating powers of cod. When one of the children commented; "I can smell fish", I was beyond mortified.

Nowadays I never dress down unless I am out for walks. At all other times I dress as well as I can. This includes Sunday at home on my own, when I am often to be found in dress and cinch belt and heels whilst doing my weekly plans.

I also buy into the theory that children like colour and that I am a role model of sorts. Therefore I have an ever expanding wardrobe and a growing army of small followers of my fashion. In order that I can keep up with current trends and stay within budget, I buy a weekly fashion magazine. It is total trash, I am the first to admit, but I use it purely as a point of reference for my wardrobe. When I am finished looking at the pretty pictures, I bring the old copies in to work where I will go through them with my friend and colleague and discuss the really important issues of our times, like Sophie Dahl and Jamie Cullum being married now, and look at how thin Rachel Zoe has become...etc etc.

Visitors to our place of work are always impressed with the level of high brow conversation from two educated women. We have even been known to discuss - I'm a Celebrity..... at tea break.

There are some days when my fashion choices backfire on me, for instance a couple of weeks ago when a coach was suddenly unable to run the session and I had to step in at the last minute. Knee length heeled boots are not necessarily conducive to 'High Quality P.E'. Or for rumaging in the shed for cones.

I think though on balance, I'd rather the slight discomfort and possibly short term lack of dignity than return to the scruffy fish smelling days from long ago...

The ice queen cometh...

If you came to my house you would probably draw the following conclusions about me;

• I don't like washing up


• I do like shopping


• I adore my animals


• I like 'projects'


• I am quite mad

Around my house, there are various signs and notices which are meant to help me on the path to my dreams and general happiness. There are mantras, letters with my 'cosmic requests' on them and some nice letters people have written to me. The ones that are really special, I keep to myself and these are not on public display.

The purpose is to remind me that I am a good person, that I am good at my job and that I am not the person I was told I was by an idiot for half a decade.

So anyway, I have decided I will start to believe my own hype and so I now talk about myself more positively and don't worry if people think I am insane when they come over for a cup of tea.

However, this does not help with what my best friend says is my current reason for being a Bridget Jones. Apparently I am an ice queen. I give out cold vibes. I am aloof and unapproachable. She says she can say this to me as I will love her unconditionally as her best friend for over 20 years. She is aware that I am like this because I am done with time wasters. I am done with idiots and I know what I want. (I have a list for this too) But she says others will not understand this.

I am opinionated, I am outspoken, I usually get what I want. I have been independent for a very long time. This is apparently intimidating.

So in the meantime, because I'm not lowering my standards, I will keep my snowy persona warm with all my new boots and jumper dresses, the occasional plunging of hands into washing up bowl, and my cat, who likes to sleep on my feet.

Sweet irony

We use a published scheme for maths. It is very good and the children love it. Part of the package is the interactive whiteboard resources.
Unusually today, I had not looked at it in advance, as I knew it was about graphs and pictograms.
Imagine my amusement when I clicked to the pictogram and it was;
OUR FAVOURITE DRINKS
The choices were; orange, lemon, pineapple, apple and cola.

I don't think I need tell you what I chose.

Diet Coke will rot your teeth

I am a hypocrite.
Where I work, the children are all reminded to bring a healthy snack. This has to be fruit, yogurt, or at the very least a cereal bar.
Meanwhile, I will scoff cake, biscuits and crisps.
The children are all asked to drink water and only squash at lunchtime.
I drink Diet Coke. I love the stuff, cannot get enough of it.
Today one of my five year olds asked me;
"What do you drink at home?"
"Diet Coke" I said honestly.
"It rots your teeth" she says to me confidently.
"I know, I am bad, but I like it."
"I only drink water and apple juice."
"Well, you are very sensible and I am silly", I say.
One of the other children then decides I have not been lectured extensively enough about my drinking habits;
"My mum only lets me drink coke as a treat."
"I think my mum would only let me drink it as a treat too, but I do the shopping now so I get to eat and drink whatever I like." I responded

It was a shameful response I know, but one day, they will be the same.

Coincidences

Some odd things have happened to me lately with regards to coincidences.

Firstly, I decided to start writing the book I've had on hold for the last 5 years. It's a children's book. One of my main characters is a goblin and is based on someone I know from my past. He is an odious story character.
Then out of the blue, I had a friend request from the person the character is based on. I haven't seen him in nearly a decade. That is odd. Incidentally, because I'm a forgiving sort, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he seemed like he might have grown up. I accepted the request and met him.
He is just the same.

Secondly, I went for an interview in London for an overseas job. While I was there, I decided it was not for me. Circumstances would have made it impossible to take and I left early. However, I had done enough to impress and the guy gave me his card and said to call if my circumstances changed.
Two days later, several counties away at work, I had a meeting with a very dynamic sort who had ideas I liked. He spoke about big decisions and I laughed.
"Why the laughter?" he said, "big decision of your own?"
"Yes, by today"
As the meeting progressed, I mentioned Abu Dhabi, where the job was. My Dynamic asks,
"Your interview wasn't with C-N-G was it?" (name of man, not firm)
"Yes!"
It transpires they are super chums.
Small world.
Further chatting with Mr Dynamic and I hope I have managed to impress there too for something closer to home.

Thirdly, having been inspired by Mr Dynamic, I brought up the subject of book writing with my colleague. We've been throwing this idea round for years. We're going to do it now.
In order to prepare for it, I bought a children's book; Jim and the Beanstalk by Raymond Briggs, from Amazon. When I entered it into the search, as well as that book, it pulled up on the same page, several books by three of my university lecturers, totally unrelated to 'Jim and the Beanstalk'. I have taken this as a sign that I am meant to do this book.

There have been other things in the last fortnight too, but I am not willing to share them.

The 'Universe', I have decided, is conspiring to help me achieve my goals. This is what it does apparently, and you are meant to notice the coincidences in your life.

I mention all this because next week, it is the biggest and most important day of my life so far and it has to go my way.

I think the Universe is batting for my team.

Charity

Until quite recently, I supported four charities with a monthly direct debit. It is now two charities and both of these are animal charities. With the remaining two, I feel valued but not so far as to think I am a Saint. They write to me, keep me updated and send letters of thanks when I send a lump sum.
The reason I stopped supporting the other two was because I was not happy at being rung up by a charity who never sent me any info, never thanked me etc, but who would frequently call me for more money.
One of these charities rang to say that they urgently needed my money for a campaign. They asked for an increase of £1.50 a month. I said I would rather give a lump sum now if my money was needed now.
But this was not what the call centre operative wanted. Apparently, it was better I spread it over a 12 month period than get my money working now for their 'URGENT' appeal. He was quite insistent and this annoyed me because the campaign was clearly not as 'URGENT' as I was led to believe.
I did not back down, ended the call and then cancelled my direct debit to them.
Last night a door to door caller came to my home and asked me to think about supporting this charity. It was 8:30pm and very cold. I do not envy her her job but at the same time, I thought she should know my feelings.
I'm afraid one of the major animal charities in the UK also get short shrift from me. Their TV ad campaigns are full of poor animals being rescued by the staff, but in my experience, the three times I called them, they were not at all interested in the plight of animals- one being a horse tethered to rope in the middle of a field on a very hot day with no water. This was not their problem apparently as it was a traveller horse. This makes me furious. An animal is an animal. I want to know that when I give money, they do what they say they will and look after animals.
I await to see if I am written to by the charity from last night.
And in case you think I am mean spirited etc, I increased my monthly direct debits to the charities I do support so that I still pay out the same.

Common sense and sisterhood

This week I am a bit narked.
One of my friends has been grossly insensitive. I finalised my divorce in November and another of our friends is going through a tricky divorce still. Therefore, neither of us were pleased to receive an email inviting us to buy Wedding products from our friend.
Know your friends, know your audience.
Rather than randomly send the email to all and sundry on your list, take the time to think;

• is this the right way to get business?


• are any of these people getting married?


• are they likely to get married again?


• if they do get married again, are they likely to use my services when I am so grossly insensitive?

There, venting done.

Point made I hope.

Data handling

We have been data handling this week. Amongst finding out our shoe size, eye colour, letters in our names etc, we have also discovered the following;

• some of us cannot work collaboratively


• some of us will put the information somewhere, anywhere, as long as we can be finished first


• many of us feel it unnecessary to use a ruler to draw a straight line with, despite constant reminders
  
• all of us would enjoy the work more if Smarties were involved
  
  
  

Say what you mean.

Another lesson I have learned is to say exactly what I mean and leave no room for misinterpretation.
Long ago, I learned not to ask "Would you like to come and read to me?"
The answer will of course be no.
I now say, "It is your turn to read."

I work with people who are also adept at this. When a child locked a toilet door from the inside, we knew who had done it, just not how. Rather than ask them 'if' they had done it, my colleague said;
"Did you go over the top, or underneath?"
We had found our culprit.

What will happen?

Because I have been in my field for 10 years, I tend to know what works and what doesn't work with types of children. Some children will always test the boundaries, causing upset to others. Therefore, I developed the 'What will happen?' chain.
It's a flow chart. At the top goes the action which has caused upset, and then we break down the consequences. At the bottom the final consequence is always 'I am sad'.

For instance -

Making sick noises in the dinner queue in front of the cook and other children.
What will happen?
I will be asked to sit at the cutlery table
What will happen?
I will be on my own.
What will happen?
I will be sad.

You get the picture.

Eventually, it is my belief that the message will hit home.
I live in constant hope.

A few classics

I wish I had written every funny quote down, or had a tape recorder to hand. Often, with my colleagues, we have a quote of the day competition. This is either to see who has the funniest quote, or if we can guess who said it. Anyway, these are some of the funnier ones from my career;

B asks me a question about history - and she is asking about millions of years ago.
Me- Oh, millions of years ago. Before even dinosaurs walked the earth.
B- Was Mrs G alive then?
Me- No. (But secretly wanting to say yes)

G- I've finished.
Me- Well we have 5 mins left til I stop eveyone. You can either spend that five minutes improving your work, or just sit there.
G- I'll just sit there.
Me- wrong answer.
O- Was it? I thought it was the right answer.
Me- Did you? Does that sound like me?
All children in the vicinity shake their heads.

C- I haven't done my homework yet.

Me- Ok, why's that?

C- Daddy had the runs.

Me- Ok then, don't worry about it.

If you are a parent, know that you have no secrets. I know your age, medical history and much, much more. If it's any consolation, I am afforded no privacy either. I was asked if I had finished replacing some lost work from my memory stick last week.

Me- No, I had to send some emails.

S- Who to?

Me Ha ha.

R-for no reason I know feels it suddenly necessary to share the following;
I had glass in my foot once. (and he walks away, having shared info)

Me- D, M is coming home with you today.
D- M, you are coming home with me, come and see my bed!
I am left wondering if the same line will work for him in 15 years time.

I have been reading one of my favourite childhood books to my children. The book is The Worst Witch. We are now on the second book as they loved the first so much. We got to the part where poor Mildred has been turned to a frog by her arch enemy Ethel Hallow. To cut the story short, Mildred had insulted Ethel's family and upset her sister with tales of students being turned to frogs.
Mildred, now a frog, comes to the pond and meets another frog.

Me- Who do we think this frog is? What will happen?
O- I think the big frog will try and mate with her.
Me- Not quite where I was going with that but....

My children are between the ages of 5 and 7.

In the beginning...

The last two and a half years of my life have been pretty traumatic. I have recently divorced and am fighting my ex in court. This week, I turned down a job offer that would have taken me to the sunshine, brought me a lot more money and excitement. I turned it down for unselfish reasons.
I have been inspired to write by my sister who has recently begun blogging, and a friend of mine.

The one thing that has remained stable and bouyant for me is my work. I work with children and I love it. I have worked with children for the last 10 years. They bring me untold joy and laughter.

I intend to share the funnier side of my work and the joyous things that come out of the mouths of babes and which you can never foresee.

The dog is my dog. He is the reason I am staying put and the reason I am going to court. I love him unconditionally.