Three stars and a wish....

I'm off work at the moment. In fact I've hardly been at work this term. It's not working out well with the new boss who has taken a massive dislike to me for some reason and seems to be making it her personal mission to wear me down until I leave or at least have a nervous breakdown. I'm now on my 6/7th week of time off I think. It gives me time to regroup for the next time I see her. So far I have done no more than a 3 week period before she is so vile to me I cannot cope and get signed off.

A number of things have been suggested to me about why she is this way with me. I am not singled out for the toilet brush treatment but I do get it worse than the others. I am the only one who is really fighting it and standing up to her in any way - ie seeing governors and making a loud noise about how bad things are. So perhaps it is that I pose her greatest threat.
The other more shallow reason suggested to me is that I am everything she is not. I am not a cow. I have friends and a life outside work. I am popular in the workplace and have good relationships with parents children and staff. Finally I don't look like the back end of a bus and I have more years experience. I am not a fast track arsehole like she is - I went into the job for the love of it and not to tread over everyone to get to the top of the tree.

On my last return to work- I had to sit with her and fill out some pointless stress evaluation- very hard to write - YOU ARE THE PROBLEM - I HAVE BEEN FINE FOR YEARS HERE BEFORE YOU CAME ALONG AND SUCKED THE JOY OUT OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.
So instead I had to be more tactful unfortunately, I gave her one of my analogies. 

I have used a few analogies about my current situation. One is that I now work in the 3rd Reich - the other is that I am Frodo Baggins and my colleagues are the fellowship of the ring- we turn up every day under the ever watchful eye of Sauron the all seeing evil eye and are trying to stay alive in the fiery bowels of Mordor.
 I decided these were not wise to share with her and instead gave her some teacher speak about marking work. Some schools use 3 stars and a wish- pick three positive things about a child's work and then one area for improvement. I pointed out to her that all any of us had had was negativity and wishes but no stars. She has also made a massive impact on our workload. None of us feels able to keep up. I said that she could not expect any of us to be on board with her wishes if our self esteem is on the ground because we'd all give up.

It's a simple thing but places like ours do run on good will. There is none at the moment. It used to be in abundance. I'm left wondering why anyone comes into a new job like this - determined to make enemies of people and fail to have any empathy at all. I don't know many people who don't want to be liked by others. It would really upset me to think I was not liked- she doesn't seem to give a crap. She said something a while ago to one of the teacher's dogs. He came over to her to say hello and she said - at least someone here likes me! How utterly stupid- of course no one likes you- you are a bully!

So until next Monday I am at home pondering the future for me again and enjoying the warmth of my fire and the Christmas lights. I aim to make this my last rant about her as I don't wish to focus more attention on her. Merry Christmas.

Glamour

 A friend of mine has just popped round to discuss my volunteering. It's taken a really long time but I'm almost to the point of being matched with a 'friend'. I'm looking forward to it. It'll be a challenge, but a good one.
As a showed my friend out, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had panda eyes from mascara and the sort of hair that can only be achieved in under ten seconds after recent shower.

I have aspirations to be one of those eternally groomed women who look effortlessly glamorous. It is doubtful I shall ever be such a woman. A year or so ago, I bumped into a girl I went to school with. She is always pristine. Hair and make up perfect. She was shopping for her son's birthday cake. I had just been swimming. I was wearing track suit bottoms with chlorine infused wet hair and I am quite sure the panda eyes.
When I lived in Bath I made a trip across town to the doctors surgery, catching two buses and walking through the University and through town. Only in the doctors waiting room did I realise my coat was inside out. It was also at university that I decided I could pull off blond hair. I was mistaken. My hair is naturally dark. I used a pre-lightener and my then boyfriend and I carefully followed the instructions on the pre-lightener and then the dye. The outcome was quite frankly terrifying. My hair was white blond for the first two inches, changing to a quite vivid yellow throughout the next 4 or 5 inches, finally blending into carrot orange. In my infinite wisdom, I had spent all my money on these dyes and would now be stuck with my comedic hair for some time. During the weeks I sported this look, I was followed by a man in a BMW and propositioned. Nuff said.

I have been painting my bathroom this week. There is no call for glamour here. But I would prefer that my mother give me some warning she is coming over if I am dressed for painting. I was wearing a pair of very old paint splattered jeans, a green t-shirt with bright yellow lettering, pink fluffy socks and some ballet pumps as I'd just put the bin out. My mother is not good at the art of subtlety when she sees such a look on her daughter.

I am not religious. However, I religiously buy a high street fashion magazine in order that I do not become a shin length floral skirt wearing teacher with whiskers growing from her chin and with a smell of cat pee about her. Or like the teacher at my old school who was near skeletal and owned one pair of stained beige slacks which she teamed with many a grotesque jumper and the overwhelming stench of fags. Last week I tried out a pair of tweed city shorts with floaty fabrics and some ankle boots. At my sign language class, I tried a more Peter Pan look with green tights under my green dress. I will not become a stereotypical teacher. However, the glamour still evades me and on a daily basis I come home smothered in paint, glue, plasticine or the like. It is not unknown for me to have a googly eye or sequin attached to me- usually my backside.

This Summer, I went to a friends wedding. I wrote about my preparations for the wedding. I had a spray tan. I liked it a lot. Made me look healthy. So the following week I went back for another. This time I looked as though I had been creosoted. I have added the creosote pictures to my FB page but under restricted access. I was asked to put them up for my family's general amusement.
I have now remedied the panda eyes.

Fragility

 I just had to check that fragility was actually a word. It is.
I'm calling my post that today because you often don't realise how fragile something is until it isn't there any more. This month has been tough. I'm writing this at 3.40pm on a Thurs pm. I ought to be at work. I'm not. I've just been signed off for a month. This was a compromise. The doctor wanted me to be off for two.
My immune system is pretty shocking at the moment and I've come down with all sorts. I know that there are many factors contributing to this. Mainly it is my job.
I've been secure and happy there for a long time and am the first to say that my job keeps me sane when all else is going wrong.
I don't have that now and it is remarkable how quickly that has had an effect on my health. My health is more fragile than I thought. My doctor said in mocking tones- 'you're a bit of a wreck, aren't you?'
I'm off with amongst other things; a nasty ear and chest infection and some kind of skin bug. Yuk. I feel revolting. Revolting in that I feel unwell and that I have a skin bug.
Urlgh. See I KNEW the blisters were NOT ok.
 My body and brain have reached a point now where they have decided enough is enough. I don't seem to be able to deal with any more emotional trauma and this month there has been A LOT of it. Some of it was expected, some was not.
Fortunately, my boss was quite understanding and has wished me well and intends not to send me home work to do over the next four weeks.
Some of my friends are being great too. They know who they are. 

Also proving to be very fragile this month are two of our family cats. One we said goodbye to on Sunday. Another we have bid our goodbyes today. She is off to the vet soon and she won't be coming home. We are very sad. Very recently, the two of them seemed fine. Old and showing signs of age, but not sick like this week.

So what do I intend to do about it?
Well I now have a month. The first thing I began doing was looking for pastures new with regards to my job. I've signed up to various sites that are education based and I will be mailed suitable jobs. But I've been looking further afield too. I also applied for a job yesterday which is not related to school at all, but one of my other passions. In my own over used words, 'we'll see!'
I'm disappointed in this post as I always intend to keep an upbeat tone and it's not been so obvious recently. I need some very big changes again in my life.


For the rest of today I will be watching crap on TV, reading trashy mags and novels and picking up the rest of my very long prescription if I can muster up the energy.

R and R for me then.
And RIP for my pussy cats. We love you very much!

I quit

Right. Decision made. Going to hand my notice in. I have 5 weeks to find a new job.

Pedestals

 ....or maybe I should call it pedal stool, as a friend of mine thinks the word may be.

I have not been having a good few days. Nor have some of those I love and care about.
I have made no bones about the fact I dislike my boss intensely. I have been crying most days and nights and been spoken to as if I were some backward, carrot-crunching, simpleton who has somehow managed to forge a career and good reputation by staying under the radar.
Bitch.

It has been suggested, and alluded to, that I may have put my previous boss on some kind of pedestal.
In fact no. She is thought of in high regard, because she is a good person, who pretty much always treated me well, and was funny and magical. There is no pedestal about that.
My new boss is Jeckyll and Hyde.
We are to 'accept the governors knew what they were doing'.
NO they didn't- you were Dr Jeckyll then.
You have saved the bloody Mr Hyde act for us!

I am guilty of putting some people on a pedestal however. I  have Mr Derren Brown on a pedestal. He is genius. This is my final word on the subject and I will not hear otherwise.
Apparently I put my sister on a pedestal too. More than one person has suggested I think she is 'better' than me.
She has what I think is a very exciting life with no real ties. I am envious of that...but not in the way my RELATE councillor understands envy (different to jealousy as envy was about wanting to destroy what the other person has). I do think it would be rather excellent to just jet off to another country and build a life there. And to just throw myself into a new career. I'm not able to do that but I think I'd like to.
There are other people whose opinion I trust above my own and I will seek it out. People who I cannot imagine having to live without. What would I do? How would I make decisions?

Returning to my opening and it not having been a good few days....
It has also been a horrid few days for one of my best friends. Her life has just come crashing down around her through no fault of her own.
Her partner beat her up. Another case of Jeckyll and Hyde.
I'm so very angry, sad for her and disappointed. I cannot say shocked unfortunately as I knew there was some background of this. I have never liked him. He is the one I have written about before and called a sleazebag. I don't have a word for him today. Certainly nothing I'm prepared to write.
She had him on a pedestal. Thought the world of him. People will always surprise you, for good, or for bad.
I hope those she loves, and a few she didn't know care, step up and surprise her for good. I intend to be one of them.
It is a good week for me to throw myself back into Buddhism and the Metta Bhavana.

On a happier note, we had some wonderful news yesterday about a family friend who is recovering from a horrid illness. I will continue to wish her well in my thoughts.

Time

So the new regime has begun. I've been back at work four days and already I'm dragging my heels and sulking. It's not a good sign. It's my eighth year in this job and I've never been less keen to get up in the morning.

I said I'd try and be positive and everyone says I have to give it time, but I'm not crazy about the new boss and I'm even less crazy about some of her ideas and the accompanying workload. We had our first meeting today. One member of staff was crying almost hysterically so I think that should give you some idea about how we're feeling. Her tears were met with a somewhat aggressive response and impenetrable glare.
I for one am already very tired of the constant 'Really?' to everything I say and accompanying sneer. It's a good job I am not a violent person. I don't like being talked to as if I were on the end of her toilet brush.

The nice things have gone already too. First day back and we didn't even get a 'Hello team, how are you all, it's good to see you' etc... We had ...... a marking policy given to us that resembled the magna carta in length.
Play times are now so short that staff have to drink tea/coffee at volcanic temperatures. And if any of us thinks about staying out a couple of minutes longer to give the others a break, and the children some more freedom, she comes out to glare.

We have also been told that the three after school meetings next week are all to be attended and that , yes, there will be a staff meeting because the after school things fall into 'directed time' anyway. Seriously, if she wants to start getting pedantic about times, I will be raising the fact I get nothing like my 10% non contact time.Negotiation and discussion seem to be alien concepts. We are not used to this, we don't like it.
I wonder why new bosses come in like some Tom cat, peeing all over their territory and stamping authority. It's rarely met with enthusiasm. How much nicer, and more sensible to have let things run a while and see what needed a tweak, rather than bulldoze all the many things we love and make our school what it is.

I hear rumours that she plans to issue late slips to parents arriving after 9am. This will go down like a cup of cold sick with our parents. People have complex lives. Many of our parents do. You don't get them on side by issuing late slips. 

With luck, I hope she has gone home this evening feeling a little bit shit about today. It can't have been the sort of first meeting you hope for when it's clear you have pissed off ALL your key players in a very small team. Even though she looked like she couldn't care less that it was all falling apart round her, it must have smarted a little.

Only time will tell whether things will improve or whether the three of us jump ship or at least attempt mutiny.

Television

 Until the school holidays, I could count the number of times I have had the television on in the last few months on one hand. I pretty much gave it up when my new life partner, the internet took over my life and because TV is shite.

It's not new or exciting to say there is nothing on television, but there really is NOTHING on television.

When I do have it on, I am stunned at the number of vacuous shows about dancing, singing and general scraping of the barrel for 'talent'.

This Summer I have watched my beloved Project Runway- (fashion does not count as scraping the barrel I might add), and various other drivel as the weather has been so appallingly bad, I haven't spent the Summer in a sun chair reading as I wished to.

Today I was horrified at The Wright Stuff. Firstly I was surprised to be agreeing 100% with Matthew Wright, and secondly for the amoeba that were ringing in with their 'opinions'. Dear God, spare us from your delusional crap about how Raoul Moat was somehow a spokesperson for the working class and 'felt trapped' by his circumstances. As Nitin Ganatra pointed out, we don't all start killing each other when life gets tough. It was also pointed out that Moat had been proved not to be a psychopath.It's a little like the Jeremy Kyle show. People with very little to recommend themselves, see an opportunity for a public voice and ring in or appear on the TV show, unaware that people who have more to recommend themselves, are horrified at what they see and hear.

This weekend the travesty that is the X Factor begins again, something I clearly share opinion again with Matthew Wright about. Barely does one ridiculous money making circus from the Cowell Empire finish, than another begins. I see Dannii Minogue received an award in February for 'Best TV Star' off the back of X Factor. I have nothing against her personally but she was in some bad soaps, made some bad records. Then made one or two average records, and thus became one of the all-knowing judges/mentors on X Factor, and is now BEST TV STAR. Please. It is the same with Amanda Holden who is at best a very average actress, passing judgement on the 'talents' of others.

From this weekend and for the foreseeable future, it's all going to be X Factor. Hooray. As soon as it finishes, Britain's Got Talent will be back on our screens as Cowell bathes in a pool of  money and self loving. My class love it all and I get regular updates in the latter stages of competition about who is in and who has gone. I rarely know who they are talking about.

I think my dog has better taste than some of the general public. He is at least discerning about his viewing habits. Usually, on the rare occasions I do have the TV on, he leaves the room or goes to sleep, knowing that I am watching something banal. Last weekend, he obviously decided I had become more high brow as he rushed in from the garden to see what wonders I was watching. Usually I can guarantee he will like it if it features; dogs, meerkats, rabbits or lions, though he very much enjoyed this years Boat Race. But this time, 101 Dalmatians was on and as I flicked through the plethora of crap on the many channels, he heard barking. It was the part in the film where the dogs send out a distress call. It has no dialogue, but for the barking of dogs for several minutes, and lots of shots of dogs barking and running about. I left it on for him and did some washing up.

OCD

As a teacher I have been off work for a few weeks now and still have nearly two more to go. This gives me a lot of time. None of it I have used wisely. I blame the weather for my lack of doing any gardening except mowing the grass and my other task was to write a book, maybe think about two. A fiction book and a non fiction book. The fiction has turned out really average. I began writing it years ago and it stemmed form the being dumped by the very gorgeous man I'd be seeing for a while, just before Christmas.
It wasn't a good Christmas and I got through it with Meet The Parents, laughing.
Anyway, one evening drowning my sorrows in a bottle of Pinot, I decided my disastrous love life would make a good book, if you watered it down and exaggerated/toned down some of the characters. It was going well for a while and I'd written a few chapters which people said were good.
Then I lost it all.
That was a good 7 years ago I think. This Summer I planned to pick it up again from what I'd remembered and change the end - as the princess never did end up with the carriage mender - (see blog description). Now I think it would be sort of nice if she ended up being happy as she was but I can't write it for toffee.
My other book is one I have discussed with a colleague - but the new coalition government may decide to rain on our parade with the changes it plans for the curriculum.
So, this Summer I have done........ not a lot. I am now in a nice routine of staying up late, waking up at about nine, wasting most of the day and then repeating it all the next day. I also have a several times a week wake up in the early hours from my cat, asking to be let out. I have rigged the cat flap so he can come in but not out because I never see him, need to know he's ok and sometimes administer treatment to prevent fleas etc. I say rigged. It is sellotape. The carriage mender didn't put the catflap in properly so it has never offered the choice of in but not out without the aid of sellotape. I bought him a collar which said DO NOT FEED. I haven't put him on him yet. I obsess about whether I should and the safety of collars.
My mother said this week she thinks my OCD has got worse. Maybe this is purely down to time spent living alone, or maybe it's because I've had too much time on my hands. I certainly think during term time I am more focused. I seem to work better, the more I have to do and am much better at managing my time. All this time off has made me lazy.
But I do obsess.
I obsess about whether my front door is locked. I'll check it as I leave, walk down my path or out to my car through the garage, then go back and check again. Sometimes twice. I do the same with my GHD's. I should add, the door IS always shut and the GHD's are always off, unplugged and the socket switched off. Yes I am mental. I am better with my ears now - I won't go into this one again.
Other than this, I can't see that I have really bad OCD. Perhaps I am becoming a little bit DYSON-happy this last couple of weeks but that's no bad thing.....My mother also felt I was obsessing about my blisters. She contented herself and me though by saying she felt very sure that when they did clear up, I'd have found something else to worry and obsess about. She is right.
Who knows what the new head, year, class etc will bring but maybe it'll be a curb on my increasing OCD!

Being a hypochondriac

 There is a small chance that I may be a hypochondriac. It is rare for me to visit the doctor and I wish to stress this quite strenuously to you. But, on the times I have been, there has sometimes been absolutely nothing wrong with me and I am in fact making a giant fuss over nothing. This week I am suffering most terribly from two blisters on my lower arm, caused by insect bites. Normally I get a bit of an itch, stick on some cream and it's all fine. This time, I have developed blisters. And they won't go. It's been 5 days now and they show no signs of improvement and are in fact spreading. This troubles me.
It does not however trouble my mum (a nurse), the rest of my family, or the phamacist I showed it to yesterday who was completely underwhelmed. He took a look, asked if I had scratched it, asked if it had been infected. I said no to both. He has given me.....Savlon.
At my sister's home yesterday, they all laughed at me again because I had administered some Savlon and covered both blisters with a giant dressing. It does look a little like I might have made a rather feeble attempt on my own life now, but never mind. My sister suggested that next time they all see me, I will have my arm in a sling. This then escalated and apparently I will be dragging a drip behind me. You may remeber that when I got a SAD lamp - they commented - of course you have, it's so you! Why wouldn't you have one?
They do not take my dilemma seriously at all. I told them that they would all be sorry when I became like The Fly or Wickes van de Merwe and started growing alien/insect limbs instead of my own. Fly impersonations and suggestions that I would start vomitting black goop ensued. My younger sister finished my slice of cake off, so I told her I had vomitted on that - as flies do. It was a high-brow conversation.
It was suggested that my new appearence with fly limbs, may frighten my new class, and that I should perhaps consider a new career. As I will have fly eyes and be able to view all directions at once, I could work in CCTV, or for London Underground?

Bravado

 Bravado is defined thus; pretended courage or defiant confidence when one is really afraid

Somebody made me very mad today, hit my dog, swore repeatedly at me and raised his fist at me. All the time I stood my ground, not swearing or backing down. Nobody hits my dog. 

Afterwards, when the woman, who I can only assume was his carer, dragged him away, did the upset kick in. Until then I was running on bravado and adrenalin- (note to Universe- this sort of adrenalin rush was NOT what I had in mind). 

My dog is fine fortunately- an expensive 5 minute visit to the vets has confirmed this. I, on the other hand am fuming but relieved that I have not got a broken nose/jaw etc. 

I've never been in a fight. Not even close - but I will always stand my ground and fake the confidence until the other party is out of sight - and then I will lose it. ha ha- what bravery.

A few years ago some stupid drunken girl stood all over my foot in a club and I was displeased. I told her she had stood on my foot and that 'sorry' was the usual response. She was so horridly drunk that her reaction was to call me all manner of names, tell me she had a degree???? and then lunge at me with her talons. Hmmm- not quite what I had hoped for. Some bouncers were there, and for once, actually stepped in and dealt with the correct party. She was removed, I kept my cool. 

It amused me some weeks later when she turned up at my regular kickboxing class and was a beginner. I had been there some years and was wearing a belt of such a colour that clearly demonstrated I could kick her arse. 

She never showed up again.

I think I probably won't go and take my rage out on the punchbag- my book, 59 Seconds, says this has the opposite effect, and maybe my broken finger is proof of this. Instead I may make muffins and watch Project Runway.http://www.bravotv.com/project-runway

I love it. Genius television. 

Rant over. But seriously, don't EVER hurt my dog. You will have to sleep with one eye open.

Taking Risks

Though I have little sense of embarrassment and will happily be seen wearing fairy wings to work, or cartwheel and dance in public, I am pretty rubbish at taking risks. The closest I got to it yesterday was braving my weekly run shortly after having my Fake Bake treatment. I was quite scarily brown. My brother in law did well to contain his laughter, but my sister didn't even try and has taken some very lovely pictures of my tan. Think Ross in that epidode of Friends where he gets a tan...or in fact the one where his teeth are flourescent. That was me yesterday.
From yesterday I have learnt two things;
1 Do not show anyone the tan on day 1.
2 Do not go running- you will cause patches. :(
My sister thought it was hilarious when I sent her out last night to buy me more fake tan to rectify the patches. As if I was not brown enough. Even the dog was not quite sure who I was. My mother says I am well on my way to Katie Price. Excellent. Definitely the impression I want to give my new boss. 
But it was on my way to get the tan that I thought about how rubbish I am at taking risks. Everything scares me- heights, fast cars, wild water, - anything that's a bit dangerous. I thought about it because I timed my arrival at the traffic lights just wrong. I was first in the line as the traffic came through from the other side at some speed. As cars and then an enormous HGV came towards me head on (at speed) it was mildly scary but also made me think that I never do anything that gets my andrenalin pumping. I have mentioned before how useless I am at Alton Towers etc.
Anyway so now I'm thinking I ought to try something a little scary and really put some fun into my life. I continue to make changes but I'm not doing so well on the whole fun side.
I told my sister at 'Running Club' (my brother in law insists on calling it this which sort of implies fun- I assure you there is none) that I wanted to try something a little scary activity wise.
"What like base-jumping?"
"Yeah!" I said - having a vague idea about what it is (turns out base jumping is ridiculously terrifying and involves throwing yourself off tall buildings and other very tall things with a parachute- and it is often illegal)
But maybe I do need to try it. Or a parachute jump, or Rally driving or something. So I'm going to have a look at that. I have been putting too much pressure on myself to do too many things and move on in my life whilst forgetting to have enough fun. It can't all be career and doing things for others. I have few ties - I ought to take advantage of that and stop buying cupcake and muffin recipe books. Extreme baking is not the way forward.

Simple Pleasures

Today I went and spent the day at the British seaside. The day involved paddling in the sea, watching my dog swim, watching my dog swim with my newly retired boss, fish and chips (in my case just the chips) - my dog ate a battered sausage and everybody's leftover fish skin, strawberries and ice cream, a walk and afternoon tea.
You understand of course my dog did not take afternoon tea? Or eat strawberries and ice cream...?
We spent the day at my new retired boss's caravan ( I am going to abbreviate to MNRB). There were none of the things I dislike about the coast- high winds, crowds, and worst of all- arcades.
I am a horrid snob about arcades. To me they are everything that is bad about the seaside. Noise, lights, a terrible waste of money and they prevent people from actually enjoying the outdoors. I actually think it is quite tragic when I see families spending their time in arcades shooting at pictures on a screen and chucking money away, instead of building sandcastles on the beach. My father used to take such pride in the sandcastles, they would always have a working moat, be enormous in size and would inevitably draw a crowd. We NEVER visited arcades.
I used to work in a seaside town before I came to where I work now and was continually asked why I did not move there and instead, drove 45 minutes to work every day. Unless hell had frozen over, there was no way. For our regular staff meals out, the 'Entertainments Committee' would organise a dinner at the local 'All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet'. I do not think I need go any further with my description of this establishment. Needless to say, I was often unavailable for these occasions. Did I mention I was a horrid snob?
Today involved no flashing lights, rob-you-blind arcade games or all you can eat buffets. We did eat fish and chips and they were rather good. MNRB went swimming in the sea with my dog which kept him amused but he was a little disappointed I would not join them. (NOTHING would tempt me into the sea in the UK.)
Even the caravan was nice and reminded me of my holidays when I was growing up, in my grandparent's caravan near Lowestoft.
Yes I am a horrid snob when it comes to arcades and all you can eat 'restaurants' but I do enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. A pleasant walk, seeing those I care about happy, and drinking tea and eating cakes with lovely people.
This post would have read nothing like this however, if we had had grey weather, high winds and rain!

Wisdom

I was going to write a post about what we affectionately call Jay Z Syndrome in our family. By this, I mean, when a man has landed a woman who is so ridiculously out of his league looks wise, you can only imagine that he pinches himself each morning as he wakes up to his enormously attractive partner.
Then I decided it was mean and thought better of it.

Instead, I am simply calling this post 'Wisdom' and shall impart for you some of the wisdom I have gained over my 30+ years. Some of it you may be familiar with if you read anything I have written before. But I hope that there is some wisdom here for all!

• If you intend to wear a very close fitting dress for an entire day, exercise restraint when it comes to the canapes, 3 course meals, truffles and evening buffet. 
• Do not use a jar of honey to deter wasps from your drink in the garden- you will only succeed in attracting the entire wasp population of your town.
• Do not take a cream cardigan to put on after you have been for creosote spray tan - you will stain it - it is probably best to make your way swiftly home and not go to the cinema with your scary tan which will have developed nicely in the 2 hours you were in the dark.
• Don't do your family a favour and walk their dog in an area where the dog cannot resist rolling in every cowpat he can see, (the greener and slimier the better) when he is not happy to jump in the river and you must push him in, therefore killing his trust in you. 
• When packing a case for two, remember you will also need some choices of clothing. Do not just consider their wardrobe.
• If you plan to bake a large number of cakes somewhere other than your home for an event later in the day, remember cake cases as well as the ingredients. This avoids panic trips to small and badly stocked local shops.
• If you know it is a BAD idea to go to a certain bar/club when you are sober, and NOTHING good can come of going there, try VERY, VERY hard to keep this in mind after a few beverages.
• Seeing the film Schindler's List is traumatic enough. Try to see it without young German students who are fairly naive about the whole Holocaust. It may lead to several days silence from said nice young German students. 
• It is not necessary to tell people you barely know that you are in hospital with suspected dysentry. Just because they know you via work does not mean you need to justify your presence in A and E.
• When entering into a new sport...TAKE IT EASY. This avoids amongst other things, dodgy knees, shin splints, sciatica and a broken finger. 
• I cannot take the credit for this culinary knowledge, but I pass it onto you freely.. Korma is best with chicken, vegetables etc. Sausage Korma is very nasty. Likewise, Crispy pancakes are an acquired taste, They are best when cooked for slightly less than 8 hours. 
• Puppies and Bonsai trees are not a good combination. Neither is a bored puppy with a box of Christmas decorations, a puppy with lino, puppy with wallpaper, puppy with GHD's etc etc. In fact, puppies should be supervised at ALL times.
• Always check your passport before you hand it over to anyone at the airport. You never know when your mother may have stuck a picture of Lionel Ritchie over your face.
• Never fill your best friend's Roland Rat snow boots with snow. They will NEVER forgive you and will be telling the story more than 20 years later. (Your mother will also be cross with you and make you give your snow boots to your friend.) 

Again, I cannot take credit for the following entries, but they are all yours.

• When going out with someone new, if they introduce you as Justin Flowers and your name is neither Justin nor Flowers, say something. Do not let it go on for the evening or in fact for several more dates.
• NEVER kiss someone who has eaten a kebab with lashings of chilli sauce. You will look like Fred Flintstone the next day.
• Tiger Balm is not good for the under eye area but it will excuse you from dull lessons/school based activity.
• Stabbing the ground with a penknife is pointless and you will end up cutting yourself. It is adviseable then, not to go canoeing in mucky water. A scary red line will appear on your arm.

I may add to this list as and when, but for now, I think it is a useful guide to life.
It is my gift to you.
In return, can I please have Tom Hardy? He is lovely - if a little odd on the Jonathon Ross Show.

We'll see...

Anyone who spends any time talking to me will have noticed that this has become my tagline of late. To pretty much everything I'm asked - I say "We'll see."
I am very non committal.
What's the new boss like? "We'll see"
What's happening with the job application - "It's on hold, we'll see."
This Summer I'm beginning the task of redrafting and with luck, finishing my book for children, which I began many moons ago. I was asked how it was going today.............."We'll see"

I think my attitude to life is a healthy one though. The days of allowing the birds of worry to nest in my hair are mostly behind me and I am looking at my future as more of an interesting journey and I have no idea about the destination. It used to worry me. Now it doesn't. I tend to think that whatever happens, I'll be ok and that old chestnut "What will be will be" is a good one to which I am subscribing. 

I decided this week, on the anniversary of when I went on a Buddhist retreat, to contact someone I met there who is as bright and sunny a person as I've ever met. I had an incredible time at the retreat. I'd never done anything like it before and was not even that familiar with Buddhism. It was wonderful. We lived without TV and phones and ate simply, spending our time chatting and drinking tea...oh and there was the getting lost in the Badwell Ash Triangle. The best part was the people. I can't say I have ever met a more likeable group of people as I did that weekend. Despite the age of communication we live in, I only  keep in touch with one. I wondered how he was doing. He's doing well and has had a good year. I told him I had too and we sent each other some messages about what we'd both been up to. He's done some holidaying, he's met some great people, he's loving his job still and so am I. We've both been a bit slack on the meditation front! When I finished talking about what I'd been doing and what was in the pipeline for the future, including my 101 list, I signed off,
"We'll see"..... and I really meant it. I am not worried about what lies ahead and whatever is meant for me will not pass me by. I have to just settle in and enjoy the journey there.

Bridget Bread

 In my last week at work, we had a tea party at school which was entirely catered for by the children. Each class prepared something different. For one class it was sandwiches. As staff we had to go and get everything for our mass catering session. Two of us doing the catering, live alone. We have no idea how much a bog standard sliced loaf is. Not because we don't eat bread, but because we buy Bridget Bread.
Bridget Bread is those small 3/4 size loaves for those who live alone. Even with this size loaf, I inevitably end up giving a fair bit to the pigeons.
Shopping and queueing up at the checkouts at the supermarket is a revealing thing. You can make a lot of observations about someone by what's in their trolley/basket. Tesco could learn a lot from me. I think I make better jugdements than they do. For a while, they assumed I had become a parent and sent me all manner of things about babies and becoming a parent. They had based this assumption on the fact that I purchase Baby Wipes. I buy them because they are an all purpose wonder tool. They clean my face, my hands after I fill my tyres with air, spillages of nail polish...they are indispensable. Whoever at Tesco decides you have had a baby because you have purchased Baby Wipes is an idiot.
"YES, everything I need for my helpless infant is here in this moist wipe. I have no need for nappies, food, lotion, cotton wool etc etc. It is all here in this wonder wipe!" 
However, I am obviously a singleton. I buy Bridget Bread, I buy a 2pt bottle of semi skimmed milk, and apart from cake ingredients, I rarely buy food which I will have to prepare from scratch. I cannot see the point, and neither do I have the time to slave over a meal for an hour just for me. Unlike the L'oreal advert...It's not worth it.
More revealing about my home status is the fact that I never take advantage of any fresh ingredient BOGOF offers. I would end up binning it. I do the frozen or cupboard ones, but not fruit, veg, chiller cabinet or the like. Why do they never offer me BOGOF make up or CD's?
I went around to my neighbour's house yesterday. She had taken in a dress for me which I bought some years ago, wore to a wedding, then lost a stone so it fell down every time I tried it afterwards. I stayed for a cup of tea. They have two types of milk- she likes full fat, him semi skimmed. They talked to me about the garden and the fact that the hedgehog family are enjoying the slugs which in turn are enjoying the plants. She has suggested slug pellets, but he refuses to kill anything in the garden.
I never argue over my Bridget Bread.

Random Objects

 I lost £5 the other day. This never happens to me and it irritated me beyond all reason - to the point where one of my friends said she'd give me the bloody fiver.
I searched through my bag thoroughly but somewhere between the pet shop and home, it had gone. I did however discover a unique and interesting selection of objects in my bag. I challenged the others to have a more random selection than me but of course, I won hands down.
In my bag I had;

• a sock (briefly worn - just one)
• hayfever tablets
• a change of name deed
• two colours of nail polish
• a speech transcript
• a usb lead for my ipod
• a plaster

I could go on and I daresay if I went and checked the bag now it would have a whole array of more random objects than I've listed but I may appear even more of a loon.
My desk is a similar story. As I look about now there is the fairly normal pen, post it notes, calculator.... but then there is also a fir cone, more nail polish, two lots of tablets, some craft materials, leaflets about befriending, two hello kitty memory sticks, some strawberry earrings, and a spare mobile phone. This is a good day- there have been far worse days!
The letter from the local MP has now made it to the bin as I have decided I can no longer deal with the pointless battle I have with him over his prehistoric views.

I strive to be tidy and organised both at home and at work. I fail. I have too much stuff. Too much clutter and too many treasures. Maybe I should take inspiration from some of the people I've worked with over the last ten years. Firstly there was Chris. She put all her 'this is beyond disgusting and I will not afford it houseroom' gifts from children at the end of term on a special shelf in the classroom which she had labelled the Treasure Shelf. This means she never gives them houseroom, but shows the children the value of their treasures by having them on permanent display. Genius!

Then there is my current boss. I have been to her home twice and last time I was there, I was shown the now famous antique post sorting cabinet. It has its many sections and these are carefully labelled with each letter of the alphabet. Then all the toot is filed thus- sellotape under s, with string, superglue and scissors, blu tac under b with buttons and batteries etc, p is for pens, pencils and paper.... you get the picture. It is always a talking point, it sorts the clutter and everyone knows where to find all the stuff!

Today is the last day of term. I bid my boss goodbye after seven very happy years working for her and I'm more than a bit devastated. Up until our final gathering at half two, we shall all be having a tidy up. I wonder how far I'll get. At the last supper last night, we talked about how one of us at the table thinks drapes are the solution to all ills. "Cover it with a drape, no one will see", and how that by next parents evening, a new drape is needed. Before long it can become something that Tony Robinson and the Time Team can come and excavate. At our place of work, the other place is under the staffroom table which drives our finance lady  nearly to tears. She drew the line at many, many pots of mud from the layers of soil dug up during the building project and consigned these to the final resting place at school- the shed.

My own place is the spare room. Challenge me...ask if I have a bauble, pop up puppet theatre, Fisher Price record player, board game, boxing gloves?....
They are all here.

Feeling Fabulous

 I have a close friend's wedding to attend in just under two weeks time. She is a very pretty girl and has been preparing for this day for three years. I do not wish to feel like Shrek next to her so I am going all out to look and feel fabulous.
Firstly, I did cave and bought a dress from Coast. It is not the pretty coffee coloured one I posted on here, but is a body-con bright red Jessica Rabbit number. No missing me then.
Then I tried many pairs of shoes I already own with the dress and discovered none were acceptable and that new shoes must be sought. Fortunately Vivienne Westwood had designed the perfect pair, so they are now mine too. It troubles me slightly that the same design has been seen on Katy Perry's and Pamela Anderson's feet. I was more relaxed when I saw Leona Lewis wearing a pair as she does not have the same slightly promiscuous reputation.

It then occured to me that I will not want bad roots showing, so I booked myself a hair dyeing appointment. At the same time, I thought, maybe I should not have GHD straightened hair as is always my look, and as I am incapable of doing up my own hair, I've booked in to have this done too. I have selected a picture of Heidi Klum's updo and shall expect to leave the salon looking just like her.
Then, over the last few weeks, we have had some gloriously sunny weather and I have caught the sun on my face and shoulders but my legs are still frighteningly white. This will never do, so when my sister talked of the Fake Bake spray tan at her spa, and the family discount I would receive, it seemed foolish not to book in for one. Whilst looking at the spa brochure, it also occured to me that it would be rather nice to have a pedicure, even though you will not see my feet. But why have a pedicure without a manicure? So I have this booked too.
Like a fool, I then realised THERE IS NO BAG. What to do? It must be gold and heart shaped. I have now rectified this but have been slightly more sensible and got this from Ebay. 
I am now on a severely low food shopping budget in order that I look fabulous and do not get into a fight with the bank. Priorities.
I have upped my fitness regime and ran my best time this week. I went swimming this week and ran twice.
I hope none of my other friends plan to get married any time soon. I will need to sell a kidney.

Reining in the crazy

 I cannot hide the crazy from the people I am most comfortable with. Friends I have lived with over the years are aware of the crazy. My family definitely are.
From the rest of the world, I try to keep it hidden. Doesn't always work. I write this blog for a start.
I think the crazy helps me to be good at my job. I am certainly in touch with my 'inner child'.

My sister is often horrified at my lack of shame. She would, I think, prefer me not to dance on the pavement outside her home. There are times my mother would prefer me not to sing 'The Kitty Tea Song' to her elderly cats let them know it is 6pm and their meal is about to be served. They are 16 and 17 year old and know this song so well, they will come running even at their advanced years, at the first few notes of my song.

I sing to magpies. I always did the 'Hello Mr Magpie' but my brother said that I said it such a way as the magpie would know I was not genuinely enquiring about his wellbeing as I sounded so disinterested. Now I have a tune.
Recently I was out with someone who I don't know that well and accidentally started to sing one of my many songs. Then it's out there and you cannot undo the crazy. You just have to hope the person will accept it as part of you and not offer you a nice white jacket which does up at the back. There are times when I know I should rein in the crazy and pretend I am sane and that I come from a sane family (my brother in law sings a lovely song about his cat's washing habits). There are other times I forget to.

I add an s onto the end of any silly, affectionate name I have for my cat or dog. Little Mans, Stink Dogs etc. I have large wooden letters on display as you would for your child, but mine spell out the names of my cat and dog.

When I go shopping, I will run and skid with the trolley every time, without fail.
I cartwheel and am proud that I can do it so well at my age.
I paint my nails all colours of the rainbow and sometimes each one a different colour.
I have a vast collection of Hello Kitty kitsch which is the envy of the seven year old girls in my class.
I wore fairy wings to work on my 30th birthday.
I co-invented Fakemas - and Snowga but then was devastated that some git in Canada had already used this name!

I could go on but I think I have probably shared enough of the crazy.
In our daily lives we are many things to many people. I am daughter, sister, teacher, colleague, friend, professional. We are good at keeping people in boxes and knowing how far our boundaries stretch with different groups. Sometimes, we lapse and let someone from the wrong group see the wrong side of us. It is important to judge when you can let go and be a little nuts, and when you should really rein in the crazy.

Tradition

 I have to make a public speech next Thursday. Well, two actually.

One of them is about the Pupil of the Year. This will be fine. I did it last year and managed to make the audience cry with my touching words. Now I feel a bit like Monica in that episode of Friends. I've done it once, I must make them weep again.
The second speech is for my boss who retires this year. This is the real test. I have written it and will run it by some trusted people before I go public with it. However, reading and writing it have left me feeling awfully sad about some of the traditions we have had over the years. I hope very much they will continue.

It has been a tradition to do a Secret Santa at Christmas with a raffle to win the weird and wonderful things my boss has found on her shopping trips. One Valentine's Day she got the staff socks with hearts on.
Then there is the Maypole Dancing and Morris Dancing, made up songs, eccentric sports.... the list could go on forever but I won't retype my speech!
As a staff we are all hoping our twee and silly traditions won't become a thing of the past. They give our school its unique character.

So then I started thinking about other traditions. In our family we have many. Some I love, some not so much.
I love our annual trip to the sea for the dog's birthday, followed by shepherds pie made just for them. I love the Halloween trip, the crazed look in my mum's face as she collects together the wood/paper/anything that might vaguely burn for our bonfire party.
I don't love the stuffing jokes made at my expense at the Christmas dinner table;
"Camellia likes a good stuffing"
"I hope you've had planty of stuffing Camellia"
My brother in law TEXTED a joke last Christmas. I could do without this particular tradition.
Other silly ones include seasonal names for our family cat. We call him 'Cakes'. I can't even remember why - but he's a very plump and cuddly cat. At Christmas he is Christmas Cakes, then throughout the year; Birthday Cakes, Easter Cakes....you get the idea.

There is some indication that things will be very different at work in September under the new regime. We will be hoping very much that our traditions are upheld. There will be trouble if they are not!

25 Things About Me

 I have taken this post directly from my FB site. Currently I am totally bogged down with end of term stuff and the many functions and responsibilities I have before my boss retires in just over a week. It's an emotional time. I have taken on a lot of extra work, so for today- I'm recycling.

1) I have drunk a mug of chocolate Nesquik nearly every day for the last 14 years.
2) I once won a competition on the radio for the fact that I only buy cheese if the price ends in 5 or 0.
3) I clean my ears to a silly degree and have given myself ear infections.
4) I have some of the same friends I have had since I was 9.
5) I once convinced a lot of people at school that the yellow haired old man supply was a friend's Grandad. She didn't laugh as much as me.
6) A fat man once sat on my hand and broke 2 of my fingers at center parcs. It did get me out of all cross country sessions!
7) My only Valentine card was from an elderly dog this year.
8) I am very untidy.
9) I have a horrible singing voice but have to sing a lot at work.
10) I love my job.
11) I can learn 30 children's names in half an hour..try me!
12) When I sneeze, I always get goosebumps.
13) I have been a vegetarian since I was 13 except from the time at a Girl Guide event when I forgot and ate a sausage roll.
14) I swam by a barracuda on holiday in the Maldives...it was massive and a bit terrifying.
15) I hated P.E, Maths and ICT at school. Now I am responsible for them in my job and have grown to love them.
16) I am very close to my brother and sisters. A friend of ours said they would "do the set".
17) When I taught Italian twins, the only words I learnt were Polar Bear and starfish.
18) I nearly lost the end of my left middle finger when I was very little. You can still see the stitch marks.
19) Barry Manilow's Copacobana is one of my all time favourite songs.
20) My cat Frodo has his own Facebook page.
21) I cry at E.T, Gladiator and Awakenings...other films leave me cold.
22) Me and my sister laughed until our sides hurt once when we watched our Grandma picking baked beans off the grass....we told her my dad didn't like them on the grass because birds don't eat them.
23) I am scared of caterpillars and slugs make me gag.
24) I once tried to bleach my hair and it was white yellow at the top and orange at the bottom. I was then followed by a man in a posh car who tried to proposition me.
25) I always sing to magpies to wish away their bad luck.

Love

I'm reading 59 Seconds at the moment. I'm not reading it avidly because it's not that sort of a book, but I am paying interest to it. I read a chapter about love the other day and whether you can 'manufacture' it. Interesting reading. Apparently if you look deeply into the eyes of someone else, the sort of feelings you get when you do so with the person you love, can be recreated.
Worrying! Makes me think I should wear my sunglasses more frequently.

Today I was asked about a boyfriend of mine from the very distant past. I was asked what had ever possessed me. I replied that I'd been young and that it didn't matter anyway because I hadn't been in love with him anyway. No harm done.

In a conversation I had with someone last month, I said that I thought you (and I can only account for myself on this one) only know if you were in love afterwards. In reflection.
I can say this as a singleton, someone for whom love has not yet worked out, it's easy for me to reflect.
I think I've been in love twice. Genuinely in love.
The first time I was terribly happy and thought the world of my boyfriend. He was, and still is very clever, funny and always made time for me. When we split up it took me over two years to bounce back from it. Shockingly sad but true. It didn't help that I had to live with him.
The second time I fell in love, I married him and was not happy very much of the time but I let so much go; so many things I was unhappy or uncomfortable with, because I loved him. I cannot say what it was he felt for me. I don't think it was a healthy relationship for either of us.
Anything else I have been involved in has either never amounted to love or has been infatuation. It's easy to see after the event, but at the time, you can be convinced otherwise.

I'm always puzzled by people who seem to jump from one relationship to the next. Particularly those who get involved seriously very quickly. This is alien to me. I cannot get my head around it because it's the opposite of what I do. The person who asked me about this long time ago boyfriend, is unhappy being alone. He has been alone since the beginning of the year and hates it.
I am quite sure he did not want to hear my 'you need to be happy alone first'. But it is true. It took me a long time to reach this point, but I am there. It is a nice place to be.

I also had the 'soulmates' conversation a while back too. I think I know one couple who I truly believe are soulmates. I don't think they could function without the other one. They have been together for over 35 years and are still crazy for each other. Impressive. I'm not sure I believe in soulmates for everyone. If you've found yours, then I am delighted for you and well done. Love is a minefield and I don't have a good track record in this particular minefield. I wear heavy boots and tread in the wrong places.

I leave you with this quote which is apparently taken from Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

Nearly five years have passed and in that time I've spoken to my elderly neighbours on 3 occasions. The first time they'd soaked my kitten in water while he was in MY garden. When I confronted them, they denied it, despite the water all over my path and that the old man was holding a hose.
The conversation ended with me saying 'Oh well, whatever!' and him at 40 years my senior, repeating it. Well done, bravo!
Then I think about three years passed and we never spoke. This winter, the guy sprayed my window with anti freeze on a particularly icy day and I thought - ah, hooray, I have a reasonable neighbour again.
Then this evening, I pulled up, and his miserable old bag of a wife said;
"Are you the lady whose garden backs on to ours?"
"yes"
"Can you do something about your brambles?, I keep catching myself"
"Yes, when I have time I will." and I smiled.
She then repeats her same gripe 3 times and I point out she has done so and that I will do it when I have time. She then says she has only just mentioned it and I say, yes, three times in that last sentence.
I said I worked full time and had higher priorities than these brambles and she then started slating my profession and said I was a typical teacher and that she'd known a wrong 'un once.
I said I was doing my best with my busy worklife and she said she did her best as an 'old lady of 76 with a husband who had cancer'. This irritates me because it's hardly the point and I don't appreciate this sort of emotional blackmail over a few thorns. I have done them, but I don't appreciate bullied into it by that sort of thing. That is off.
When I did go out this evening, I cannot work out how on earth she is catching herself and can only conclude she is a damned retard or, a petty minded, pathetic old cow with nothing better to do than moan at me. This surprises me when her husband is so ill. I'm always amazed at people's priorities in these times. You'd think she'd want her neighbours' help, friendship and support. Not to ostricize them. Had she just asked once, politely without slating my career and me generally, I wouldn't be writing this now. But I am.
In the meantime, I will teach children to read and write, learn sign language and become a volunteer.
She can tend to her bloody roses.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

 I've not written anything for a while because the weather has been too nice. Not weather conducive to wanting to rant and blog. Neither for that matter writing reports, but I HAVE to do those.
I bought myself some scary white trousers this week. I say scary because I  own a filth magnet of a dog and work with young children. In my infinite wisdom, I intend to wear them tomorrow (eek) but I'm going to do it, regardless of the danger because they are about as summery as clothing gets. Now I just have to wait the 4 weeks for my Fake Bake and I shall look the part properly.
I have sat in my garden reading for much of the day after a weekend of strawberry picking and pub with friends, dog walks and Italian markets. The Italian market is usually a bit of a free for all, but as England were being thrashed by Germany 4-1, it was quiet and relaxed.
It's been good. I have even inflated the paddling pool I bought for my dog 2 years ago and which he has forever shunned. I think if I threw in some mud, algae and left it there for a few weeks, he'd find it an altogether more appealing prospect. But the clean, cool water, he shuns.
Tomorrow is meant to be nice again so perhaps by then it won't be hideously cold to dip my feet in.
It's also been my birthday this week and after last years very exciting surprise trip to see Derren Brown, I didn't expect it to be topped. But it was. I had a great day. I really feel like life is going in the right direction.
I also don't mind too much being told how well I look. I am well, better than ever.
The trouble is with this sort of weather, it leaves me feeling so very content, that I crave more of it and start to wish I lived this way all year round. I do so very much want to be in a sunny climate. The winter makes me miserable and the sun just makes me feel that every second must be cherished as all too soon, it is gone and I will be back in my winter coat. My sister is making plans to move to sunnier climes again and my other sister has just returned from 2 weeks in Egypt. As yet, I have no holiday booked. Perhaps I'll be spending all my summer with my feet in a paddling pool, rather than an infinity pool drinking mojitos!!
I am also sending in two applications this week. One to become an AST. At last an opportunity has arisen and I have it well and truly in my sights, and second, to become a volunteer.
Though I rant and bemoan little things, I have it pretty good and it's time to give a bit back.
Sunshine lollipops and rainbows everything...

Eating Humble Pie

Admitting you're wrong is not an easy thing to do. Saying sorry when you've made an error is not easy either. I have had to do both and say it to someone I have NO time/respect or anything else for. Ugh. I do not like the taste of Humble Pie, my body rejects it.
It is entirely my own fault and I broke a rule of not reacting before thinking it out properly first. Responding in annoyance to something is not the right way to deal with it and I should have learnt that I get myself in trouble this way.
I have had to apologise to my local MP for saying he quoted me inaccurately. Further looking into things has revealed that the template letter I sent him last month, DOES in fact say what he said it does. Might have been more useful for me to have discovered this before I told him I objected to being misquoted.
I was enormously cross with myself because I look exactly like the arse he wants me to.

Thus I have APOLOGISED.
Oh and it hurt.
I have had to say that I have realised my mistake and that I hope he will accept my apologies. This was the only way my mother and I could see I could deal with this and look less of an arse. This way, I am the BIGGER person.

I do not like it. It feels wrong to apologise to the pompous ass but it is the right thing to do.
Lesson learned, I will be more careful next time.

Being ible

My ideas about what I want in life have changed a lot in the last couple of years. I talk a lot in this blog about what it is I want and don't want. What is on my list is 'ible' or possibly 'able'.
My sister found herself these qualities in a man a good 13 years ago. He is;

• sensible
• responsible
• reliable
• dependable
• reasonable 

 He is a good egg. 

At the weekend, I went to see my old university friends. I had a great time. They are a great bunch of people and 11 years after we graduated, I still think I was very lucky to have befriended those people.
One of the group is my boyfriend from the first year and some of the second. I told him I was writing this blog. We're good friends still which is great and I wanted his opinion because he's clever at English! He asked me if I'd written bad things about him on my blog. I laughed.
Not at all. I have great respect for him- always will, and not just because he might read this!

We may not have been destined for a lifelong love but one of the things I really appreciated about him was his dependability. In the days before mobile phones were in everyone's posession, we had..............the land line. In the Summer months, because we lived on opposite sides of the country, we'd ring each other every other day.
I knew that when he said he'd ring, he would. Never let me down. I felt very secure. We wrote to each other too. How archaic that seems now, but it was nice. I have a note he left me once- it reads;
Milk is in the fridge, the £5 I owe you is in Hobgoblin's till. It makes me laugh, - I did get the money and the milk!

At work this week I have been irritated to the point of distraction by my SMARTboard which has decided to 'crap-out'. Many phone calls to the manufacturer and the company who service it have led to our secretary using the bad 'f' word at work today.
YES we have checked it's plugged in,
YES, we have tried orienting the board
YES, all the leads are in the right sockets etc etc.

Sadly I have become too dependent on this board and so for this week, I've been a little lost. I have no chalk, I cannot access the content of my memory stick for phonics....I have to try and recall life before the SMARTboard.
The SMARTboard is not ible or able.

Apparently neither is the man who installed it. I was asked to find a button in the bottom right hand corner. I was on the phone while my class changed for PE, on my hands and knees trying to find the button he described;
"No, I cannot get behind it, it's 2mm away from the heater."
"Oh dear, it's meant to be far from heat sources!" the man on the other end of the phone (in 6th phone conversation of the day) immediately agrees to send round an engineer.

Miss Independent

 I like to think of myself as independent. I supported myself through university which I began at 19, and have done so ever since. I take care of all the financial matters and did so throughout my marriage.
I very much enjoy living on my own which I've done for over a year and a half. I was thinking today about how I'd manage if I did not have to be so independent. I wonder if I'd like it?

There are some things of course which I cannot do at all. I am ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS at anything DIY. When my washing line came down last Summer and the hook screwed into the wall was completely useless, I attempted to fix it myself. This was a mistake. My first port of call was Homebase where I stood for a remarkable number of minutes browsing the quite astonishing selection of No More Nails products. Eventually I narrowed it down to two products, both of which said they were for outdoor use. On getting these things home, my first error became immediately obvious. I had puchased a bottle of the No More Nails, but no dispensing trigger. This left me with two options, return to Homebase to buy one, or settle on using the product I had now decided was slightly less suited to the job. I opted for the latter.

Several hours later when I had filled the hole with this putty, I read the back of the tube more carefully and discovered that the putty was designed not to set hard. The hook moved about quite freely and the putty showed absolutely no sign whatsoever of hardening. Remarkably, the washing line is still up and can hold a full line of my clothes. I do not wish to know how it achieves this apparently impossible feat.

Whilst we are on the subject of my poor decision making skills, I will tell you about the time, also last Summer, when I had been refused alcohol at one supermarket and had to get my mum to buy it for me in another...yes I'm in my 30's.
I had decided to drink Vodka Collins in the garden and enjoy the sun.
I did enjoy the Vodka Collins but soon attracted the attention of several wasps. This spoilt the ambiance and so I thought about diverting their attention. My solution was to put a jar of honey on the fence several feet away. The short term effect was fine.
However, the next morning when I had failed to bring it indoors, I opened the curtains to see that my garden, and entrance to my garage/car etc had become Wasp Central. I was horrified, especially as the fence separates my garden from my neighbour with a five year old child. I used a stealth like approach with a lid and chose my moment carefully to put it on the jar.
Unfortunately this drove the wasps quite mad and created an even bigger problem so I was forced to use a very long stick to dislodge the lid from a reasonable distance and wait the long hours it took for the wasps to finish the honey. I won't try this technique for wasp distraction again and I do not recommend it to you.

Other DIY incidents have resulted, fortunately not in my trying to deal with them, but ringing my mum in tears and then running round to my neighbour for help. Not terribly independent.

I have a bit of a tendency to 'big-up' my independence.
A few glasses of Pimms and some sparkling wine leave me a bit self righteous when it comes to my recent lifestyle changes. On the hen weekend, I proudly talked about my phone call from Channel 4, my signing up to be a volunteer, enrolling for BSL etc. I also mentioned my job interview in York, and that I'd spent two nights there in order to see the sights as it's such a long way to go. On my first night, I arrived in time for bed, the second evening I had breezed the interview and was left with not a lot to do. I told the girls that I'd impulsively joined a ghost tour, which was true but was more about my not wanting to be alone in York in my hotel room, and less about independence. They were impressed nontheless, so I added the weekend Buddhist retreat I did last year too. I did that alone. They think I am very brave now so I talked a lot of rubbish about taking opportunities and grabbing life.

I probably talk far too much, I am not shy in coming forward with my opinions and I do like my freedom and independence. I am never the easy option.

Posting this again because it's important.

http://e-activist.com/ea-campaign/clientcampaign.do?ea.client.id=122&ea.campaign.id=6614

Lobby your MP re the Hunting Act. Hunting is outdated, cruel and totally unwanted by the majority of people.

Life-changing mail boxes

 I posted a letter this evening to the local deaf centre. I have enrolled for BSL1 which starts in September. I am really excited about this because it's been one of my goals for a long time - it's number 6 on the 101 Goals list, and I am sure it will be a good move career wise.
As I put it in the box, I thought about all the other letters I've posted in there and from my email box that have changed aspects of my life. The very simple task of pressing 'send' or putting that envelope into that red box has enormous power. At this point, you will either be thinking I am insane and wonder why must I ponder everything so deeply, or you will be with me.
Into my village post box, I have sent letters to my solicitor regarding my dog, my divorce etc, letters to court, letters to television production companies and many more that have had big impact on my life. My email is the same. I have sent overseas job applications, told my local MP exactly how I feel about hunting, told Nick Clegg exactly how I feel about his part in it, signed up for 3 mile races, got in touch with people after many years of silence, and most recently, volunteered myself.
Last week I registered with a volunteering service. In a moment of interference in a friend's life, I suggested he curb his drinking and moaning he is bored all the time by volunteering. Instead, he went to the pub and continues to moan that he is bored and I have signed up. Thus far, I've had my welcome letter and the woman I'm meant to liase with keeps ringing me at funny times and we have missed each other 5 times. Anyway, it'll work out and I'm excited about another new chapter in my life.
I did another spot of interfering tonight with a different friend who I have some ideas for. I think it's time for a new chapter in her life too. I am very keen for her to become as successful as she's trying to become and without being a giant pain in the arse, I'm interfering. I hope my posts to her this evening will change her life for the better.
My sister is doing some life changing posting this week too. Yesterday she contemplated a new country of choice to live in, this morning she applied for a job by email, by the early afternoon, they called her. She has been using my 101 goals idea but the Universe is working quicker for her than me! 

At the weekend my best friend and I tried to describe each other in 3 words. She said mine were;
Loyal
Outspoken
Goal Orientated
My posting online and in the red box this week have been all about those things.

Marking the Occasion

 I have just been away on a hen weekend. I had a good time, despite thinking I would not. It was much more relaxed than I anticipated and I met up with another friend there too. We were of course marking the end of the single life of one of our friends as she prepares to get married. There were some loud moments and there are now some embarrassing photos. My own hen do was a much quiter affair. I am not into dares/dancing on tables and being handcuffed to all and sundry. Not that the weekend I just went on was too raucous, just louder than my own. It didn't help that we started on the champagne and Pimms at around half ten am on the way down. At half one the next morning, most of us had crashed and burned and only two of us were still standing. Remarkably, one was me.
We spent our second day recovering with a greasy breakfast and some sea breeze, ice creams, girly chat etc.
During our Saturday night out meal, I realised looking round the table of 10 girls, I am the only singleton. I didn't know how I felt about this. The others are in in long term relationships. Some have children, some are married, some about to be. I am none of the above.
While we were on the beach, the hen was talking about adding to her tattoo collection. I wondered about getting one myself. Perhaps to mark the beginning of new chapters in my life and endings of old. I don't know what I would have or where I would have it, but it's a thought. Two of my siblings have tattoos. I have always said I would not get one, now I find myself reconsidering this statement. I am fickle. However, I am certainly not going for a too visible one or a tramp stamp.There will be no Chinese symbols for me or dolphins on my shoulder. I have considered getting MMX to mark the year, but if the rest of it turns out to be rubbish, I'll regret that. Maybe I'll get Hello Kitty on my hip? That will look sophisticated when I'm 70. 
My friend is decorating this week. Her house is now ex husband free and she's making it her own. I think this is good. These actions are good for the soul and good for the universe. Tells it you're ready to shut old doors. I did it too and it made a huge difference to the house and my feelings about it. Without wishing to sound like an insane hippy, the house has better energy.
I also went to see SATC 2 last night. Our girly group mark these occasions with dinner and cocktails. How original, but what fun. It had it's good bits- namely the bits with Aidan who was the man Carrie should have been with...mmmmmm Aidan. But it was not that great. What it did make me think about though was that I'm ok at the moment. I don't want to be watching TV on the sofa every night. I have so much freedom at the moment and I love it. I'll think about how I mark this happy point in my life.

Some recent gems

Today at work we were using the Argos catalogue for something fun as a maths lesson alternative. In the index it said St Christophers. I explained to one of my class what it was.
He seemed to understand and then began to tell me about St George.
"St George didn't kill a dragon, he killed someone dressed up as a dragon."
"Did he?"
"Yes."
"Well there you go."

I am grateful for the wisdom of my class.

I was asked the other day at register time; "What is that bone on you?"
I replied that it was my collar bone-
Small children are fairly useless at hiding when they are mildly horrified by something. I don't carry weight in that area of my body.

Instinct is when you just KNOW

Yesterday I listened to 4 of my class read the same book, one after the other practically. Fortunately it was not too dull. It was about tigers. A word which popped up was 'instinct' and because they're clever and have a good teacher, they used the glossary to look it up.
We talked about the fact it's when you just KNOW something, you're not told.
I should trust mine more.
My neighbour tried to panic monger the other day by telling me he thought my cat's collar was too tight. I said- didn't you take it off him then? I pointed out the fact that he sees my cat far more than I do and that I had not seen him in 2 weeks. His partner then said- 'I'm sure it's alright, he seems to be able to eat ok'
OH MY GOD!
So I am left standing there, trying not to hyperventilate with thoughts of my small strangulated cat wandering the village, slowly starving. I should have trusted my instincts. He came in this morning at 3am, miaowed and I got up, checked his collar and fed him. The collar is perfect. It has not moved. I have taken it off anyway. It was to discourage people putting their own on him, which happened once. I trust that the little ginger man will come home every so often so I'll check he's collar free when he does.

My instinct told me a few weeks ago, the school inspector was an arse. Before he came, we had our pre visit calls. Amongst many other demands, he asked for "a platter of mixed sandwiches". I was quite outspoken (not like me) about the fact that he seemed to think he was Elton John giving us his rider. I was told that he was a nice man and not to pre judge.
Some weeks later, I was right. He is an arse.

First impressions are often correct. Very often correct.
I've made this mistake before, decided I don't like someone on first impressions, then been convinced to give them the benefit of the doubt. In one case, this was a MASSIVE error.
When you go to someone's home for the first time and they
a) don't offer you a drink/seat etc and then b) offer everyone except you a doughnut, you are not mistaken in the fact that this person is a malicious cow.
When some years later they begin bombarding you with imtimidatory text messages telling you that you only give people the time of day if they have a degree and that you look down your nose at all and sundry, and that they intended to give your mother a hard time, but had been prevented, you can sit back, satisfied that your first impressions were correct.

What I often do, apparently to my detriment, is be quite harsh on people in the early stages of meeting.
I never liked a friend of my ex. Every time I saw him he would make some comment about how it was good to see me washing up/cooking/cleaning as that's what I should be doing as the little woman. I let this go a while, asked the ex to have a word, which he didn't. This friend came to the house where I live now. He came only once. It went a little like this;
Idiot- Ah there you are, washing up, good to see,
Me - Do you know, that is all you ever say to me?
This is MY house, I work full time and I pay ALL the bills.
I'm a bit sick of you speaking to me like that and actually I won't have it in my own home anymore.
He never came back - shame.I missed the misogynistic gems.

Today I am going to meet the woman who may be my boss in September. I will go on my first impressions and will hope that the interview panel does the same. For us staff, we are to enjoy a breakfast meeting this morning to get to know her. We'll see.