My cat loves Whiskers and I love my cat

I just fed my dog. I keep his food with my cat's food and chuckled to myself a bit (because I am sad) at the slogan on the box. My cat loves Whiskers and I love my cat.
This could not be more fitting of my cat. How careful of the Whiskers people not to include - 'My cat loves me'.
No, instead, my cat uses this place like a hotel. He likes to be fed but he couldn't give a crap about me. I love him but this love is not reciprocated. He loves my dog and my mum's dog but not me.
I have not seen him for some days now. I think maybe a week. This is completely normal and I imagine he has spent most of the week two doors away with his best pussy cat chum.
A couple of Summers back, he went missing for the first time for several days. I was beside myself and went out round my village every night calling him. In the end, I made leaflets and delivered them with the help of my family, to the whole village in order that I locate my beloved cat. The response was great and within hours I had him home and discovered that he'd spent the last 9 days over the alottments hunting. He was skinny so I kept him in for a few days. He is now one of the best known cats in the village. It amuses me when people walk by a ginger cat and say- 'Is that Frodo?'
Since then this has become his pattern. He is an outdoor cat and I rarely see him. I do see him when he wants feeding and he will come in, miaow loudly for his breakfast, even if he wakes me up, eat and leave. Maybe I should not have given him the name of a hobbit from the 'fellowship of the ring' - perhaps he was predestined to be a wanderer.
My mum summed up my cat last night when she left my house after our dog walk;
"I hope the shitmeister turns up this weekend".
I take offence but she is correct. He has no feelings of love towards me, but I do love my cat and when he wakes me at half past five, I will continue to feed him Whiskers.

Victoria est mei!

My rant on Monday paid off. I am so relieved and starting to feel a bit better about my work situation.
Really kicking off and leaving people with no doubt about my feelings and the course of action I wanted taken, have paid dividends.
What I wanted done with a proposed letter was done, and the changes I wanted made, were made. I am very pleased, both for myself and for my colleagues - justice. I also had it confirmed by someone I respect from high up that I am as good as I think I am at my job. I also had it stated that if this were not the correct judgement in the first place, the changes to this letter would not have been made - something that apparently NEVER happens and means he got it wrong and he knows it.
Pussy cat I may be, but I do get my way......mostly. 
So this news has been good medicine.

What I'm not so thrilled about is my knees. I wanted to be in training most of this week so that I can do this run on Sunday in half an hour- not really fast, but not shameful either. My knees have decided otherwise and I will most likely be wearing very attractive knee supports and consuming giant green horse tablets of chondroitin and glucosamine. It's a good job fun runners don't get drug tested- I'd rattle my way in to the testing centre. I wonder why my body must fight my attempts at serious fitness. First shin splints and now the knee thing. This came on last Summer when I began to hear a worrying 'velcro' sound in one and then both knees. I was told to strengthen the muscles in my legs around the knee with weights - which I did. Now this issue is back. Grrrrr.
But I shouldn't moan. A friend of mine spent half her school life on crutches. We barely recognised her without them. She injures herself less now but it really was quite ridiculous for a while.
 
In other news, I wait to see what will happen with the very odd coalition between progressive left wingers and traditionalist right wingers in our country. It doesn't seem a popular decision. I watched Cameron drive from Buckingham Palace to Downing Street while Nick Robinson assured us the crowds were cheering.
Jeering maybe. As he made his speech, David Cameron's wife looked nervous - hardly surprising with loud taunts of 'Tory Scum' from the crowd.
He talked about the difficult times ahead and how he intended to work with Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats. What an odd alliance this will be and how long will it 'work'?

 But as he stepped inside No.10 and closed the door behind him, Cameron must have felt a little bit of my victoria est mei, even if it hasn't gone quite as he had hoped.

Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Wow, I don't remember the last time I was this angry. I always say I don't do angry and that is true...ask my mum!
I have been thinking about this lately and discussing a bit with others. My temper that is. I don't have much of one. Feisty, yes, but I'm not an angry person. I get upset and cry when things go wrong. I'm a delicate flower, a pussy cat.
Tonight I lost my temper. I think I swore in front of the local vicar and I banged my bag down on the table in rage. Not pretty.

I have made a promise to myself that I won't live with anger again- in my personal life. When I did, it made me a shadow of myself and made me miserable. One day I had enough and realised I was scared of my own partner and asked him to leave. I cannot explain how different my home felt afterwards- it was quite remarkable, tangible even. I have never regretted that decision.

If my poxy knees weren't giving me loads of trouble again I'd be out running off the anger. As it is, I'm blogging and then I'm going to read my new book. I just bought 59 seconds and I have to start 5 days of writing about things that have been good this week. I am ignoring school, and instead concentrating on my running, improving fitness and the wonderful people who have sponsored our Race for Life so far!

Ooh, did I mention I LOVE Ed Norton? I do. He is great!

Being a doormat

Well it took me a week, but I have now responded to the person who let me down. There was much flustering and trying to dig herself out of ever increasing hole and suggestions that I misinterpreted 'context'. I quoted her directly and pointed out that I thought that pretty much did set the context.
I am becoming myself again. I never used to be a doormat, then had a few years of it, now I'm back and it's how I should be. I don't shout or lose my temper but I make sure my feelings are known.

This week a man sent me a text message asking how I was and what I'd been up to so naively I answered and said I'd been to Istanbul, got my dog back, applied for and turned down an overseas job etc etc.
He replied- 'I meant guys.'
Nice- how much more clearly can you say - I don't care what you've been up to, I only care if I still stand a chance?
I gave him my Tesco analogy to which he replied 'LOL you're too fussy! I am an ALDI man- good value but you know what you're getting'
Idiot.
I then ignored following messages until he wrote 'so do I stand a chance?'
No.
His final message was 'remember you deserve a good man'.
Ummmm yes, I know - evidently that was my point.
People will always surprise you, for good or for bad...

So, returning to my earlier issue; I would like it on record that in a silent building, but for a room of people having a meeting, wooden doors are not soundproof and I do not have WELCOME stamped all over my arse.

Narnia

 When I moved to my current home, I showed everyone around and saved the best bit til last. The best bit being my wardrobe. My bedroom is not huge but it does have an excellent wardrobe. I stood by the doors and my sister asked.."Is it Narnia?" at which point I opened the doors to reveal my decently sized walk in wardrobe with shelving to the ceiling, a shoe rack and double rail for clothes.
OH, it's better than Narnia!" she gasped. And it is.

When I moved here, I was not alone and shared this wardrobe...I reckon I had about 60% of it and would squash up my clothes to accomodate his crap. I often tried to hide my new purchases too which was retarded and unnecessary as it was my bloody money. Anyway, now I have it all to myself and it's a little bit bursting at the seams. Whoops.

The other day at work we discussed where we might like to go for a staff trip and treat. We came up with 5 ideas to please everyone. We can dream, but here they are;

• Ladies Day at Ascot
• The Ballet at the Royal Opera House
• Dinner at Heston's Fat Duck restaurant in Bray
• Afternoon Tea at the Ritz (I've done this once already...it is most pleasant)
• Go Ape - some staff members not so keen as me on this! 

We discussed the need for new outfits for most of these occasions and one of my colleagues looked at me laughing and said...
"You? You have more clothes than anyone I know...you MUST have something!"
True enough I have already bought and dismissed an outfit for a friend's wedding in July, knowing that I simply MUST have a new dress from Coast rather than something I have owned for a few weeks.
I am then quizzed about whether I fill up the charity bags that come through the door...yes I do, on a regular basis, but then I restock! I defend myself by saying that I rarely drink, I do not smoke, and have few vices but this. I was asked recently how many pairs of shoes I own. I think it's 40. I think that's fine and in fact quite modest. But it is true that I forget what I own in the way of clothes and have lovely moments of rediscovering things when I'm putting the odd item into a charity sack.

Crimes I AM guilty of are;

• Wearing a pair of £150 shoes twice in 5 year period. 
• Finding the 'perfect' item and buying in bulk
• Coveting items- giving myself a 'next month you can have it -rule' then buying it the next day. 

At university my shoe habit was worse. I had a part time job in a shoe shop where I'd put coveted items aside til pay day. I had a daft amount of shoes for a student and my flatmates would laugh that had so many Saturday night shoes but couldn't afford to go out on a Saturday night. I cared not. 
I am of course guilty of a crime far worse than the above though. I am ALWAYS ALWAYS moaning that I have NOTHING to wear...I will be the same tomorrow for work. On a Sunday I move about things I think I'd like to re-air that week...then never do because I have NOTHING to wear.

Oh dear God, I have just looked at the Coast page....whoops.

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix

 I'm doing my weeble bit today. I'm bouncing back from last week's disappointment and feelings of being undervalued.

I'm making plans for my future and possibly doing something that's a bit risky. If I can do these things, I will never regret them but it's the how.

I am looking into gaining BSL Level 1 which I've wanted to do for years. Today I mailed the college that runs the course to send me the info. I'm also going to try and take a Biology A Level so that someday I can do a second degree. This time in Marine Biology, something I'm becoming increasingly interested in. People I love and respect whom I have spoken to today about my plans have been really supportive which helps.

I think this is not too knee jerk and both are positive. Yes I'm nearly 33 but no reason why I can't do something brand new! I looked at Marine Biology degree courses too and they looked great. I don't know how I'll do it or fund it but I think I'd love it. I just have to sort the sea legs issue then!

I also plan to apply for AST status which I've said I'll do forever but never have.
The other thing I did today was enroll for Race for Life. I started running just a couple of weeks ago and I never thought I'd volunteer to run but I am. My reactions to bad news are never negative for long. I never turn to drink/drugs or playing the field. I hope I will always be this way. Change will always happen and it can be a great thing - a time of rebirth.

A leopard will never change its spots

Today I feel let down. I am hugely disappointed and upset. It does not help that I am exhausted and my Thursday night did not help this. I had to call the police out at 3am Friday morning as there was a nasty domestic going on next door...culminating in him shouting "Do you need an ambulance?"  Arsehole.

Anyway, I am let down and furious. I have not decided what I will do about this yet as I don't wish to be reactionary. I heard something yesterday that I was not meant to hear and it was about me. It was not nice, but more importantly it was untrue.
It was also about my work. I may not be a perfect human being. I may have flaws. I do. I am good at my job. I am very good at my job.
I heard that I needed to embrace creativity and become less 'static'. I am fuming. My work is so beyond static I cannot say. I am so very upset.
Evidently I write in short abrupt sentences when I am upset!

The person saying this was the very person who should have been backing me up and talking about my very creative work. They did not. Walls have ears. I have not decided yet whether I confront her. I want to. She will be cross I have heard this and try and turn this on me. I will not let her. I think I am the injured party here.
This happened to me several years ago. I was not backed up by this person over something I absolutely should have been. I said then I would never trust her again. Leopards do not change their spots. 

A short entry, but I am still debating my response and my reaction. But rest assured there will be one.